Saturday, December 31, 2011
Last night I was at this show at the Skylark and I swear to you one of those really bad OK Cupid profiles came to life. I was standing up front watching the band and these two doode-bros drunkenly came up right beside me, totally unaware of the space the were invading; my space. I was like, “I am not moving because of these assholes.” Then of course one of them bumps into me and does the whole, “uuhhhh yo saarreeee” thing. And continues to not move out of my way. It only got worse when this woman joined them and started swinging her hair all around. I could smell her shampoo. I was afraid pieces of her hair were going to fall into my beer. Or like her dandruff or something. (I don’t know how clean these people are.) Anyway. The one doode who ran into me looked like a skinny wiener version of Fred Durst circa 1999. And then. This is what sold it. He lifted up his shirt. Just like they all do in those photos in front of the mirror. Yeah, he lifted up his shirt to expose his skinny muscled abs to the girl whipping her hair back and forth. I guess this must be some sort of new mating ritual I don’t quite understand. Did this start with Jersey Shore and “The Situation?” I don’t know because I only have seen that crew on talk shows and all he ever does is objectify himself. Was this Durst character objectifying himself in an attempt to get laid by the hair-whipper?
It didn’t work.
She disappeared. Then this other woman came to take her place. And Dirty Durst was on top of his game. She took the bait, even as he sloppily spilled beer all over his face and shirt (that was no longer pulled up). I could no longer watch the scene because what I wanted to do was punch the guy in the face. Something about him just rubbed me the wrong way. I think it was probably the realization that guys on OKC that do the shirt/ab/mirror thing actually exist in real life. And they can easily be in the same room with me without me being able to do anything about it, except leave of course. And why should I have to leave because some wangsta-wanna-be-loved-hated-at-the-same-time doode can’t function in a socially appropriate way in front of me?
Yes, there is socially appropriate behavior at shows. Being a sloppy drunk, taking up too much space, and generally splaying about isn’t appropriate. We’re all used to it, be we don’t like it.
I mean, are there people out there that like getting bumped into and beer spilled on them?
I guess it could be someone's fetish. There's a fetish for everything.
Limp dickscuit ab pics are not mine.
Friday, December 30, 2011
I have exciting news!
Many of you readers may remember me talking about my life with birth control; how I was on this progesterone-only pill that kept me from having a period for over a year. And how when my relationship ended I quickly quit taking the pill, because, fuck hormones, ya know!
But still, it had been months. Like three months and I was starting to freak out. Watching one episode of “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant,” really didn’t help. Every time I got gas I thought maybe it was a baby growing in there. And I was worried because I drink so much that if there were a baby in there it would come looking super retarded—not to mention the Maury—Who’s Your-Baby-Daddy—like scene that could have ensued directly after pooping it out into a toilet.
So, needless to say, I am thrilled to announce the arrival of my period!!!!!!!
I have never in my life enjoyed having a period so much.
I don’t even care if this is too much information for all of you.
I feel as if I am getting rid of so much toxic energy.
And right in time for the new year!
I am really looking forward to 2012—new year, new start. It’s going to be a good one.
Many creative plans in the works including a new music project involving sounds of domesticity, painting, Spanish learning, and of course, an extreme amount of writing.
Cheers to the New Year!
*I’d like to quickly note that my blog from the other day may have been a bit much, perhaps a bit of an exaggeration, maybe even yes! a bit dramatic! But I had debated with myself for days about publishing it... my gender studies side of my self said, no, this isn’t ready; my writer side said, sometimes you just have to make sweeping generalities and be solid in your choice. So. I chose the writer side. A part of me feels bad, but another part of me doesn’t. I am not perfect, I do not have an editor telling me what’s good and what’s not. I make mistakes, but I hope that my readers understand this. My writing choices come from a place of wanting to connect, share, expand, learn, grow. I’m going through a rough time and I feel much gratitude for my readers’ support and understanding. And, of course I will elaborate on the gender issues sometime in the near future as I feel they were not quite clear.
Wednesday, December 28, 2011
I did something really stupid today.
But let me backtrack for a moment.
When my ex and I broke up I blocked him on facebook. To which he responded in an email telling me how unnecessary he thought the blockage was and how all like 300+ pictures of us were now untagged.
I responded to that with some message resembling this:
“Boohoo. We’re not together anymore. And I can do whatever the hell I want.”
I’m on my mom’s computer uploading holiday pictures to her facebook.
(You all know where this is heading right?)
And of course she never de-friended him because “she doesn’t know how to do that sorta thing.”
Why I clicked I do not know.
Since clicking on his page I’ve been trying to unclick the click from my memory but I can’t.
It was the click every ex dreads.
Now, I’m questioning whether I am actually a masochist who clicked knowing it would cause me more pain and suffering. Or, if my subconscious told me to click because I am now strong enough to accept the outcome of his betrayal.
Perhaps it’s a mixture of both.
It was of course, the click that revealed how he is now “in a relationship” (with the woman he cheated one me with).
My initial reaction was “of course.”
Then I got that sinking feeling in my stomach again, like the same feeling I had the week we broke up. I couldn’t eat. And had been doing a damn good job eating the entire time I’d been back home.
This non-eating made me analyze again... Am I not eating because I literally cannot stomach food...or can I not stomach food because subconsciously I don’t feel attractive and think if only I were thinner like them...or even more subconsciously--without food I can just whither away and become invisible like I already feel.
I mean, it hasn’t even been 3 months.
What I realized though, while sitting in the hot tub having a loud conversation with myself over the jets was that there are many men out there who disguise themselves as “feminists” but who are actually walking breathing misogynist asshole leaches.
Socially, women are brought up learning how to be nurturing and thoughtful of other people.
Men are taught that it’s okay to use women’s socially constructed tendencies of taking care of others as a way to get out of doing all the stupid shit that no one really wants to do.
Leaving it for us women.
What I mean here is that many men are perfectly fine with women doing the cleaning, the cooking, all of the planning, scheduling, organizing, bill paying etc. so they can do what they really enjoy.
Whether that’s some business exec who likes playing golf or some artist who likes wanking off on a canvas.
This is not 1952 anymore.
Please, people, let’s stop pretending it’s changed just because it’s masked by the scatters of daddy “daycares” and women CEOs.
(the fact that I have to put “daddy” and “women” in that sentence is a glaring indicator).
Okay. So. Many of you are probably thinking....
“oh girl you just be feeling used cuz you got cheated on by some dude.”
And yeah. I do feel used. And I know I’m not the only person who has gone through this type of relationship before.
You know the type--where you put love and thoughtfulness and energy into maintaining the relationship--even if it costs time and energy that could have went into other more beneficial things like book writing or art making or dinosaur riding, whatever.
What I am saying is that I now will be doing all my cooking, cleaning, organizing, working, creating for myself. And I don’t need anyone to hold my hand through it or anyone helping me get all the “shit” work out of the way... because my life will be more rewarding and fulfilling if I truly know how to Do. It. Myself.
Ain’t no one gonna hold me back.
And I’m gonna keep blocks blocked for a reason, yo.
Monday, December 26, 2011
Saturday, December 24, 2011
2) How can I become a television script writer? I mean the stuff on their today is so bad, I could definitely write something just as bad if not worse, which is obviously the direction they’re going. I should probably just pretend to be an upper class white dude and then I’d totally be able to write sitcoms and dramedies. Or at least commercial jingles.
3) I wonder who in Long Island invented this “tea”? They should win some inventor’s prize.
4) Usually with online profiles, facebook, linked-in, ok cupid, the pic of yourself is supposed to, I don’t know, be one where you feel you look attractive. Do guys really think they look good in their online pic choices? Some of them look freaking higher than a kite, unshaved, blurry, dirty ass, sweaty, baseball-cap-wearing, lame wieners. (Never gonna get it, just sayin’).
(See how poor the picture quality is? And he's standing in a bathroom without even a real expression on his face. Try again. TRY AGAIN!!!)
5) I was talking to my friend the other day about how the act of shopping is itself the holiday experience. Or so it seems. And maybe that’s why I don’t feel very connected to this holiday. I don’t care to shop at places were things are new. I prefer to shop in dumpsters where things are free. And give the gift of dumpster finds to my friends and family year round instead of feeling the need to put something together at a particular time. It just doesn’t seem as thoughtful or sincere when it’s supposed to happen.
6) Does wrapping presents seem odd to anyone else? I mean, paying money for paper that’s just going to get ripped off and thrown away in less than a minute. I usually wrap with newspapers, but that’s not much better anymore since I never actual read real-life newspapers (yes I aware I write for one) but I read everything online. I guess, gifts need to become “virtual” gifts these days to save paper (and time and money).
7) I’ve noticed that in Kansas people eat a lot of white stuff. White flour, white ranch dressing, white mayonnaise, white potatoes, white cheese, white sugar. I think there’s a theme. Also—some times it’s disguised: chocolate cake, pepsi, French fries etc. but deep down we all know the root is white. No wonder people have weight issues. Not to mention the fact that produce around here is ridiculously expensive.
8) I’d really like to have the courage of a dog. Particularly these little lap dogs. I mean, they really have no consideration for gravity. They’ll just leap off of chairs and couches. They’ll fall back off of chairs and couches, without flinching, they’ll hop right back up, like it wasn’t no big thing. Like falling off furniture is just part of life. Plus the whole, “Oh, you just said no? Well, I’m going to do it any way,” attitude.
I like that.
9) I feel kind of guilty for not getting very thoughtful gifts for anyone this year. Usually I’m on top of that shit and even though I don’t spend a lot of money I at least exert effort. Though I have plenty of excuses I’d prefer to just fess up to the fact that I failed this year and acknowledge that I will try harder next year--(as long as I don’t break up boyfriend and have to move three times in a year. Oh wait. I won’t have a boyfriend, so no worries there.)
10) Many people seem to think I need to have a new boyfriend. I just want you all to know that I don't NEED or WANT that shit right now. Dudes are fun to hang out with, drink with, create weird creations with, but it hasn't even been four months yet. Give me a freaking break. Can't I just be alone? YYYEEESSS!!! And I will. As Salt n Peppa so poetically say, "If I wanna take a guy home with me tonight, it's none of urrrr business..."
Meaning--I'll do what I want.
And what I want is FFFREEEDDDOOMMMM.
(This is sexy freedom.... I grew out my hair just to take this picture).
Friday, December 23, 2011
eace... (I like how this video ends mid-word... and how I sort of look mentally challenged).
Thursday, December 22, 2011
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
Thursday, December 15, 2011
So. I’ve recently discovered I have a problem (I mean, I obviously have multiple problems but I am now aware of this one) the problem is I get crushes on people based on the sound of their names... I have this weird fetish for vowel-y type names, like the ones that roll off your tongue. I do not know what’s wrong with me. But if the name is like a little haiku or just beautiful sounding in general I will probably be crushing on that person. Which is really weird because the person often isn’t as great as the name; I find this disappointing over and over again. It really brings up questions on what’s in a name, and if a name really determines a person or not. Like, Krystal. Sparkling clear glass. I think that’s pretty accurate. But what do names like Jake or Mike or Ben really do? These people have to work really hard at creating an identity that is more than their name. Which may be why names don’t matter or aren’t as determining as people want to believe.
BECAUSE the ones with the weird cool names don’t have to try as hard--they’re already born with interestingness labeled on them. Even if they themselves aren’t interesting.
But who am I to determine who is interesting in general? I can only determine who's interesting to me and I think I need to stop crushing on people just because they sound nice, literally, but aren't literally nice (I'm sure some are, but it's not like, based on the sounds of their names).
Really what I was thinking is that I should not be crushing on these people but their parents, like whoever named them. Those are probably the interesting people.
Unless it's a last name and then I don't know what I'm supposed to do about that. . .
Stop asking people their names I guess. This is the new plan. Then I won't crush on them and problem solved!
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
I am aware that there is a movie coming out with this title. But I know nothing about the actual concept and I’m guessing it follows the romantic comedy genre exactly so that means—guess what—it’s not really friends—with—benefits. (Now I’m going to start abbreviating it FwB btw.)
What is FwB and how do two (or more) people make it work.
Well, first off, it doesn’t work.
But it does.
It works only as long as the two people involved can stay on the same page in regards to what they want. This is exactly how any relationship works and how all relationships that end (friends, lovers, companions) fail.
FwB is a relationship dynamic designed for the less-committal, the less-prepared for seriousness, the less-desiring of long-term long-haul love—in all actuality it’s designed exactly for ME!!!
What makes it seem like an impossible relationship dynamic for both sexes (any sex combo) comes from:
1) An underlying egotism 2) Fear of rejection 3) Fear of unforeseen future drama
No one wants to be the state someone passes through on their way to a better state, but let’s be serious we’re not all meant to be together forever. The very fact that we’re not all meant to be together forever should be the very reason why more FwB relationships exist.
Shorter time-span relationships that are beautifuldynamicsparklyfunsmartsexysensualchill.
As I mentioned before, people want to feel loved, duh. I’d say most people though, want endless love—that is someone to love them FOREVER. But let’s slow down for a second-- anytime you love someone that love exists in the universe forever—so if you’ve ever been loved you can’t be un-loved, just maybe not loved at that very second ha! (okay, too heady moving on. . .)
If we worked on getting over the notion that our love is limited than we would be less possessive of other people’s love and more of it could spread around (not like herpes, but like oxygen)--we could all feel it a little more.
So the scariest part, the part that keeps us from proceeding into this type of relationship is that we will end up not getting attention from that person anymore. And/or the benefits are going to make things weird. But, as my friend pointed out the other day—if there is already a strong sexual tension not acting on it is just as weird as acting on it. I mean, if you feel some sort of physical attraction and you both want to jump each other it seems perfectly reasonable to do so. What’s the big deal with sex again? If you’re not into organized religion than you should probably be into sex. And having sex with friends is fun!
Right? You’re not friends with someone unless you’re attracted to them on some level—this does not mean it’s sexual—but there is still an attraction.
What makes a good friend?
What makes benefits?
What makes it more than friends with benefits?
The establishment of boundaries.
Explaining what you want to who you want it from.
Most people have problems with this. Particularly the communication part. Like, if they say what they want out loud there is a bigger chance they won’t get it. The logic here doesn’t really make sense. But, I guess it could stem from 1. Not really know what one wants, or 2. Being afraid that the other person isn’t going to want the same thing.
Again, if this person is your friend you should be able to bring it up and work something out, or it’s not a very good friend to begin with.
Am I making any sense here? Am I getting anywhere?
I don’t know.
I’m tired of rambling on about it, so instead I’m going to write a list of everything I look for in a potential FwB.
Top 10 Traits for Friends-with-Benefits Status:
1) Compatible sense of humor—“funny” doesn’t really cut it because there are just too many styles of “funny” out there. So, quick witted, sarcastic, challenging.
2) Hot. If there are going to be any benefits the person has to be attractive to me. So, this one is pretty standard.
3) At least intelligent about some things. To be perfectly honest, this all depends on the level of hotness I’m dealing with. Deal with it. Some people, though less physically attractive, have had the ability to arouse my mentality—which, as they say, the brain is the sexiest organ—so either super smart about things I am interested in—or hot and smart about things that I’m slightly interested in.
4) Financial stability. I am not your mother. I am not your chauffer. No, I will not make you sandwich. No, I will not clean your room. This person should be capable of handling his or her own shit.
9) An exertion of energy directed into making the relationship fun, meaningful enough, entertaining.
10) If this is more than friends...than the benefits have to be worthwhile of the time and energy put into it. There has to exist that tension. And if that ever fades, going back to just friends should be the plan.
Alright, well, I’m sure I’m missing a few important qualities, but I think that covers it pretty well. I understand that I have perhaps made it even more complicated than it already was, but maybe I’ll do another round and flesh out these ideas EVEN more.
Other thoughts/opinions are welcome.
Sunday, December 11, 2011
Moving. One of life’s greatest joys. There really is nothing better than putting all of one’s stuff into boxes and bags, throwing them in an expensive rental truck, driving the ridiculously large rental truck through a big city and then carrying all the stuff (why is there so much stuff?) into a new place. It just makes me want to move every other weekend it’s so much fun.
But besides the paragraph of dripping sarcasm, perhaps I could dig a little deeper and find something a bit more meaningful.
Moving. A time of transition. The act itself, the carrying heavy objects over and over again is a sign of one’s commitment to change. A must needed physical challenge that gives the mind time to adjust to the idea that, yes, this is really happening. See, the bed is going into a new bedroom. The desk is going into a new office. The tv stand is going into a new living room (slowly and surely but it’s going). Watch as it all unfolds.
This time around I was luckily enough to have help from an (relatively) old loyal friend as well as a very new super awesome friend. Moving is where friendship is tested. If you can survive a move, you can pretty much survive anything. And the experience is always there to loom over the person when other favors are asked, such as, “remember that time I helped you move and like, you made me carry that massive bookshelf and I almost DIED?!? Now, please do ____ for me, you owe me.” And it’s true. Moving: a time to rack up the friendship favor points.
I don’t know. I’ve never had a problem helping other people move. I mean it doesn’t bother me like it does most people. It’s annoying when I have to move myself... but it’s because I have to organize it, pack it/unpack it, hope no one breaks any of it. When it’s someone else’s move, it’s usually pretty simple and only hard in the manual labor sort of way—which I actually like. It makes me feel like I’m accomplishing something. I am not offering my services to any of you dear readers; I’m just stating how I’ve felt about it in the past.
Anyway. I’m almost all unpacked! I look forward to writing many many lists, here’s a list of the lists I’m going to write.
(I love lists of lists)
1. things we need to buy for apartment
2. things wrong with apartment right now
3. what I need to do online when I go to coffee shop
5. things I want to do in Denver
6. year goals while living in Denver
7. okcupid dates (who’s in, who’s out)
8) things people can buy for me if they want to buy me presents (which everyone should)
Friday, December 9, 2011
Thursday, December 8, 2011
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
As many of you loyal readers already know, I have a very strong lack of desire to have babies. Much of it stems from an irrational fear of the physical act itself--though I am aware that women everywhere have been doing it forever. Still the thought of something so large and so alive coming out of my body really freaks me out.
Saturday, December 3, 2011
So, I've gone on two OKC dates since I began my online adventures a month ago. I'm a little weirded out.