Be Careful of that Old Lady in the Bar

On Rachel Ray yesterday an older woman dating expert was on. She gave tips to older women to help them learn how to flirt, as she said, "turn themselves on." The major trick of the trade, what women can really do that works better than, I don't know, just going up and talking to a guy, is to go commando. That's right. Her advice for older women was to take off their panties and get revved up. To realize what they're working with, to really feel what they're bodies want.

Now. I would like to bring back an old blog post. One that regarded Whoopie Goldberg and Poise Pads together in a commercial. A commercial that stated 1 out of 3 women spritz their panties.

Six old women go to a bar panty-less trying to get "turned on," trying to flirt, and trying to be sensual. Two of those women are going to spritz right on the floor. And can I just say, that will not turn anyone on except maybe a dog or some creep who enjoys golden showers.

Thank you Rachel Ray for having another "expert" on your show who gives terribly creepy advice. I can't wait until the day someone pays me to keep it real, and "crystal clear". I can guarantee that I will never tell an old woman to take off her panties.

Which makes me wonder what the advice will be like when I'm an older woman. Granted I hope I don't ever have to go "play the field" again, but can't we just keep it simple. The best way to get to know someone is to, guess what, talk to them. And yes, you may need confidence for that but you're not going to get it by removing your spanx.

Krystal Clear Advice: How to Win Friends and Influence People... or just how to meet people

I recently moved to a new city and I’ve been finding it rather difficult to meet new people, how can I make this happen?

Whether the new move happens for educational reasons, career obligations or just simply for a change of scenery making new friends and finding interesting people can be a challenge.

The most difficult task is simply taking a risk and talking to people. I know personally, I have an issue with talking to strangers, but the only way to make them mean something is to ask them something; get a conversation started. Usually you can determine whether they are worth hanging out with again in a matter of minutes and then just act accordingly by either walking away if they’re lame or giving out your number if they seem cool. Making new friends is almost more difficult than finding lovers because you can’t show friends how much you like them by sticking your tongue in their mouths, instead there has to be a greater mental connection, which happens through stimulating the humor, intelligence and common interests you and the other person share.

Here are ten great ways to find that stimulation.

1) Coffee Shops—though a bit awkward at first, if you see someone reading a magazine you as well enjoy you, drinking some weird looking beverage that could be good, typing some intensive screenplay or whatever you can interrupt and start up a convo about said interests.

2) Music Venues—obviously you share the same taste in music, and of course, a similar love of music is the most important aspect of any great friend, so those who are at the same concert as you allows the perfect opportunity to narrow down the crowd and find someone humorous or intelligent to talk to while the bands are in between sets… this is usually based purely on appearance—though sometimes looks can be deceiving, drinking can help.

3) Art Openings—they have free wine and food. Even if you don’t meet anyone and the art sucks at least there is free alcohol. But generally art openings are perfect spaces for dialogue with people who generally are liberal-minded and open to new experiences.

4) Working at a crappy restaurant—the benefit of having a service-industry job is that you can often meet a lot of people who are as bitter and cynical as you. If you are not bitter and cynical than perhaps steer clear of the service industry sector or you will surely become that way. Anyway, after a long terrible shift full of bad tips and gross eaters you and your fellow servers/cooks/hosts etc. can go hit the town and complain about how much life sucks.

5) Craigslist—not for their weird personal ads section, but for the community section which lists classes and activities where you can select events that peak your interest. I suggest taking some type of class like yoga or cooking.

6) Craigslist also offers the “creative callings” which is also a great way to meet people that share similar mind sets when it comes to artistic endeavors. Or you can start your own artistic endeavor and meet people that way—Ryan started painted people and made all sorts of friends, as just one example.

7) Volunteer—not only will you feel good about your altruism, but you’ll also meet people who are out to feel good too—oh and there is the helping-others-thing that’s sort of important.

8) Attend a Lecture/Book Reading—many colleges and libraries have speakers come through on a regular basis, attend one that sounds interesting, perhaps it will be and perhaps there will be other people of interest as well. If not, they usually also have free food and sometimes even wine.

9) Get a dog. You’ll always have someone near you and it will give people a conversation starter when you’re walking down the street especially if said dog is particularly cute, fluffy and hops rather than walks. If you are in a building that can’t have dogs, become a dog walker—same gist.

10) Start a band. Then you’ll at least have three or so other people to hang out with even if you eventually hate them all. Also once your band starts playing shows you’ll meet people who want to be your friend just because you are in a band.

So. There you have it. Ten ways to possible meet new people—well you will definitely meet new people, whether you like them or not, well that’s up to you.

Krystal Clear Advice: Sex Toys

If you were a sex toy, what would you be and why?

This is quite an intriguing question, but first I think we need to go over what sort of sex toys are available for me to be, if I were magically turned into one. My first reaction was to become the sex toy I use most often, which is a vibrator. My favorite vibrator of all time, was (and I am using it in past tense for a reason) the very first vibrator I ever received. It was blue and sparkly. It was hard plastic—the kind they say you shouldn’t buy. It was cheap, but it did the job. It did the job quite well, actually. That blue sparkly vibrator made it through almost five years of hard work. I do miss it. For the past few months I’ve been having a go with something called the bullet, not the magic bullet—that was copyrighted by a company who blends fruit drinks. The bullet is attached to a motor. I don’t like this. It’s too much for my hands to do. I have to hold the bullet in place with one hand and change the speed with the other. So, I generally stick with human interaction now, which most people would argue is better anyhow. But what other sex toys are out there that I do not actually own. At first I thought—maybe I’d be a butt plug, I mean I can easily be a pain in the ass for some people, but then that’s too cliché. Maybe handcuffs? I could be both dominating and submissive at the same time—hhmmm? I would never be a dildo because frankly, that’s too boring. And I would never be a sleeve because I am more than just some thing a dick goes in. Honestly, ff I had to pick one thing, I’d pick a book full of erotica, because the way to get off starts with the mind. I would want to be the initiator of desire, not just the tool to get the job done.

Send your sex/relationship advice questions to stalher03@yahoo.com and I will answer them as quickly as possible.