I Think All I Think Are Random Thoughts These Days.

My mom told me to change my facebook profile pictures because she said I looked ugly in it. Okay. Not really. But she said she didn't like it. It reminded her of someone she no longer likes. Someone I no longer like. So, of course I had to change it. But I've had the same profile pic for like a month and that is a record for me. I usually change it every other day. Facebook profiles are a pretty good indicator of a person's personality. Like a second first impression. An online impression. Which is basically a first impression for your online personality. Some people have distinctly two... a reality personality and an online one. Some people are pretty balanced. I don't know what I am. Balanced is probably not it.

You know what I really don't like but also really like right now? My hair.

I've decided I'm going to grow it out over the winter and then chop it back off into a pixie in the spring. I'm doing this for multiple reasons. The biggest reasons are that I'm poor and I'm lazy. I've been wearing lots of weird cloth scarf things in my hair and not really combing it. This look works well for me. Because I don't give a fuck. And it's so obvious with my appearance.

I wonder what will happen when I get a job interview? Because I will get a job interview. People want me right now. I'm like a cat. Which is weird because I'm allergic to cats. But I think that's why people want me. I have cat-like tendencies to not give you love when you want love. And to rub all over your leg when you don't want me to touch you.

Which is exactly what employers are after....right?

IDK.

I don't really care either. Like, I want to work. And I work hard. And I work well. But if people are going to be jackasses about hiring me because 10,000 other people are also applying for the job, fine. Whatever. I'll move on with my life. I'll be a cat and take a nap in the sun.

I really need to start blogging about actual things, I think. Maybe not. Whatever. Fuck it. Live it up. Do what you want.

Seriously. Best. Advice. Ever.

Do what you want (and get paid for it).

It can happen. You just have to bbbeeelliieeevvveee.

Maybe.

We'll see if this believing thing really works out.

Meow.

5 Random Thoughts: Liking, Loving, Working Or Doing None of the Above.

1) Beds

Sometimes it's nice to sleep next to another person. But really. Sleeping alone is so fantastic. You can sleep however you want. For example, last night I slept at the base of the bed sideways. You can't do that shit with someone else there. Also, my favorite way to sleep is diagonally, if I ever end up sleeping more permanently with a person they're going to have to deal with that.

2) Love

I know many of you are wondering about my "dating" life. There are like threeish people I like right now and one guy I sort-of kind-of maybe love....but only from afar. That's right. I am enjoying the art of loving someone from afar knowing that it would never work out, but appreciating the presence of this creature on the universe, and wishing him the best possible happiness life has to offer. It's nice. Because I don't have to worry in any way about making him happy or even expressing my love, I can just keep it hidden inside my heart, only for me. At least I know love hasn't completely faded frommy emotional spectrum--though dealing with it in any sort of productive way is probably going to take at least another year. For now, showing my "liking" is as far as I'll go. The guy I sort-of kind-of maybe love, will forever be the one who got away, because maybe he just represents the illusion of love anyway. IDK.

3) Bras

I've been thinking about bras and boobs a lot recently. The past few days I've been lounging around in my bra but it doesn't seem to actually do its job. Like, I'll be laying there and my boob is just hanging out--wtf? Why even wear it? Also, sometimes when I take my bra off I like immediately want to have sex. Does this happen to anyone else? I don't know if it's just this subconscious reaction because sometimes when I take a bra off I do have sex, so maybe it's some pavlovian thing. Or maybe it just has to do with the fact that my nipples are no longer being protected by like 2 inches of padding and are free in the world to be stimulated by outside forces (aka cotton t-shirts). Again. IDK.

4) Tea

So, for the last week I've been sick. And it wasn't until my lawyer friend hooked me up with sudafed like 4 days into the cold that I was finally able to breathe (lawyer friends are smart) but then I also started making this amazing cold concoction. I take 1/4 teaspoon of dried ginger, a pinch of cayenne pepper, a squirt of agave and two capfuls of lemon juice and I mixed it with boiling water--like tea without the tea. Ginger is supposed to be a flu killer and is really good for immunity and circulation. I think I'm just going to drink this drink all of the time now. The cold is like 88% gone. Yay. Finally.

5) Work

Yeah, so I tried to file for unemployment. I was not approved. Shock Shock. So, I need a paying job. If any of you know of anything that would be amazing. My talents include but are not limited to, judging people, making fun of people, acting like I'm listening to people, looking at people with weird expressions on my face, laughing a lot, drinking excessively... oh fuck I should just be bartender. If you know of anywhere that would let me be a bartender. . . please hook a sister up.

Almost Streamlined Stream of Consciousness: Manics, Amish, and Sexy Sex.

For awhile I was worried that I was becoming a manic depressant, but today I realized it's just the Colorado weather that's affecting my mindset. Yesterday, I was walking around in a t-shirt and today it's a freaking blizzard outside. EEwwww I'm so happy and sunny. Booooo I'm so sad and snowy. Manic? I think very much so.

(me and the weather being manic together)

Also our apartment is still cold. The heat is still not working and we've been here technically a month now. One of the coldest months out of the year--you think if "heat was included" they'd try a little harder to "include" it... or maybe they're just trying to be funny.

I wish I was funny. Instead I just make funny looks, which weird people out or offend them--either way.

I wish my face was better at lying. Seriously. It would save me a world of trouble.

Speaking of trouble, I could use some better drugs to combat this cold. I should probably attempt an all-natural route with garlic and ginger and tea and whiskey--maybe some gingerwhiskeytea? But knocking myself out with nyquil seems to be making it slightly tolerable. Morphine though? Codeine? Opium? Opium is from nature right?

I've always wanted to drink opium tea while wearing a floor length dress, long hair in a bun, and just stare out the kitchen window wishing my life wasn't so abysmally boring. You know, like women used to do back in the day.

I feel like the Amish fireplace isn't doing much to heat up the room. I wonder if the Amish laugh at us for actually owning these things, since they themselves can't use electricity. And actually have to create their own fire places with real wood and everything. Romantic. Rugged. Real.

I have to confess. I've always wanted to do an Amish dude. Not one of them with a beard...they're married anyway. But for sure one of them right before they'e married with the whole get-up, hat, side burns, suspenders. Some of them are really cute. What? It's not the weirdest fantasy. Give me a break.

Well, I look like complete shit. No wonder no one from OK Cupid has contacted me recently--they can sense it. They know that I am ill and not in any way looking sexy. Which means I don't want to be sexy with them. Not that I ever have wanted to, but they know it's really not going to happen now.

I wish there were Amish guys on OKC...too bad they can't use electricity. Or can they now? How do they get away with making things work with electricity? It would be kind of nice to live off the land with little to no advanced technology. Unfortunately their ideas of gender equality are as outdated as their technology so.... no thank you. I prefer my pixie cut and my pants (and my internets).

9 Random Thoughts: On My Day So Far.

1) It's annoying to see people out running while it's snowing outside, but what's even worse than that is to see couples running together while it's snowing. They're so fit and they're so cute weee, weee, weee, barf.

(seriously, don't these kinds of images make you die a little bit on the inside?)

2) I went to a thrift store today and got the most badass Monica-Lewinsky-blue late 80's style dress. It takes hardcore yoga moves to zip myself into it, but totally worth it.

3) I looked out the window early and there was a leash-less dog taking a mega crap in the neighbors yard. Then it nonchalantly ran off in the other direction. No owner was ever spotted. These are the amazing highlights of Denver living.

4) If I were a Gossip Girl character I think I'd be. . . Vanessa. But I'd never ever ever fuck Dan. So nevermind. I'd be Blair. If I were a Skins character I'd be Frankie---though I haven't seen this entire season yet, so that might not be true. I'd want to be Effie but I'll never be that crazycool.

5) My second date is tonight. I have no idea what to wear; this is not a surprising sentence I am aware of that... how can I be cute, comfortable and slightly sexy all at once? I'll figure it out. No. I will not wear the Monica-Lewinski dress.

6) There is one place in Denver where you can go in and hang out for like 10 minute or 3 hours and no matter what you'll escape smelling like an ashtray. It's weird because there's so many smoke-free places now. I'm not a fan of this. Happy I wasn't a drunk in 1979.

7) I feel like I live in the perfect building to get a stalker. These open windows. These ok cupid daters that know where I live-ish.

8) It's a red wine kind of day. But more than likely I'm just whine all day.

9) I've been thinking about how I'd really like a nickname. But you can't give yourself a nickname. And I never did anything cute enough to get one when I was younger, you know like"Tootie" or "Fartbags"... and I'm not badass enough currently to have someone want to call me something other than Krystal. I did have a woman explain to me that Krystal is a stripper name, so I guess, my real name is already a nickname and I should start taking my clothes off for money.

9 Random Thoughts: Mostly About Doodes.

1) Has anyone else noticed at parties or bars or shows that a lot of guys go to the bathroom a ridiculous amount of times in a night? Once I was hanging out with this guy and I swear he went to the bathroom like 8 times in the course of two bands playing. Not only that but they spend a lot of time in there too. What are you guys doing? I am so curious.

2) I made this hummus with lentils, which I've never done before, it's weird, the texture reminds me of play-doh, which really kind of freaks me out.

3) I think I'm addicted to the internet.

4) I started making this painting the other day using the olive oil left over in a container that had once held stuffed grape leaves, so the olive oil was this cool green color. Anyway... I'm wondering if it's okay to use olive oil on a canvas....like is it just going to rot? And if it does, should I just write some deep philisphical meaning about the piece, like, "with this painting I am expressing how art and life, life and art is always changing. This is about the cycle of creation, the cycle of existence; we're here and we slowly decay." IDK. I think I could pull off being a visual artist. If I wanted to.

5) I almost lost 1-4 because I clicked the wrong button. Lucky for you all, I saved it right in the nick of time.

6) Also, pretty happy I got this iSkin for the holidays, since I just dropped play-doh hummus on my computer. This is why I needed a keyboard condom.

7) Speaking of condoms. . .what a weird but necessary invention. I wonder who I'm going to have sex with in 2012? I totally just went to OK Cupid to browse through my potential prospects. It's not looking promising. Although there are plenty of doodes that wanna fuck me. Gross.

8) Why do doodes think that just because they talk to me I am automatically going to want to have sex with them? Just because I like having sex (which most people do) it doesn't mean I want to have it with just any one.

9) OMG OKC is distracting! I did find a cute one, finally. We'll see how this goes. Wish me luck.

Abracadabra...in your pants.

Last night I stole a ring from a magician.

Did you read that?

I stole. From a magician.

And now I have his super powers because it was all trapped inside this ridiculous ring.

He was not "dressed up" as a magician but being his "true" self, card tricks and all.

Halloween is weird.

Random Bedtime Thoughts: Like a Journal But Worse.

I feel like Frankenstein's monster; I have two zits right on my jaw line like bolts in my neck. Too much salt (like literally some people are allergic and it makes them break out, fyi).

That's what Kansas is like, bad food.

And mean cute dogs that nip at my toes and fingers. Or more specifically, one cute dog, that is actually a demon in disguise. Okay. She's just a puppy, but still. When did I become the chew toy?

Also, Kansas is really tiring. It's like 10 p.m. my time (mountain time) but like 11 here-- either way, I shouldn't be tired, but all I want to do right now is sleep. I'm wondering how I'm even typing at this moment.

I saw my friend's baby today. Maybe the next time I will have the courage to hold her. Babies scare me. But at least I can acknowledge my fears.

When I'm in the middle of nowhere I always wonder what everyone else is doing with their lives and if they even remember me.

Also, are they worth remembering?

Some people very much are.

Well. Redlight on my computer, that means night night for me.

Okay. Well, enough about me, here's a song to entertain you until I am more awake to write.

9 Random Thoughts: Hoops, 90's Women's Power, and more.

Even more random thoughts (because I've been randomly thinking lately)

1) Hula-hooping is hard. It's also hard to spell. Personally I would have given it two oo's but I guess the u will do. I didn't realize until I was doing it and it was falling to the ground over and over that you're actually supposed to move front to back, not swirl your hips like a hooker on a bad date. But I'm pretty sure the hula-hooping helped me not be so hungover today. Funny how that works.

2) A friend is sleeping on our couch. I can hear him snore and I'm like 4 rooms away. I would hate to be his g/f, put a sock in it or something.

3) I hit my knuckle on the bottom of a pool. It hurts really bad. I don't get why this tiny cut hurts so bad. It probably has weird bacteria floating around in from the hot tube I was sitting in later that night.

4) I'm pretty sure Ryan just came into this room to fart. Cuz now he's not in the room anymore and it smells like a skunky dirty diaper. That was incredibly rude. And now everyone else knows about it, what revenge, yes.

5) En Vogue. What happened to them? Actually what happened to all the 90's women-power bands? It's like all these amazingly strong songs about equality and awesomeness came out, then it didn't change the world like they thought and now we just have Lady Gaga babbling about being a freak. Woopty doo. (Or it was just a marketing campaign during the GIRL Power era idk I was like 8.)

6) It's still hot out. Is it hot where you are? I mean, like I could use a fan in here.

7) You have the right to loose control. According to En Vogue. You also ain't ever gonna get it. Wow. This is a lame thought.

8) I'd like to give Boulder citizens a lesson in driving/parking. Like a refresher course. If I were a cop I'd pull over the a-holes that never use their blinkers and the people who park in parking lots half-assed. But. That's just me. I enjoy traffic rules--because they keep me from WRECKING MY CAR. But I guess other people don't really care about that.

9) My brain hurts from trying to think of more random thoughts. Guess I didn't have as many as I thought.

9 Random Thoughts: Hair, Plagues, and Just Pure Evil.

1) Every time I get my haircut now I get paranoid. Not that the stylist will fuck it up or that hair will get stuck in my bra for days but I get paranoid that other people will read into my haircut too much. Like I can't just get a hair cut to get a haircut; now it has to mean something. Guess what my new haircut means, it means I no longer have long hair.

2) I plan to write a longer blog about this for elephant journal but I just want to state briefly that Walmart is the quintessential example of evil and the supreme court has been demonized by its corporate powers.

3) The people who own are apartment complex are coming over to "inspect." Is this a Boulder thing? I just hope it's not infested with the PLAGUE.

4) Yes. There is a plague in our neighborhood, well, all the fleas have it and they're giving it to the prairie dogs and dogs and squirrels and shit. I'm sure the city is spraying for it, which will in turn kill more animals, but only later, after a year of ingesting it, then developing some strange cancer.

5) When I was younger I had really bad acne; I am afraid it's trying to do a sneak attack back onto my face. I will not have it. Zits--go find some sad 14 year-old to bother and leave me alone. I have had enough of you... (literally and emotionally and spiritually and all that).

6) Today is the longest day of the year. I wonder how much I can pack into it? I hope vodka and tonic and limes are involved.

7) Does everybody in the U.S. have this mug?

8) I'm happy to have the word "critic" in my job description, though I wish it were "life critic" instead of just "art critic" but I'll take what I can get.

9) It's going to be strange finding long strands of my hair now. Like lost relics.

Or just pieces of dead hair.

Random Thoughts: The Sun, The Burn, The Bunga Bunga.

I wish it was this cold yesterday when my sunburn was in full force, but the cool breeze still feels good on my very red skin.

Sun burns are weird. I mean for one thing they look trashy, not as trashy as a hickey but still trashy and for another the whole concept is just strange. I mean, that the defense mechanism? Surely there could be a better adaptive quality that white people's skin could have developed over time, but no. We still turn into lobster-like creatures.

I have an article this week in the Boulder Weekly. You can click here for the online print version, Gentlemen Start Your Symbolism.

Twas exciting seeing my article in print. It's been so long, much more rewarding than online--though being able to see how many people at least click on it when it's online is pretty satisfying. It's hard to tell how many people read the print versions.

It's also weird when my feet fall asleep. Obviously it's a sign that I should get my big booty off of them, but them getting all tingly and numb--who designed this thing?

I've started reading this article in the New Yorker, it's talking about Bunga Bungas which I guess are like italian orgies. Personally, I think more people should join orgies. Not that I've ever done it; but maybe if more people joined that's why I'd have to call it. Muhaha.

Almost every time it rains that song from Grease pops into my head, "it's raining, on prom night, my hair is a mess...."

And I always seem to wear my glasses when it rains, which is very counterproductive to seeing while walking outside.

I like getting emails. So. Pop into my inbox sometime.

In between projects I am. Questioning my next move. Thinking about inventing something and then making an infomercial. Still need to make my hipster-trailer-park infomercial, if anyone wants to help let me know. Free PBR and velvet paintings (with purchase of trailer).

Yep. I could keep this up all day, but a girl's got to eat. (BBQ Tofu sandwiches, don't be jealous).

Should I Have Done Jail Time Instead?

This is the first time in 20 some years where I haven't had a summer break. This is the first time in 20 odd years that I've had a year break, but that's a different situation.

It's weird knowing that all these people are done with another semester and that I am no longer in school.

They have half-way houses for people getting out of jail.

What about the people who have been in school their entire lives?

What do we get?

Unemployment?

Where is our transitional place?

They're both institutions that instill rules and regulations that force us to behave, one is supposed to prepare people for the job market and the other is supposed to repair people for the job market.

One makes a person pay thousands upon thousands of dollars to read books and write papers, the other one gives a person the opportunity to read books and write papers and not have to pay a dime + food and lodging.

I think I may have chosen the wrong path.

Or maybe that's all just proof that our system is severely out of whack.

In any case, the kids are on break which makes me want to break but I know I've already breaked year after year after year. But don't we all need a break? Wouldn't people who work 9 to 5 need a longer break that people who just go to classes a few nights a week? And what about the people who are unemployed? Don't we need a break from our break? I mean it's exhausting trying to find ways to not be on a break any longer. (applying for jobs is a full-time job)

But, what do I know? Obviously I was not the designer of this society, if I was it would look much different (and all bathroom stalls would open outward instead of back into me, but that's a whole other structural problem).

9 Random Thoughts.

1) Looking at a blank white “sheet” of paper in Word is slightly exhilarating to me, mainly because I’ve been working on that book. Having the opportunity to write whatever I want is exciting and scary; it makes me look forward to the day when the book is done (who knows when that will be).

2) There have been several spiders that have made our bedroom wall their place of death. I find this odd. And it makes me wonder how many are alive creeping around while we sleep.

3) I don’t understand what’s going on with myhair. Granted I did plenty to it in the past few months for it to have a misunderstanding with me, but I don’t like where it’s going. It has a bad attitude. I’ll have to straighten it out.

4) There are too many ingredients in a regular tube of chapstick.

5) I wonder what people in big houses do all day in their big houses; I wonder if there are some days when they are at home and they don’t even go into all the rooms they have. I can’t imagine being that rich and not feeling guilty about all the poor people who sleep ten to a studio. I sort of wish one would offer us half of their house on the side of a mountain. I’m pretty sure, considering the size, they’d never even know we were there.

6) I click on facebook too much. I always expect something to be happening, and though something is always happening, nothing is also happening. Everything and Nothing. I wait for the red. I click and wait for more red. It’s like the mailbox. I go and get it, then I forget and go and get it again only to discover there's nothing there (that only happens every once in a while).

7) I enter at least 5 internet contests per day. I will win a trip. I will win a trip. I will win a trip. Or a "dream" "green home", or a trip, either way.

8) In the past three weeks, I've meditated daily 80% of the time. I don't know if it's done anything. I don't know if I'm doing it right. But at least I don't feel guilty about not doing it anymore.

9) Love will find a way. (as the postcard says on my desk.)