5 word/phrases I want to Use MORE

Words/phrases I want to use more often.

1) Nimrod

Ex. If you don’t know how to walk properly on the sidewalk you are a nimrod.

(or) Quit being such a f-ing nimrod. (this is how I prefer to use it)

2) Dough Butt

Oh. Well. I’m in the middle of writing a song (don’t even think about theifing it, I got a copyright what what) it goes:

Oh she got a dough butt

Makes me want to knead it

Roll it

Slap it

Eat it

Oh that dough butt

I just want to bite it

Bake it

Shake it

Shape it

Make it mine…. Yum.

3) Old glute stretch

Ex. Wow, that hike we took was an old glute stretch.

(Or) Oh my goddess quit acting like an old glute stretch.

4) Therefore

Ex. We ate beans therefore we got gas.

(or) I only have two television stations therefore I enjoy watching all ION and channel 4 shows!

5) Poop sweat

Ex. Wow, it smells like poop sweat in here.

(Or) I’m sorry sir but it seems as if you have an issue with poop sweat and you’ll need medical treatment to cure that.

(or) OMG who's ass is leaking poop sweat? It’s worse than a scared skunk in here.

Chicago To Do Before I Move: Update

April
Chicago Early Music Festival (today, maybe)

May
Road trip or metra to the Botanical Gardens AND stop at the
Bahai Temple in Evanston/Willmette
Celtic Festival May 8-9
International Mr. Leather or Touche May 28-31
Belmont/Sheffield Music Festival May 29-30
Osaka Japanese Gardens (at Wooded Island in Jackson Park)
See Jake Gyllenhaal in Prince of Persia @ Imax, comes out May 28st so anytime around then

June
Graduation + Road trip back to KS/CO for Will/Emilys wedding/apartment-search from June 12-24 ish…???
Pride June 25-27 (at least the parade)
First week of June is open!

July
Road trip to Milwaukee (July 4th weekend w/ EWH and Monica?)
Pitchfork
Going Away Party


Any time

Find someone with a boat and go out on the lake

Crepe place in Andersonville

Moody's (a bar with a giant outdoor patio close-ish to my apartment)
BEACH
Go to the Museum of Science and Industry
Have a martini at the Hancock
Go one last time to the Art Institute
Chicago Supernatural Cruise
Second City

Shake Weight or Wank Weight?

Thank you television for revealing the blatantly obvious reasons as to why men have stronger arms than women...

Who invented this?

I mean really. . .

And they let the video air without even thinking for one second that this looks like women giving hand jobs?

Hello.

It only takes 6 minutes.

Fastest? Easiest? Most Effective?

It's a new technology called dynamic interia? Please. It's called WANKING OFF, and that is why women have flabbier arms... yet stronger hands, muhahaha!


WATCH IT HERE for a good old laugh...

Watch the parody here for a bigger laugh...

(I guess I am not the only perv watching tv)

My Morning Peace...

Trying to do yoga in Chicago is like drinking a pot of coffee and then trying to take a nap.

Thank you tick tocking clock for somehow increasing in volume the longer I stayed in downward dog.

Thank you Ryan for walking in and out of the room right when I was contorting into prayer twists.

Thank you car alarms and honking horns.

Thank you barking dogs and yelling children.

Thank you all I am right back where I began except now I have jello-legs and an hour and a half less time in my day.

Habitating with my Habits.

I have never had a manicure. But I have the most obsessive compulsive habit of picking at my nails. It mostly occurs when I have to sit in one place longer than I can handle such as in a classroom or during a movie. It’s a never ending habit because fingers are always grabbing things and those things often get under one’s nails. Mine break a lot too, but only when I go somewhere and don’t have clippers or a file or anything to fix them. So I have to deal with this jagged sword of a nail all day long; to me it’s as annoying as a canker-sore on the tongue, something that keeps irritating me and something I keep irritating as I try to make it magically go away by bothering it too much. I am actually afraid to get a manicure now because I think if I do I’ll have to leave my nails alone to keep them looking good and I don’t know if I am capable of doing that. When I was younger I went through a phase where I felt it necessary to paint my nails every other day. I had like 40 different shades of polish. Now, I rarely wear it and when I do I feel like my fingers are mad at me for suffocating them with paint. So I pick at the polish until they can breathe again. Perhaps my nails are my ten little anxiety outlets, perhaps I need a new habit, but really, what other compulsivity is as readily available, cheap and easy to do? Definitely not a manicure. I know some people who knit, and though it would keep my hands busy I am way to frugal to start up a hobby just to wane my inability to sit still. Such is life I suppose, we all have our things, our habits, annoying or not. We must learn to live with ourselves and those around us who may be clipper happy or toe-popping mad. Our bodies are weird and what our minds make them do is so much weirder...

Posting at neighborhood coffee shop...

For the past 5 days our internet has disappeared. This is so depressing. I have to admit I am addicted. I thought I was mostly addicted to facebook and my email, but really, I have discovered I am more addicted to information. I can’t handle not being able to look something up right when I am thinking about it. Even things I normally wouldn’t do if the internet was working, like entering stupid contests they suggest on the tv, I want to do and I complain about not being able to do because somehow our internet which has worked perfectly fine for at least the last four months has suddenly stopped connecting all together. And, I realize that I don’t pay for it so I can’t count on it, but I really do count on it. Especially since I’m not working and I get my homework done quickly and then I have nothing really important to do but surf the web, stream tv, read articles, listen to music etc. that is all on one little device. How unfortunate it’s been trying to come up with other things to do. How pathetic I am that I rely on something so heavily. But, I want it back. I don’t want to have to go spend $5 on coffee just to steal their internet for an hour. I generally don’t use the internet that way either, I usually jump on and off it all day long. Obviously the world is telling me to focus on other things, to see life in new perspectives, to get out of the apartment and discover reality… but it may take more than 5 days of internet free living for that concept to sink in.

Holiday Ills, Chills and Pills

Every time I go back home I get sick. I do not know why. I guess I get worked up thinking about having to wake up at 4 a.m. and going to the airport leaving with no delays or cancelations. Then I have to hope that I won’t be a grouch all day because I got up at 4 a.m. even though I will be and everyone knows it. This year I can feel it coming, my heart is fluttering a bit more, I can’t finish sentences in a decent amount of time (that took me two minutes to complete, if that tells you anything). How can I be so anxious to go back to where I am most comfortable? It’s so weird. It could be that I’m thinking about not getting sick so much that I end up making myself sick. Perhaps it’s basic biology: because I don’t often leave my apartment I just get over exposed to humans and their nasty germs. I don’t know, but I think I’m starting to give my mother a complex.

I’ve been yogafying and deep breathing, but the truth of the matter is that I am often sick on Christmas. It must be a bad reaction to capitalism. Many pictures throughout the years show me puke-faced and pale and this was before I even began drinking heavily. At least these days I have more of an excuse. I can blame my mother for insisting we all have Long Island Iced Teas. Or blame myself for thinking I need to restock an entire three-month’s absentness from Boulevard in one night. But that’s really not the type of sick I’m talking about. When I come home, I usually end up with strep throat or a sinus infection or something that makes me go to the doctor, which is always fun on a vacation.

Maybe in some deep-seated psycho-babble b.s. I get sick only when I go home because I know I’ll be around people who can take care of me. Even if those people would rather get to spend time with me when I’m not hacking or snotting all over things or drugged out on antibiotics, they still enjoy (for the most part) being around me no matter if I’m sick or just grouchy from another early-morning airport excursion. I think because when I snap out of the grouch or the sick I’m actually a pretty decent person to hang out with…but maybe everyone thinks that about themselves.

So brain and body, here’s an open request: please knock it off this year and for once let’s have a healthy holiday, okay? Thanks.

TV Today

Animal Print is not a trend. People have been wearing animal prints at least since the Paleolithic Age when they clubbed Furry Mammoths and Saber Tooth Tigers. So. It can not be a NEW trend for 2010. I don’t think it has ever even gone away.

Just like I predicted, we are turning in on ourselves and we will all soon implode. Not only are we as a society preparing for holidays way in advance (specifically Christmas) but now the media seems so paranoid that it won’t get the “story first” we already are being introduced to DIET and EXERCISE books and we haven’t even gotten to gorge our gluttoness selves to the max yet.


Snoop Dogg on Martha Stewart.

Snoop: we’re trying to bake some brownies but we’re missing the most important part of the brownies.

Martha: That wasn’t my idea. That wasn’t my idea. That wasn’t my idea.

The end of the world is near.

Fall: (in) love with the Candy Pumpkin.

There seems to be a major split amongst people when it comes to candy corn. Perhaps it’s a simple binary of love or hate. But honestly, I don’t think anyone would really even contemplate it if it weren’t for that comedian a few years ago who possessed a boiling hatred for the colorful vegetable-shaped sugar pieces. I can understand his point of view, in fact sometimes I don’t really like candy corn. But, I cannot begin to deny my love for the candy pumpkin.

WTF. You think. How could you not really like candy corn but have a deep lusting desire for candy pumpkins? And I tell you, it’s all about size.

Candy corns are tiny and sometimes a little too hard. But those orange detailed pumpkins with the little green stems have an extra girth to them that give them a softness and melt-in-your mouth flavor that those little corns can’t offer. They honestly do not taste the same. The texture and the flavor differ just enough to make a major difference. Would I not drunkly eat candy corn at a party? I’m not saying that. But I wouldn’t purposely buy them like I would a whole bag of pumpkins like I did earlier today, only later to be made fun of by my partner. But I didn’t care, I got those delectable goodies all to myself.

Other great Fall Treats:
Carmel Corn
Carmel Apples
Anything with Carmel
Apple Strudel
Apple Cider

Anything with Apples

Popcorn Balls (and there are many flavor options)

Pumpkin Beer

Boo Bites (rice crispies with peanut butter and chocolate shaped in a ball)

Sugar Cookies shaped like ghosts and witches and such

Dirt Dessert

Beauty is in the Eye...

I heard somewhere that changing your hair style is an indication of an alteration in thinking, perhaps that’s why I’ve changed it so much in my life… but it is interesting to think of people who can pull off many different looks and people who really look good in just one particular hair style. It doesn’t necessarily signify that that person isn’t thinking any differently than the day before just that their hair is incapable of accentuating their features in any other flattering manner.

Hair is generally more important to people than I would like to give it credit for. Tyra even went weave-less today to prove that natural hair is beautiful—though I have to say just because, you Tyra are beautiful, doesn’t mean the hair you’ve been hiding from people for over a decade is…though kudos for “taking risks”.

Which brings up the vital philosophical argument of what is beauty? We then have to get into a debate about binaries and about cultural and socioeconomic influences. ergh. So, in a sense, my ideas of beauty are both socially implanted in my brain as well as individuated through experiences and ideas not similar to any one else—the advantage of a singular North American life. And is this wrong—no because it’s where I stand and what I know. It doesn’t make my view have any more or less significance than any of other person besides the fact that I have the ability to share it with multiple people through advancements in technology.

Here are some things that I find beautiful:

Rambunctiousness
D.I.Y artistic expression (of most kinds)
martinis
my friends because why would I hang out with ugly people?
my family because why would ugly people be related to me?
trees in all seasons, but especially when they’re falling
clouds when they’re rolling
puppy dogs and rainbows and unicorns (for Amanda)
people who stay gray
egalitarianism
polyamory (I don’t know if I could do it, but I’d admire those who can)
boobs
water in all its different forms
peace
and quiet
loud and intelligent music
Sleater-Kinney
Yeah Yeah Yeahs
Bikini Kill
The Gossip
The Ettes
Patti Smith

Feminists…. well, most of them, like Gloria Anzaldua, bell hooks, Audre Lorde, Donna Harroway etc.

Baked potatoes
Romaine lettuce
Carrots
Cyborgs
Long walks
short walks
chocolate and

Long lists…

What do you find beautiful? List away if you please…

Stream of Hunger.... I mean Conscious

I don’t really have any main ideas today so instead I’m going to write about several random thoughts I’ve had lately.

While going for a run today I could barely keep myself in forward motion because I was distracted by the gorgeousness of the trees. They seem to be exuding their last breath of green, each leaf glimmers and contrasts the bright blueness of the sky so well that for a moment I thought I might be high, but then I realized that no, I was just alive soaking in one of the last weekends of summer.

Speaking of Marijuana. It seems to me that there is a distinctly similar smell between weed and vagina. And so if you’re a woman just find a pothead of sorts and get the pothead hooked on you instead of the other drug.

Regarding this being one of the last weekends of summer and it being a 3-day weekend because of Labor Day I netflixed 9 to 5 staring Jane Fonda, Dolly Parton and Lily Tomlin. What a great Labor Day weekend movie. I had never seen it before and I am happy I spent time witnessing the story; if only more movies had strong independent female main characters in them.

Last night that weird dude with the knife appeared in my dreams again. This time it didn’t wake me up and I didn’t keep seeing him throughout the night, but it did piss me off and I decided that the next time he enters my dreams I’m going to dream-kill him.

Dream-Kill could be a good name for a band, except it doesn’t promote much positivity so it would have to be a heavy metal band or just some emo-bands hit song.

I wouldn’t mind having a hit song or even a hit band.

I’ve been having too much déjà vu lately. Must be the weather. I’m not complaining about the weather, but this déjà vu stuff is starting to creep my out.

We don’t have cable which at first saved me from wasting time watching the food network, but then I found all these food shows on wttw and so not having cable has done very little in reducing my lack of time with the tele. I don’t know why I do this to myself either. I’m trying to limit my food intake and then I torture myself by watching all this delicious food getting made and then I have to go eat something. Which is what I’m going to have to go do now. Yum. Food.

Pervertable Tongues and my Virginity

Tomorrow night the band I am in, Pervertable Tongues, will perform its first show.

We’re losing our virginity and we’re giving it away to anyone who comes to Reggies Music Joint to check us out.

I’m also losing my Chicago performance virginity. Since I moved from Kansas I haven’t been on stage for 2 years. It’s been weird. Like when I go to other people’s shows and I’m stuck getting stepped on by the crowd, I think, we’ll if I were up there, I wouldn’t be getting squashed down here and it makes me want it more.

I still don’t know what to wear. I don’t know the type of image I should be portraying. And I should probably either make it a priority or not care about it all.

Being a rock-star isn’t easy. And I am aware our music collaborates more than rock and I am far from being a star, but I have to have the confident rock-star mentality if I am going to make it anywhere in this capitalist city.

People keep asking me if I’m nervous. So many people have asked me if I am nervous that now I’m fucking nervous. I may even poop my pants because of this. And I know I should just go out there and have a good time, have fun with it, make my feminist post-modern rants and dance around on stage, but then I start over-analyzing. Which is why I’m sure most graduate students don’t perform much. I will have to stop thinking and just be with the music, the vibe, the energy of the room.

Which I hope is room-full and everyone is drunk. Not just so they like the music better, but so we make more money because when it comes to capitalism that’s what we need as musicians to keep playing. Money. And I want to keep playing. And playing. Until I have played in every state (which I can sing in alphabetic order if need be) and many countries. So I can not only see the world and meet amazing people, but so I can give something magical and thought-provoking back to the world and the amazing people that exist here. A beautiful artistic cycle.

Anyhoo. That’s what’s going down tomorrow.

Pervertable Tongues.

Live for the First Time.

Cherry Popping in Chicago.

Reggies Music Joint

2105 S. State Street

9 p.m.

Remember it’s FREE

Also with Lasco Stroud

and Les Juges

Take a listen at www.mypsace.com/pervertabletongues

Buy Album: http://Kunaki.com/Sales.asp?PID=PX00ZY9SBP

Matter in the big K-A-N

What’s the matter with Kansas?

A book I didn’t read. But a question I can answer.

Kansas is the heart of the United States.

It provides nourishment. Wheat. Corn. Soy beans.

It possesses open spaces with the perfect opportunity to open one’s mind.

Yet. Americans treat their heart poorly.

Statistics that show heart disease as the leading cause of death. (Center of Disease Control and Prevention http://www.cdc.gov/heartDisease/statistics.htm)

Why do people treat Kansas like a state that is

worthless

unpumping

lifeless?

What a stab in the aorta.

How can anyone truly deny the beauty of a rolling countryside; bright green grass contrasting the big overly blue sky… single hay bails scattered about adding a glimmer of gold to the landscape. Cows, fur covered brown and black and white chomping on the earth, staring at humans funny when one walks by the other. Fences handmade and strong designed to protect who is inside more than who is out. Wildflowers and berries and whitetail deer and snapping turtles and copperheads and wandering stray cats that eat people’s scraps and gravel roads and lakes and ponds and fossils and humming birds and chirping birds and blue red and yellow birds. Broccoli trees and bright green leaves. Among other things.

And yet people claim there is nothing to see. Nothing to do in the entire sunflower state.

What’s the matter with Kansas?

The same thing that is wrong with most U.S. citizens. They don’t take care of themselves. Artery filled, over televised, brain washed, and bored.

Perhaps if people stepped out of their houses and took a look at what the world had to offer. Sat outside and absorbed some sun some blue blue sky or inhaled the stars late at night they’d see there is no matter with Kansas as much as there is matter in Kansas.

Vivid

Melodic

Serene

If it stops beating how could you go on?

A Run without an I-pod

I went to mail a few things today and decided to go on a walk, as I was walking I decided that I wanted to run. I don’t know why. I mean usually when I go for a run I plan it all out, but today it was sporadic and spontaneous and unfortunately I didn’t have my i-pod. “Gasp! You reply. How did you survive?” I managed, I tell you, but it wasn’t pretty.

Not for the fact that music gives me a beat and helps me keep rhythm, or for the fact that it makes me forget that I could be breathing freakishly loud or that my muscles are bitching at me for making them work. No, it wasn’t because of those things even though the i-pod does help with those issues. What the i-pod is best at and what I use it for is a blockade.

When I have my i-pod on I don’t have to listen to the hootananey, the catcalls, the constant judgment of my woman-ness. Unlike my friend Kelsi who enjoys the encouragement from strange creepy men; I am disturbed that they aren’t minding their own business. I run for many reasons and though I would like to say that I only do it to be healthy I can’t because it’s not true. I run to be healthy but I also run to gasp! look good. I look good when I feel good and I feel good after I run so the cycle works for me. The problem is, I’m not trying to look good when I’m running; I’m trying to run.

I was perfectly complimented the other day when walking down the street some asshole yelled “nice rack” out of his car window. I replied with a simple “thank you”. I don’t know why I was so calm and so un-offended, besides the fact that my rack did look nice then and perhaps I am aware that one day it may not. But when I am running, especially without an i-pod to keep my rhythm or prevent me from hearing myself breathe then it becomes problematic to have the dogs bark unsweet advances towards my ears.

Especially homeless old crackheads who have whole conversations with me without me saying a word, for example, “Hey sweetheart, what’s your name? My name’s Scotty. Howsabouts you gives me something and I’ll gives you something in return” or something like that I was trying to ignore him and pretend I didn’t hear or see him though that often times does not work and I have to restore to the glare—which I have to admit I am a professional glarer—known to scare the bejesus out of my own friends-- imagine what I do to strangers. So in any case, it brings me back to my original point, which is sporadic runnings should not occur unless an i-pod is near or you’re ready to tell some old farts to booger off.

Which makes me annoyed that men can’t keep their stupid ass opinions to themselves. I mean really. Do they think I’m going to stop running, take off all my clothes and do them right there? What the fuck. It ain’t ever gonna happen. And you can’t keep me down my hitting on me cause I’m just going to keep running and keep looking good whether you’re getting any or not. Because men, you’re lack of confidence in you own masculinity and your constant need to attempt to put women “in their place” is no longer going to work. Catcall all day. We’re still going to go out and play. And we’re still going to ignore you and glare at your insecurities. Word.