I am aware that there is a movie coming out with this title. But I know nothing about the actual concept and I’m guessing it follows the romantic comedy genre exactly so that means—guess what—it’s not really friends—with—benefits. (Now I’m going to start abbreviating it FwB btw.)
What is FwB and how do two (or more) people make it work.
Well, first off, it doesn’t work.
But it does.
It works only as long as the two people involved can stay on the same page in regards to what they want. This is exactly how any relationship works and how all relationships that end (friends, lovers, companions) fail.
FwB is a relationship dynamic designed for the less-committal, the less-prepared for seriousness, the less-desiring of long-term long-haul love—in all actuality it’s designed exactly for ME!!!
What makes it seem like an impossible relationship dynamic for both sexes (any sex combo) comes from:
1) An underlying egotism 2) Fear of rejection 3) Fear of unforeseen future drama
No one wants to be the state someone passes through on their way to a better state, but let’s be serious we’re not all meant to be together forever. The very fact that we’re not all meant to be together forever should be the very reason why more FwB relationships exist.
Shorter time-span relationships that are beautifuldynamicsparklyfunsmartsexysensualchill.
As I mentioned before, people want to feel loved, duh. I’d say most people though, want endless love—that is someone to love them FOREVER. But let’s slow down for a second-- anytime you love someone that love exists in the universe forever—so if you’ve ever been loved you can’t be un-loved, just maybe not loved at that very second ha! (okay, too heady moving on. . .)
If we worked on getting over the notion that our love is limited than we would be less possessive of other people’s love and more of it could spread around (not like herpes, but like oxygen)--we could all feel it a little more.
So the scariest part, the part that keeps us from proceeding into this type of relationship is that we will end up not getting attention from that person anymore. And/or the benefits are going to make things weird. But, as my friend pointed out the other day—if there is already a strong sexual tension not acting on it is just as weird as acting on it. I mean, if you feel some sort of physical attraction and you both want to jump each other it seems perfectly reasonable to do so. What’s the big deal with sex again? If you’re not into organized religion than you should probably be into sex. And having sex with friends is fun!
Right? You’re not friends with someone unless you’re attracted to them on some level—this does not mean it’s sexual—but there is still an attraction.
What makes a good friend?
What makes benefits?
What makes it more than friends with benefits?
The establishment of boundaries.
Explaining what you want to who you want it from.
Most people have problems with this. Particularly the communication part. Like, if they say what they want out loud there is a bigger chance they won’t get it. The logic here doesn’t really make sense. But, I guess it could stem from 1. Not really know what one wants, or 2. Being afraid that the other person isn’t going to want the same thing.
Again, if this person is your friend you should be able to bring it up and work something out, or it’s not a very good friend to begin with.
Am I making any sense here? Am I getting anywhere?
I don’t know.
I’m tired of rambling on about it, so instead I’m going to write a list of everything I look for in a potential FwB.
Top 10 Traits for Friends-with-Benefits Status:
1) Compatible sense of humor—“funny” doesn’t really cut it because there are just too many styles of “funny” out there. So, quick witted, sarcastic, challenging.
2) Hot. If there are going to be any benefits the person has to be attractive to me. So, this one is pretty standard.
3) At least intelligent about some things. To be perfectly honest, this all depends on the level of hotness I’m dealing with. Deal with it. Some people, though less physically attractive, have had the ability to arouse my mentality—which, as they say, the brain is the sexiest organ—so either super smart about things I am interested in—or hot and smart about things that I’m slightly interested in.
4) Financial stability. I am not your mother. I am not your chauffer. No, I will not make you sandwich. No, I will not clean your room. This person should be capable of handling his or her own shit.
9) An exertion of energy directed into making the relationship fun, meaningful enough, entertaining.
10) If this is more than friends...than the benefits have to be worthwhile of the time and energy put into it. There has to exist that tension. And if that ever fades, going back to just friends should be the plan.
Alright, well, I’m sure I’m missing a few important qualities, but I think that covers it pretty well. I understand that I have perhaps made it even more complicated than it already was, but maybe I’ll do another round and flesh out these ideas EVEN more.
Other thoughts/opinions are welcome.