Wednesday, January 18, 2012

All About Bitter Unloving Love.

So, last night I realized something really glaringly obvious.

The bigger the crush I have the more unavailable the guy.
That's right. I came to the conclusion that I like the unattainable; guys who are in different countries, guys who are best friends with guys "I like," guys who have girlfriends, guys who would never ever like me back; those are the guys I get fluttery about. Because I can get fluttery in a safe space and not have to worry about reciprocity.

Or putting in any effort.

The other big realization last night.

I'm more upset about the amount of effort I put into a relationship than any thing else. Because there is no proof that I put any effort into anything. If I had spent that time writing or reading or working there would be literal things to show that I did that. But when a relationship ends, all that effort just vanishes as well.

So why even do it?

Why not put the effort into writing or reading or working instead?

What is a relationship for any way?

Particularly a monogamous romantic relationship?

To prove some capitalistic point that someone values you more than they value others?

Does it really matter if one person values you more than everyone else?

I can plenty of love from family and friends.

And I can get sex by raising my hand and saying, "yes please."

So. What I'm saying is that I don't understand the hype. The desire. The want.

Why there is so much emphasis on it?

Is it because it's ridiculous and pointless and since everyone else feels they have to do it, I have to feel that way too?

Don't think so.

I mean, no offense if you're in one and it's "the best thing ever;" I just don't think it's the best-thing-ever for everyone. Particularly myself.

I'm going to disregard my unattainable crushes and start putting more effort into writing, reading, work.

Because results happen there. And I can see them.

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