Sometimes I wonder if I was intuitively smarter or more honest with myself, and life in general, when I was younger. Or if I just didn’t get it.
For example, while packing up my stuff I came across this picture of me back in high school. I was wearing a shirt that on the front said, “Boy Troubles?” and on the back said, “Just Dump Him.” Now, that seems easy enough right? It seems like a smart solution.
But I’m pretty sure I bought that shirt before “love” entered the picture. And love just completely fucks things up now doesn’t it?
Not that it’s bad—all the time—just that it changes one’s perceptions of reality.
I woke up this morning, not too long ago, and realized that last night was the last time I’d sleep in my bed in this apartment. (And the last time I’d sleep in my own bed for a few months too).
I realized how much work lay ahead of me—not just the general packing up of all my shit (and there is a lot of shit), but emotional work. The working of “getting over it.”
And it is rather annoying—all of it.
I’m tired of being nice about it. I’m tired of being P.C. I’m tired of doing all the work.
But, I guess that’s just the way it will be. Soon I won’t be tired anymore because it will all be over. Yay!
A part of me does wish for those youthful simple solutions. Non-complications. But I wouldn't have really grown much as a human if that's how I approached life (and men); and acting like a 16 year old when I'm 26 doesn't seem fair to anyone including myself.
Sandra Cisneros says something like, when you're five you're still four, you're still three, two, one. You are all of those experiences. So maybe having a little bit of my 16-year-old self shine through occasionally isn't so bad--as long as it's the carefree, strong-headed part.
(I'll throw in a bit of my 5-year-old self too cause dancing in costume is always fun)
To troubles solved and new beginnings.