The Hostest with the Mostest or How to Host a Great Party

Tomorrow marks the occasion for the first EVER Feminist Creative Alliance fundraiser: Changing Seasons, Changing Genders Drag Ball. The likes of Justin Timberlake, Madonna, Dirty ole’ Tramps and other beautiful faces will be gracing the event so make it over if you’re in the Chicago area. It’s a house party or to be more accurate an apartment party at my place and since it’s at my place I must prepare the space.

Party Proofing derives from the same basic concepts of Baby Proofing. Remove breakables and small objects people could stick in their mouths and choke on *insert lame penis-pun here*. When I have a party there are particular steps I take to ensure that both the guests and myself have a fascinating life-enhancing time.

First. Pre-cleaning. This is less scrubbing and more picking up. Essentially just hide and store anything you don’t want people to 1)steal (jewelry, electronics etc.) 2)break (things made of glass ,etc.) 3)talk about (books, movies, cds) sometimes you just may not be in the mood to discuss Foucault or the hidden meanings in Lady Gaga lyrics and if that is the case get said items off your coffee table or turn them around on your shelves. Once everything is picked up or moved out RELAX. No need to dust or vacuum or mop the floors (unless you never clean—then you may want to consider it), but there is no need to do said cleaning rituals before a party because your place is going to get destroyed and you’ll have to repeat it all the next day anyway.

Second. Inebriation and Gluttony. Liquor and food. Have lots of both, but don’t go into stringent on the details of either. No need to make complicated recipes, keep it simple. No one cares what they’re eating when they’re drunk just as long as they’re eating something. I say stick with the salt family—chips, pretzels, crackers, nuts *insert lame cock joke now*.

Third. Theme. Make it mean something. Make it special so the memory lasts longer. Plus it makes conversation easier at later times, instead of saying “remember that one time at one of Krystal’s parties—I can’t remember which one because they’re all so similar” they will say, “remember that time at the Underwear Party when Marcus* pooped himself—or whatever event actually took place (*I don’t actually party with anyone named Marcus).

Fourth. Time. Whatever time you make it, people will not show up then, they will show up way later. Maybe it’s for fashion sake, but I think people just move slow before they’re going out—they seem to need to meditate on the idea of being social—it’s fine with me as long as they eventually show up.

Fifth. Intoxicate yourself.

Sixth. Go with the flow.

Seventh. Dance.

Eighth. Go to sleep.

Nine. Post-cleaning. After the hang-over has subsided (or right when you get out of bed) Start. Don’t fuck around with the mess, get it over with. Begin with all the cups and plates and similar like trash. Then scrub-a-dub-dub all the floors, tables, chairs, and probably the bathroom if it was a good party (and it should have been if you followed the last 8 suggestions), then of course, bring back out everything you had stored away.

Ten. Reward yourself for a party well done. I suggest greasy food to help with the riddance of said hangover.

So there you have it—a simply way to host a great night.

And what would make this upcoming party even better is your attendance. So drag your feet on over and enjoy the ball.

All proceeds go to help the Feminist Creative Alliance-- a newly formed non-profit arts organization looking to raise money for 501c3 status. Seriously. This is a party you don’t want to miss… For more info—message me.