All Feminists Hate Men

Feminist

You call me that as if you know what it means. As if you know my deepest secret is pure and complete hatred for every person possessing a penis. And that when I took my first class in Women and Gender Studies the teacher was giving away free “dick glasses” which allowed all of us men-haters to use the laser beam attachment to deconstruct the cocks that wandered the streets of the city. And, wow, we feminists have cut off so many dicks I bet you’re wondering how you still have yours…. Oh and I can’t forget the other facts about me as a feminist, how my armpits are as hairy as an apes and I never wear makeup or dresses because I might be mistaken for a “normal” woman. But besides those obvious categorizations of me, as a feminist, I’m just happy you understand that above all I want to completely and totally destroy men because I hate them. I hate them so much I live with one. He doesn’t realize it, but I am in the process of completely obliterating him. Muhahahaha.

Oh yes. Here’s the secret of feminists you already knew all about. We abhor men so much we have devised this amazing plan to live among them, to date them, to fuck them, to even (pretend) love them, just so we can turn them into feminized versions of themselves so they can never break away and be masculine ever again. We’re working one by one but eventually, through time, we will have gotten to enough of them that we may never have to witness NASCAR again.

At least that’s the plan. That’s what we talk about in all of our bra-burning consciousness-raising meetings.

But, with all seriousness, talented women across the land have been shunning the feminist label for decades. Patti Smith won’t use it. Lady Gaga recently revolted at the idea claiming “I am not a feminist. I hail men, I love men.” Which leaves many of us feminists puzzled. Why do you have to hate men to want equality with them? The very sentence is a contradiction. For me feminism is not about bombing off all the penises of the world, it’s about finding balance; a balance within every person of their masculine and feminine qualities. It’s about ridding the world of the social constructions that cause so much confusion and pain. It’s about bombing the boxes that hold us in.

Feminism isn’t just for women, it isn’t just for a few women who can interpret the language of Judith Butler, it’s for any individual who has been silenced and wants to speak; who has felt outside of the system, even for a moment; who wanted to do one thing but couldn’t because of the social repercussions.

You don’t like the word…fine, but say it’s because you’re so post-modern you’re over “labels”, because to not be something you first need to know what it is you’re not being. Being a man-hater does not equate with being a feminist; they are in fact 2 separate identities and they in fact do not mix well with one another. We just want to create, collaborate, work within, communicate within and walk within a society without be ostracized or violated for not keeping within a gendered boundary. Feminism is not a secret society full of hairy angry women, yes, some are hairy; yes, some are angry; and yes, some are even women, but none of that has ever been a secret and none of that has ever really been the issue.

The real issue is that we haven’t begun to utilize those crafty laser-beam glasses yet….c’mon ladies, who wouldn’t want a pair of chic, genital-frying eye wear to ward off bar-roaming ass faces?

(Written with assistance from genitally modified lover, RW Ruehlen)