Masturbators KILL BABIES!!!

That’s right Men. Every time you rub one out, bop the bishop, beat your meat, choke your chicken, flog one’s log, wank it off, you KILL BABIES. Millions of babies DIE every second when you jerk your Johnson. All you male masturbators are all going to HELL, MURDERERS!!!! And the funniest part is that even if you try to control it, it controls YOU, ever wake up after a wet dream, 200 million babies—dead. You think God is going to forgive you, even if it was an “accident” THINK AGAIN. Imagine your flesh being burned slowly off your body. That’s what the babies feel when you “paint the ceiling” and throw them absentmindedly all over your bedroom, or bathroom, or wherever it is you like to spank your monkey. How completely evil of you. If I had any control I’d clog up your urethral opening so as to prevent you from killing any more cute innocent baby-children, but of course that would prevent you from urinating and eventually YOU would DIE, but it would be worth it because I would save so many more lives, and since you’re already alive, you are no longer important and God really truly hates you.

Right. Let's just completely sexually repress ourselves to save lives that don't actually exist, instead of taking care of the people who actually do...