Monday, October 31, 2011

Music Monday: You Can't Handle This. Mhhmm.

Every day I think, today is the day that Robyn is finally going to get old. But then I listen to her and I fall for it again. It's like dance-crack. So, here's more Robyn for everyone's Music Monday.

And also, what do you think of me copying her hair cut? I've never bleached it out before. I'd probably look like crap. But, maybe I wouldn't.

Sunday, October 30, 2011

Okay, Seriously...Cupid?

I didn't realize that being single was actually going to be a full-time job. I understand now why long-term relationships happen--the game is ridiculous. I joined OK Cupid just for kicks and I got over 50 different dude messages in 2 days. 50 guys in 2 days. I bet there's a porn with that title somewhere. . . anyway. It's exhausting. And I haven't even gone on a date with any of them yet. I have though learned how to narrow it down.

Here are 10 reasons why I won't date you.

1) You have "dick," "sex," "lonely," "desperate," "horny," "psycho," some sort of animal, or some sort of combination of those words as your screen name.

2) You have a picture of yourself shooting a gun. Why do you think women like this? They don't.

3) You don't have a picture at all. Or you just have one and it's like a black and white close up of half of your face.

4) You ask to see me on my webcam.

5) This isn't a complete deal-breaker but, if you have a picture of yourself on a mountain, or climbing a mountain, or out on a trail...this is Boulder and that has become cliche.

6) You write a sentence that reads something like, "hey hot stuff, what u up to..." or "feeling frisky tonight?" etc.

7) You send me an incredibly long (or short) erotic fiction story.

8) You make some lame comment about some part of my body like, "I like the shape of your boobs."

9) You write sentences that just don't make sense.

10) You're ugly. (Oh yeah, I know that sounds really mean, but I know not every one thinks I'm attractive and I don't feel the need to act like physical attraction doesn't play a role in all of this.)

All of these things have happened AND more! Oh the single life, I still don't get how people do it.

(Here's an example...if you can read it)

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

My Boobs Do Not Need to Rest.

Has anyone else tried to buy a bra lately?

It's ridiculous out there.

All I wanted was a basic black bra lightly padded/lined so my nipples wouldn't stick out of my sweaters like they like to do.

What were my options?

Pillows for my breasts.
That's right. All of the bras were so padded it would have been like a bed for my boobs.

I mean really?

This is fucked up in multiple ways--mainly the illusion of bigger breasts for no one's gain except maybe some creepo at a bar, cause once you take it off the real size will shine through. And what's the point really if every woman is wearing a bra that makes their boobs 2x larger, everyone would still have the same size, the only difference is we'd all seem so much bigger--the small boobs would still be smaller (even if they appeared larger).

Also, shirts. If you buy a bra that makes your boobs two to three times larger than they typically are, your shirts aren't going to fit like they used to.

What's wrong with breasts of all sizes? It would be really boring and unsexy if women all had 36Cs (that's me in case you want to buy me a non-pillow bra), and boobs probably wouldn't be as fascinating as they are in our society.

It just weirded me out.

Eventually I found one hidden amongst the inflated masses. So, at least some regular bras still exist. For now. No telling what they'll invent for our boobs' futures.

(Maybe we can invent a society that likes boobs... just as they are)

Monday, October 24, 2011

Music Monday: Watcha Do That For?

It's been awhile since I've posted a Music Monday, but here it goes.

Ms. Lily Allen telling it like it is, again. Slightly old-school, but it really nails my current situation. And it made me smile. That evil sort of smile, I shouldn't be smiling. I am probably in no state to watch Revenge either but I still do that too. Muhaha. Cackle. Cackle.

Saturday, October 22, 2011

Another Day Wasted By Germs.

When I said nothing, I didn't literally mean "nothing." But that is exactly what's been happening the last two days. I've been in my woman-cave (aka woca) watching Netflix movies, drinking apple juice, and coughing. Lots of coughing. Which led to shots of Nyquil, which led to me sleeping like 14 hours in a row.

Now I'm freaking bored out of my skull, but way too tired to leave the woca and actually do something. I wouldn't know what to do anyway. The things that I'd want to do require so much energy, Occupy, Zombie Crawl, Drinking, Dancing, yeah. I can barely even type without almost falling asleep. I don't think I could ever handle getting really sick, a basic cold makes me completely over-dramatic.

Maybe if I take another nap, then get up and drink some espresso I'll be good to go.

Or perhaps the cold is just my body's way of telling me to stop. think. figure my freaking life out.

Ain't goin happen overnight. especially if that overnight includes sleeping pills.

Eventually though, eventually.

Thursday, October 20, 2011

One of Those Really Boring Blog Updates That No One Really Cares About.

I feel like I've been blogging more than I have, but I haven't. Nope, I have not been blogging at my usual pace of almost daily. What have I been doing you ask? Well, that's a really good question. One that deserves a really good answer.

I haven't been doing anything. Really. I've just been fucking around. I've barely been thinking, and I certainly haven't been spelling words correctly (this is a rare case).

And I want to let you all in on a little secret. I don't feel bad about it at all. That's right. You can take your plans, your goals, your to-do lists and shove them wherever you want to shove them because I'm over it.

I've been running, running, running trying to be "successful" and now instead I'm just going to be. Take it all buddhist-y if you want, that's fine, but don't read into that too much. I'm going to do one day at a time (not the AA way) and enjoy the experience of just living.


Crazy time.

(I've also considered helping these Occupy people get their shit together, but that would be like a, yeah.)

Here's a little throw-back tune for your pure enjoyment.

Monday, October 17, 2011

Why Vegans Aren't Afraid of a Zombie Apocalypse.

Yesterday, a group of amazing people and I went to hear Melanie Joy speak. She's the author of Why We Love Dogs, Eat Cows and Wear Pigs.

A few hours later we went to a Haunted House.

I realized I can handle zombies and psychos much easier than say, baby pig castration.

Yeah, the Melanie Joy talk was much more frightening than Zombieland.

Because Zombieland is not real. And mega-meat-industry does take boy chickens by the barrel-full and suffocates them. Or puts the fuzzy yellow boy cuties through a grinder. That's right, a grinder. By the heap-fulls.

We often talk about the interlocking connections of oppression of this violence-dominanting society and how women and animals share similar power struggles, but what does it mean when males, by the millions are slaughtered for being worthless, for not being able to grow quickly enough to be eaten...or to be eaten quickly because babymeat is much more "tender?"

Dead baby boy chickens, dead baby boy cows, dead because they're not "useful." Only the best of the best can be part of this earth. Only the most genetically sound can grow into adulthood-- and that's just to get their sperm.

This is disgusting.

This is scary.

Maybe the Zombies aren't so frightening because I'm around them all the time anyway already.

Thursday, October 13, 2011

Occupy Your Life. Or Just the Sidewalk for a Few Hours.


That is what people are doing these days.

But also, some people aren't.

Do they have something better to do? I mean, you can record Gossip Girl for another day right? I'm just saying, finally, people are getting off of their fat asses and complaining loudly about the state of the country. Sure, complaining doesn't really do much, I know because I'm an experienced complainer, but it does do something. Which is better than nothing.

We're all talking about it aren't we? Okay, so protesting isn't the best solution. But I don't think a protest is about solutions, it's about speaking out that we need new ones, better ones, and we need them now. And we need people, many many people, to step up, provide them and carry them through.

Why not?

What could it hurt? I mean, besides the potential for a civil war or another red scare? It's time for change. And not just like nickels and dimes, real fucking paradigm shifting change.


As we gather together in solidarity to express a feeling of mass injustice, we must not lose sight of what brought us together. We write so that all people who feel wronged by the corporate forces of the world can know that we are your allies.

As one people, united, we acknowledge the reality: that the future of the human race requires the cooperation of its members; that our system must protect our rights, and upon corruption of that system, it is up to the individuals to protect their own rights, and those of their neighbors; that a democratic government derives its just power from the people, but corporations do not seek consent to extract wealth from the people and the Earth; and that no true democracy is attainable when the process is determined by economic power. We come to you at a time when corporations, which place profit over people, self-interest over justice, and oppression over equality, run our governments. We have peaceably assembled here, as is our right, to let these facts be known.

They have taken our houses through an illegal foreclosure process, despite not having the original mortgage.

They have taken bailouts from taxpayers with impunity, and continue to give Executives exorbitant bonuses.

They have perpetuated inequality and discrimination in the workplace based on age, the color of one’s skin, sex, gender identity and sexual orientation.

They have poisoned the food supply through negligence, and undermined the farming system through monopolization.

They have profited off of the torture, confinement, and cruel treatment of countless animals, and actively hide these practices.

They have continuously sought to strip employees of the right to negotiate for better pay and safer working conditions.

They have held students hostage with tens of thousands of dollars of debt on education, which is itself a human right.

They have consistently outsourced labor and used that outsourcing as leverage to cut workers’ healthcare and pay.

They have influenced the courts to achieve the same rights as people, with none of the culpability or responsibility.

They have spent millions of dollars on legal teams that look for ways to get them out of contracts in regards to health insurance.

They have sold our privacy as a commodity.

They have used the military and police force to prevent freedom of the press. They have deliberately declined to recall faulty products endangering lives in pursuit of profit.

They determine economic policy, despite the catastrophic failures their policies have produced and continue to produce.

They have donated large sums of money to politicians, who are responsible for regulating them.

They continue to block alternate forms of energy to keep us dependent on oil.

They continue to block generic forms of medicine that could save people’s lives or provide relief in order to protect investments that have already turned a substantial profit.

They have purposely covered up oil spills, accidents, faulty bookkeeping, and inactive ingredients in pursuit of profit.

They purposefully keep people misinformed and fearful through their control of the media.

They have accepted private contracts to murder prisoners even when presented with serious doubts about their guilt.

They have perpetuated colonialism at home and abroad. They have participated in the torture and murder of innocent civilians overseas.

They continue to create weapons of mass destruction in order to receive government contracts. *

To the people of the world,

We, the New York City General Assembly occupying Wall Street in Liberty Square, urge you to assert your power.

Exercise your right to peaceably assemble; occupy public space; create a process to address the problems we face, and generate solutions accessible to everyone.

To all communities that take action and form groups in the spirit of direct democracy, we offer support, documentation, and all of the resources at our disposal.

Join us and make your voices heard!


Monday, October 10, 2011

When, Where, Why, What & How of the Day.

Because some questions really need answers.

Was it decided that Halloween would be the one time women could dress up overtly sexy and it be okay? Because it is only one day out of the year, this makes it so the costumes become jokes of material and substance and women instead are mocked. Not sexy. Obviously, there is also a deep level of objectification going on, but women (and men) (and everyone in between) have the right to feel and be sexy, however that looks/feels to them. And not just on Halloween.

Have all the cowboys gone?

They can stay there.

I mean seriously, is she serious?

Did it take people like hundreds of years to just now get off their asses and try to take care of this capitalism problem? Okay, so of course people have protested in the past but could Occupy Wall St. be the beginning of a new paradigm shift? One where people don't give a fuck about material possessions and care about people instead? Good Goddess I hope so.

Is up with post-colonialism? I ask genuinely what is up in the field, it being Columbus Day and all and it being awhile since I've read any post-colonial theory. Send me links. And let's stop celebrating this stuff already.

Do people go without sex for so long? I mean, there are people out there that haven't done it for weeks, months, years! HOW?!!?!?!? It's supposed to be on the same level of importance as eating. Eating!!! And most people don't have any problems doing that; in fact, I'm guessing plenty of people substitute eating for sex (considering the general obese problem of this nation) but I don't want to do that. I like food and everything, but seriously, if I do that I will not have much of a chance at any come-back. I need a plan here because I may not survive the drought.

Friday, October 7, 2011

Multiple Personalities Soon to Hit the Big Screen.

How do you all feel about Lipface making a come-back?

I was thinking about turning her into a video blog about fashion. Cuz, she obviously knows what's up.

You can see the full photo series, Lipface Gets Crunk here.

I was also thinking about creating a whole new character, one where I have a pencil-thin mustache, and video blogging about art...and by video blogging I mean making fun of it (in a playful respectable way).

I'm probably going to need an editor (Katie I'm looking at you).

And if you have your own character we can do a show together--Like Joan and Melissa Rivers in the Fashion Police but better.

This could be awesome. It could be. It could.

(But I actually have to make it happen + buy more lipstick)

Thursday, October 6, 2011

Oh, Good Grief And an Open Field.

I'm sure most of you are or have followed the Amanda Knox story. On the news before the decision came out they kept repeating that if she were free the first thing she'd want to do is go sit in a big green field. Now of course, pundits are often insensitive assholes and will say things like, "isn't that a bit poetic? I mean, does she have a grip on reality here?" Etc.

But, I don't know, the idea seemed pretty nice to me. So off I went yesterday to find a field.

Luckily there is one like 3 blocks from my house, which is actually really amazing in Boulder since most large areas of land are just dried up dirt with the occasional weed poking through--it is a desert after all. I found a good one though, rolling green grass, a view of the mountains and wide open sky.

I always hope but never expect some profound idea to enter my brain when I do things like that. It didn't work yesterday but it was really good to go outside. It's the small steps.

See, those five stages of grief, I have a feeling I am going to go through them all and it scares me. I can handle being sad and I can really handle being angry, I mean I thrive in anger but being depressed is no good. I don't want to go there because I'm afraid I'll get stuck. And of course, I don't think that someone else should have that much control on how I am feeling. That's where the anger comes in. That's where sitting in a large open field and connecting with the outside world comes in. I may not have any profound ideas but knowing that I exist outside of my living space is important. At least to me. I'm sure getting a bit of sun helps too.

I promise to leave the house every day, even if it's just for a walk around the block.

Greif will not take me under.

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

The One Thing That Would Complete My Break-Up Recovery.

While lounging on the couch watching the Soap Opera channel I discovered what would make this experience complete. And I really don't think I can get over this break-up without them.

Pajama Jeans.

It's like the illusion of being dressed, but not really. And I could sleep in them. Or not move around much in them. Oh, plus I wouldn't get that button imprint on my stomach (umm, if that is happening to you, you need bigger pants).

The advertisers claim that these "jeans" are sexy. I'm not really looking for sexy as much as I'm looking for functioning. Like, it looks like I'm functioning. Many people seem to not believe I am functioning well when I don't have pants on. But with pajama jeans I can trick them into it.

The best of both worlds. For everybody.

Oh, infomercials.

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

10 Random Thoughts: Garlic Breath, Bruises and Breakups.

1) I have the grossest taste in my mouth I think ever. I've been dropping garlic down my throat like the cloves are potato chips trying to keep myself from getting this cold that's brewing. Garlic + garlic toast + coffee is nasty on the tongue. I do not recommend it.

2) I like literally cannot envision my future. I used to be able to, but now it's completely blank. I can barely even remember what I'm supposed to do today, I know I have to write an article. And some grants. And walk dogs. But other than that my life is plan-less. In a way, it's nice, but it's also the opposite of who I typically am. Guess, I'm not that girl anymore.

3) I've been watching a fuck-load of really bad television. Revenge, Pan-Am, X-Factor, Gossip Girl, Hart of Dixie, E News, CNN. What have I learned...well, if you pretend to be someone you're not you're in for some drama. But if you like drama, pretend to be someone you're not.

4) I've been thinking about bleaching my hair, Robyn style. But it seems like a lot of work. I mean, everything seems like a lot of work.
5) My foot is asleep. That happened really fast. Like, I put it up under my butt on the chair and within a minute it was tingling. Crazy bad circulation.

6) People keep talking about how it was just the Jewish New Year, and it's Fall, and how it's the perfect time for change. And I'm wondering if all of this break-up stuff happened because it's just the "perfect time for change," or because it was just time. And people are trying to be nice.

7) I want people to come and make me food (or bring me food) because I would eat, I swear Iwould eat, it's just that the making of it and then the sitting down and eating of it seems so dramatic, like it would take forever and I'd have to put so much effort into it. I think that's why I've been on such a liquid-y diet, all you have to do it pour it in glass (and sometimes I don't even have to do that).
8) I have probably a hundred bruises on my body. Every time I move stuff in large quantities like that I bruise all over, particularly on my legs where the boxes hit into my thighs. Plus I bump into a lot more stuff when I can't see over the load in my arms.

9) I want to find something new to do, like rock climbing or roller derby or long distance running or music making or kick boxing or gardening or working at some cute cafe/bar or stripping or creating a new vegan product for the market or riding unicorns, but I can't decide which.

10) Some of this may have sounded negative but I am telling you all I am moving forward in a positive light. Positive. I am positive. Not for any diseases but just, you know, excited for my blank-less future to be filled in, at whatever pace it wants to be.