Wednesday, December 2, 2009

300 (or so) words on: Medical Marijuana

Dear applicant to Visual Art,


Will it save the economy? Maybe not entirely, but I’d put stock in Doritos once it becomes nationally accepted.

Will the nation get even fatter?

That’s the question I really want answered. I’m hypothesizing, yes. But that is just an obvious assumption.

The most important part of the (potential) legalization is the decrease in the one majorly pitiful side effect of the drug: paranoia. I am pretty excited about this, as it is the main reason I do not smoke marijuana. Though the paranoia over the legality of the drug isn’t usually the problem; I generally don’t think a bunch of ninja cops are going to jump in through the windows and arrest all of us miscreants. The problem with paranoia usually has to do with me freaking out about what everyone is thinking about me or me drifting off and wondering “am I really where I think I am or am I actually in purgatory”—a common misstep of mine ever since a dreaded brownie incident several years ago.

Speaking of purgatory, I don’t think marijuana is not a moral issue anymore. Why? Because I say so. And so do 100 million other American citizens who have tried the drug (NORML). These stats are according to government surveys, so there are potentially another 100 million who probably lied because they were paranoid of government conspiracies (they’re always watching, you know).

I’m not going to go into some high school paper rant here about the pros and cons or debate this issue at all. All I’m saying is people like drugs. And the government likes money. It’s really not that difficult to figure out an economic stimulus *cough* cannabis *cough* plan that will SAVE THE WORLD. Or at least help a few (million) sick people eat more Doritos.

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