Sunday, June 12, 2011
Anger Makes Me a Modern Girl.
I woke up pissy. It's a good thing no one is around. I mean, it's a good thing Ryan is still in bed. I don't know what's wrong with me. Maybe it's that some asshole is weed-eating outside the apartment. Or maybe it's deeper than that.
Okay. It is deeper than that.
Every time I go to Astroland I come home angry. Astroland is this DIY lounge space in North Boulder, basically a storage shed that people play music out of. It must be filled with negative energy.
Or I go there and I realize how unproductive I am being and how I am doing nothing really with my life; now that I've put my book aside I have no project I'm interested in.
People who love what they're doing jump out of bed in the morning. I barely get up before noon and it's never by jumping.
I also feel like every time I watch an all-male band it's like watching a group of guys wank off--which essentially, it is. And I can't get over how they've been encouraged all their lives to wank off in public and woman have been told not to even dream about it. And then there are the people who say, "if you want to do it you can do it" or some other sort of reinforcing bullshit that is so obvious I want to punch them. Yes. If I wanted to I could. But it's not like the dynamics will change or the stereotypes or whatever. I'll just be that "hot chick" who plays in a band. And if I'm not the "hot" chick then I have to be so much better at whatever I'm doing than a man just to be able to stand on the stage. Whereas men, whether they suck or not, can get on there and wank off to their hearts delight. They've been allowed the privilege to understand it's okay for them to play. Women have the privilege of understanding it's vital for us to work. Ugh.
See. Also, I'm tired of people who get tired of people complaining about this kind of shit. Because frankly (frankly is a stupid fucking word), frankly I should be even more pissed. I should complain more.
Fuck Fuck Fuck.
Has anything really changed?
Is there any point?
I'm dragging my self down to a nihilistic hole.
Goddess please give me the courage to wank off in public.
Goddess please give me the courage to tell anyone who questions my intentions to fuck off.
It's probably good to be angry for a day. As long as the anger is channeled in the right direction and not at people, real-life people.
Channel it into something other people can understand.
I need a new project.