Thursday, September 17, 2009

Engagement Chicken Catastrophe

There’s an old saying that the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.

But Engagement Chicken? What. The. Fuck.

According to Glamour Magazine if you bake a whole chicken with lemon juice, salt and pepper within days… DAYS, your heterosexual male mate will drop a ring (bling bling) on your finger (will drop ring even faster if you pair it will hook-him apple pie). It’s magical. I guess. If you’re into coercion through food.

Do women want to get married so badly that they’re willing to kill a chicken because of it? That poor chicken, what did it ever do to deserve to die over some sort of scheming love tacit? This isn’t even witchcraft, it is pure evilfembotcraft and it needs to stop.

There are plenty of obvious problems with the “engagement chicken” obviously there is the vegetarian stand-point as well the typical hetero-normative conformation taking place. Which happens as the woman hints through the chicken that she wants the man FOREVER without her just gaining any type of feministic courage and asking HIM to marry HER instead. But, that wouldn’t be romantic or traditional now would it? And for some reason it’s hard for people to think outside the box—both the fem box and ring box.

Man wants fem box, woman wants ring box together heterosexual normativity is born and manifests in cyclical fashion over and over and over again.

Until the day the bling bling loses its shine and reality sets; you realize perhaps you’ve eaten too many whole chickens and the outcome of the engagement wasn’t as happy and magical as the fairytale of your dreams.

So hetero-women everywhere before you get to baking that chicken perhaps take a moment to reflect as to why you are attempting to subtlety hint through a dead bird your need for the ring. In the end you may realize that a natural loving bond is more important than settling with some man just because it’s the “traditional”, “normal” thing to do.

1 comment:

  1. Here’s another question I have. How come when it’s us, it’s an abortion, and when it’s a chicken, it’s an omelette? Are we so much better than chickens all of a sudden? When did this happen, that we passed chickens in goodness. Name 6 ways we’re better than chickens. See, nobody can do it! You know why? ‘Cause chickens are decent people. You don’t see chickens hanging around in drug gangs, do you? No, you don’t see a chicken strapping some guy into a chair and hooking up his nuts to a car battery, do you? When’s the last chicken you heard about come home from work and beat the shit out of his hen, huh? Doesn’t happen, ’cause chickens are decent people.
    - George Carlin