Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Yay! I created a New Word Today.

Intellesexual—having such an intensely stimulating discussion you want to mind-fuck the other person.

Example: So there we were, drinking glasses of wine, having an intellsexual conversation, and I just totally blanked out, couldn’t think of a word to say, thus ruining the intellectual and sexual vibe all at the same time.

Monday, September 20, 2010

When Your Online Article Gets Murdered: The Five Stages of Grief.

Anyone who has ever written for an online site, be it a blog or what have you, can understand the feelings of joy and acceptance when other people agree with and/or love your ideas. But many of us have been victims to online murdering—people who take no shame in completely tearing the author apart.

It is as if people online do not think what they say or do will affect anyone in real life. Now I admit, that I can’t win them all. Some of my articles are not going to be as good as other ones. Sometimes I will make mistakes. But I don’t think anyone deserves to be verbally assaulted. There should exist some sort of online etiquette—perhaps—just a question people should ask themselves before posting comments: “would I say this to her (him) in person?” And if you wouldn’t then you shouldn’t do it virtually either.

All that being said, I realized the other day, that when I do make mistakes, or my article perhaps isn’t as well thought out as it should be I will get attacked. My article will get murdered and in the process I personally will be affected by this sort-of online stoning.

And it is almost identical to the five stages of grief.

1) Denial. No one would really say that.

2) Anger. WTF. They really did say that. What a bunch of f-ing assholes.

3) Bargaining. Maybe if I explain myself they’ll understand my POV.

4) Depression. And no, they didn’t understand my POV so F-them. Nothing matters. I give up.

5) Acceptance. Well. It’s an online community so I’m sure they’re attacking someone else by now and have forgotten all about their previous murderings, so I will move on too.

In the end, I know that I am going to have to develop a thicker skin. Which I am afraid will turn me into an asshole—as anyone who survives in the world of online monsters for very many years must have to be.

But, I’m sure if I continually check myself I will be able to live harmoniously; I am aware I need to get over what other people are saying; I need to just “be”. But, at the same time, it would be ridiculous of me to pretend they are not, in some shape or form, making an impact on my life—whether I want them to or not.

I'm just glad I was able to find a parallel to the emotional responses that were happening within me, for future reference I will at least be better prepared.

Saturday, September 18, 2010

Meditate Away a Hangover?

So I woke up this morning in my usual Saturday morning distress: headache, queasy stomach, purgatorial condition where I can't sleep and yet it hurts to stay awake. At twenty-five I should know by now, my limit and yet I still, find a way to max out more often than any twenty-five year old should. So. I was in the middle of baking tater tots and failing at puking--how one fails at puking is beyond me but I do... I am the worst vomiter of all in you could stick a fist down my throat and it would reach my stomach before anything in my stomach would reach a toilet.

I failed at puking and I failed at eating the tater tots which were torturous to make. I really do not know why I thought I could wait a whole twenty minutes to eat but I tried. It's quite a ridiculous scene, me curled up in a ball on the couch, staring at the tater tots, glaring at the tater tots that want so badly to be eaten but my stomach so badly wants me to leave it alone.

And there I was. In purgatory. And I thought: could meditation cure my hang-over?

Now as you could probably guess, I'm not a big meditator. I fail at meditating on about equal par with vomiting.

But, I thought I'd give it a shot since all the usuals were not doing the trick. I sat up...a little too quickly I might add. I aligned my spin. I closed my eyes. I took a deep breath in. "This is fucking stupid." Thinking. Thinking. Thinking I labeled it. And I took another breath. And that lasted a whole 30 seconds.

It did not cure my hang over in the slightest. And it was such a good idea. Dang.

Perhaps if I become a more dedicated and regular practitioner of meditation the hangover cure will come, but I can't expect miracles. On to the next step. More ibuprofen and sleep.

Sunday, September 12, 2010

Getting Personal Again.

Finally figured out how to embedded videos into my blog. These are oldies but goodies.

Thursday, September 9, 2010

More Sex with More People: My Elephant Journal Article

This is an excerpt from my recent Elephant Journal Post.

In what way does being intimate with multiple people interfere with our personal daily functioning?

Throughout working on my Master’s in Women and Gender Studies I’ve had conflicting issues with the basis of monogamy, specifically marriage and all of its patriarchical glory.

If 50% of marriages end in divorce, why are people still getting married?

If one of the root causes of divorce is infidelity, why aren’t we working on concepts outside of monogamy?

Lately I’ve been exploring ideas of what it would be like to have an open relationship. Mainly I’ve been debating the good and bad of polyamory—poly meaning more than one; amory meaning love—together, meaning to love more than one at a time.

Because I live mostly in a theoretical world in which polyamory and open relationships work on paper I thought I’d go through what makes me hesitant and excited in regards to opening up my existent four-year (and counting) relationship and what it would be like to give this outside-the-norm style of love a try.

More Sex

The Good—Ahhh…More Sex.

Whether with one or more partners sex can benefit people in multiple ways, including stress relief, cardiovascular health, better sleep, and perhaps even enlightenment, just to name a few. Also, sexual exploration can help with a lack of stagnation; as most people who have been in long-term relationships can attest, we all go through peaks and valleys, ebbs and flows.

The Bad— Time.

Having sex all the time really puts a damper on doing much of anything else. If I chose to open my relationship and I met new, interesting people who I wanted to spend time with, well, I’d have to own a pretty badass planner to fit everyone in. And right now, it seems difficult to have enough time for just one other person.

The Ugly— Slutopia and STD’s.

The majority of our population doesn’t really find non-monogamy appropriate no matter its label (open relationship, polyamory, etc.) these people generally seem to think that those who are open are promiscuous amoral sluts with STDs. But, there is a right way to be a proper ethical slut, (and even a guide book for those who want more info); part of it includes always using protection and not screwing every person you meet. People who are out doing everyone without protection have low self-esteem and a death wish.

The other problem I could encounter is that some monogamous people may look at me as a threat—a loose cannon who could blow up their existing relationship by trying to get closer to one of them. I am not a sex tornado, I respect other people’s limits and choices, so I find this concept quite frustrating as no one person is attracted to every other person in existence.

We all have our standards. I for one am not generally attracted to the mountain dew drinker, the renaissance fair attendee, the anime watcher, or the peace-pipe smoking hippie but those types seem to be the majority of poly-people who have “come out;” that, or they’re old. I guess if I do it I’ll need to start looking harder.

More People

The Good—More Fulfilling Relationships Overall.

Sometimes when people are in relationships they will put a barrier around said relationship so as to not cross over the intimacy line with other people. This can cause an inability to make more fulfilling longer lasting friendships (or more-than friendships) due to the fact that one person in a monogamous relationship doesn’t want to hurt the other by connecting closely to someone else. The most exciting part of the polyamory concept to me is the ability to have no fear when meeting new people. I can go for it completely. I can get as deep with another as I want without feeling I am crossing over into the “danger zone.” Partly it’s because I’m already with someone, and thus in a way, I always have backup in case of rejection and I always have a support system if something (or someone) becomes dysfunctional.

The Bad—Jealousy.

I’ve always been the sort of narcissistic egomaniac that finds it okay for me to do something, but completely ridiculous and rude if someone else does the same thing, for example I can flirt, but my boyfriend better not. And here in lies the major problem. However, I am working on getting passed that—as jealousy is not an innate reaction to a lover loving someone else but is more of a socially developed dilemma. I was reading an autobiography of the beat poet Diane De Prima and in it she told the story of her girlfriend coming home late, crying profusely, and confessing her “sin” of cheating. De Prima was confused. She said she didn’t understand why she should be upset that someone she loved shared an intimate moment with someone else; it in no way hurt her. Something about that story really clicked with me. In what way does being intimate with multiple people interfere with our personal daily functioning?

The Ugly— Loneliness.

How can a person be alone in a non-monogamous polyamorous open relationship? Well, probably pretty easily if one’s partner goes on a date with someone else and leaves said person to fend for herself for the night. The book The Ethical Slut lists plenty of things one can do to “treat” oneself. It also suggests we make lists such as 10 ways to be Kind to Yourself and 15 Reasons He’s Lucky/15 Reasons Your Lucky. Don’t get my wrong, I love making lists, but am I really going to remember to read my list when the dreaded loneliness starts looming? Or am I going to reach for a bottle of wine and pour my soul into an existential crisis where I question every decision I’ve ever made? And that is where it gets ugly. No one wants to go there. That is where egotistical narcissism would come in handy, or at least some high self-esteem and a bit more confidence than the average bear.

More Rules. . .

Read the rest of this story More Sex with More People at Elephant Journal.

Friday, September 3, 2010

This is What a Feminist Thinks Like.

My Women and Gender Studies degree taught me the art of critical thinking. So now when I watch a tv show, or a movie, or read an article/book/essay etc. I can examine it for it's benefits while also deconstructing it through a feminist/post-modern lens for it's faults.

This is all well and good... i guess. But I've realized recently that I've started deconstructing people. I critically evaluate their level of social awareness and decide from there whether or not I like them or not. Often times, I end up leaving a party-like situation with a list of things other people need to work on.

Which made me realize that I'm being a complete asshole.

Though some of the people I've met could potentially be passive misogynists I shouldn't judge them just because they haven't taken a gender theory class.

At the same time, one would think that when I meet someone and I say what I got my degree in they would at least attempt to be a little more careful about their word choices...but what can a lonely feminist do? Correct them? Constantly?

Even though I can take apart of movie or an article I wonder if that necessarily helps me at all in my social life? At what rare opportunity am I going to be given the chance to talk queer theory or post-modernism without it turning into pretentious drunk babbling? Or maybe that's all that is left of my degree, the ability to have heated discussions with people in the hopes that they are in an enlightened feminist state (i.e. under the influence of too many martinis) and will transform their lives to the cause of ending oppression for all.'s been awhile since I've been around men. And it's kind of freaking me out. Like stranger men. Like straighter men. I am out of my theory bubble back in the world of starers, hit-oners, grabbers, breeders, haters. It's a bit frightening as I've been out of practice in the game of telling guys to beat it. Though I think they can sense the difference--or at least they see my cold hard stare and no better than to approach me. RARHAR!

I don't know about any of this except that I need to get better about accepting people for who and where they are in life. And if they're interesting enough (because, please, I still don't want to give boring people a chance), then all I can do is tell them what I know and hope it all works out for the better.

Until then, I will keep my deconstructing to myself.

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

Extreme Makeover: Breakfast Club Style

Before it was just a boring baby t-shirt.
And then I shredded it--extreme makeover style.
Wala! Being bad does feel pretty good....dude from the breakfast club...

Yeah. I know. It's not the coolest makeover, but it was my first attempt...give me a break. There will be more makeovers to come!