Lately layers of guilt have been piling upon my conscious like I’m getting ready to make a guilt-laced phyllo tart. I can not believe some of the thoughts I’ve been having. For example, I went to get a glass of water; I saw a bowl of crackers and thought I’d have a few—then I had to start justifying why it was okay for me to eat a few crackers that I made with my own hands (and food processor) with my own groceries that I had bought. I knew if I ate them, they’d be gone and I wouldn’t be able to eat them anymore. Which sort of made me sad. And I also felt like I was sneaking them because I wasn’t bringing them out in the living room to share with Ryan. Then I felt more guilty that I was behaving like an only child, then I felt paranoid because I knew even people who have siblings or partners don’t share everything with each other. I almost had a heart attack.
And this was just on a simple matter of flour mixed with spice. I cannot even begin to tell you the guilt that packs on when it comes to bigger things like not working out, or not eating enough fruit or not getting everything I want done in a day or Ryan not having a job. I know it’s not my fault that Ryan doesn’t have a job, but sometimes I feel guilty because 1) I don’t want to keep paying all the rent 2) I don’t want to keep paying all the bills 3) I definitely don’t want to keep paying for all those crackers. I get mad watching him eat thinking about the interest collecting on my loans that are being used to pay for that black bean burger he just scarfed down in 3 seconds. Then I feel guilty that I am mad for him just wanting to eat food like the rest of humanity.
I feel the most guilt when he has a job interview and he gets back and we wait. We wait and we wait to hear something. Generally, in that time period, I go through a series of thoughts starting with positive rainbow happy thoughts of him finally leaving the apartment on a daily basis, coming home tired but with a 12 pack of beer for me to consume merrily. Then the next day comes with no word and the colors start to fade--I try not to notice or think about it at all. Then the next day everything turns gray and I know he’s not going to get a call back. And I start thinking really terrible thoughts. And then I feel really guilty for thinking negatively; followed by a sudden rush of paranoid thoughts that maybe it was my fault for not believing in him 100% and the only reason he’s not getting a new job is because I am sending so much negative energy into the world. Which just completely pisses me off. Forcing me to find it really hard to believe in this positive thinking bullshit, which then makes me think that is why I’m never happy and other ‘plus-sign’ people are.
It is quite the predicament.
So if there is anyone out there that wants to give Ryan a job, or just, you know, give me money for being the awesomely awesome person I am so I can pay off my college debt, pay the rent and buy some more crackers I would more than greatly appreciate the assistance.