I'm Motivated to Find Motivation.

At a job interview the other day the manager asked, "what motives you?"

And for a second I couldn't think of anything.

I flashed back to everything I had done in my life, all that I had accomplished, and couldn't come up with why I did any of it. Why did I get all A's in school? Why did I earn two Masters degrees? Why did I even bother to record music, to write stories, to hang out with friends, to work? I mean, that's what he wanted to know, what would motivate me to show up to work.

All that kept coming to mind was money money money. And I knew that was not what he wanted to hear--even if it was the truth.

I said something like, "I guess, knowing that I'm successful at whatever I do."

He replied, "pride."

And I guess that is it. I mean, what motivates me is the knowledge that it's better to try to be successful than to not try at anything at all.

But I couldn't get passed the "why."

Why did it really matter to succeed and what did that look like anyway; what did it mean?

Am I suppose to measure success by money in my bank account, because if so, than I am the opposite of successful.

Am I suppose to measure it by the knowledge in my brain, because if so, how do I test that? How can I prove it matters? Who am I proving it to? And what does it mean to matter?

Am I suppose to measure it by the people in my life, and if so what are these people supposed to be like, better than everyone else that's not in my life? Isn't that egotistical? Isn't that expecting a lot from others?

Am I suppose to measure it by happiness, and if so, what the fuck does that mean? I mean seriously, I hate that idea--it's as if every other emotional response isn't as valid or as worthy as happiness and I can't agree with that; the full scope of emotions makes people have depth, have intrigue, have a well-rounded personality.

Maybe my motivation is what has kept me from getting a job. Because I am not motivated enough to just work for money and I don't really believe a job will fulfill me with happiness or knowledge or even cool friends.

My motivation is to make a positive difference in the world--but that is so vague. Unfortunately though, there is so much wrong with the world one. But fortunately one would think it would be rather easy to make a positive difference. And for the most part, it is.

I just wish the rent, bills, etc. were taken care of so I could do it. Then I wouldn't have to work a job just to keep my pride (and my apartment).