Monday, September 7, 2009

The Art of Pornography

I don’t know what came over me, well nothing came over me, but last night after discovering I had no Netflix movies left to watch, no shows on television worth bothering with, and no internet working, I decided to observe porn. Over a handful of pornos have been floating around in the bottom of a secret drawer since before Ryan and I have moved in to this apartment, they belong to the previous owner, along with a framed photograph, a one-use camera (that I really want to develop, but am scared to) and a server’s apron. When we found them, there was a debate about what to do—calling them up and saying “hey you left your porn here” just seemed a little, well, weird. So we left it, unopened except when we gave tours to good friends and wanted to make them laugh and feel awkward.

Finally, last night after 3 martinis I decided “fuck it”, I’m going to watch one of those dirty nasty movies, but which one? There were so many options, among the selection was one called The Resort another by the name of Talk Dirty to Me #5, along with Model Behavior, Little Darlings (which is just too damn creepy to even consider) and a few others. Besides all having vague names it was pretty difficult to decided which one would be the best considering all the pictures on the back were generally the same cocks and pussies getting it in some form, either orally, anally or intercoursely. I divided them up and even though he wasn’t going to watch it with me made Ryan pick a hand until it came down to one. Masterpiece: A Portrait in Perversion. Perfect. A porn about an artist/painter and his manager. It must have been fate. Ha. So I put on that server’s apron that was in the secret drawer thinking they must go together somehow and sat down for the show.

Anyway. I guess I just don’t get porn. I don’t know why they even bothered trying to have a story line. I could barely follow it with all the dick and vagina close-ups. Also, why are ALL the guys absolutely ugly? I mean, by god how disastrous. I couldn’t even imagine wanting to look at those guys let alone let them stick something in me. One guy was fat. The other guy had this big gap between his two front teeth as well as some skin complexion issues. Interestingly enough, they barely showed the guys’ faces. I guess, it’s not that interesting as opposed to obvious and they did a lot more eating out then I would have thought. I generally thought porn was made for a more male oriented fantasy land where all the women love to suck dick (because as we well know in real life only a small percentage of women love that and I think some are actually mentally ill).

Which brings me to my next point regarding porn. What the hell is up with the spitting? In ever oral scene there seemed to be a contest as to which person could spit on the other person’s genitals from furthest away. Ew. I am sorry but that is no way to lubricate. I mean it is a way, but it’s disgusting and completely un-classy. I can’t figure out why it turned me off so much besides the fact that spitting on something generally indicates a distaste for it as a opposed to something you want to stick in your mouth. But there it was, in every scene making me want to have sex less and less each second.

Oh and that apron didn’t really do anything to help make the porn better either. I’m not sure why it was in the drawer with it, but I have put everything back in there and plan to keep it that way—until I give another tour that is.


  1. I would have loved to see you in that apron with the porn... and now I wanna see that drawer. Maybe the old owner will read this and be made really uncomfortable.

  2. Only if I develop that camera and put the photos online... so tempting.