Saturday, December 24, 2011

10 Random Thoughts: Presents, Freedom, and Sexy Sex Oh My!

1) Is anyone creeped out by the Folgers commercial where the sister says to the brother, “you’re my present this year!” And then she looks at him, like he’s her “present.” Gross. I get freaked out every time it’s on. Plus the “African” wrapping paper that’s supposed to be an indication that “he was doing something heroic in some 3rd world country somewhere where they don’t have good coffee,” –that also weirds me out.

2) How can I become a television script writer? I mean the stuff on their today is so bad, I could definitely write something just as bad if not worse, which is obviously the direction they’re going. I should probably just pretend to be an upper class white dude and then I’d totally be able to write sitcoms and dramedies. Or at least commercial jingles.

3) I wonder who in Long Island invented this “tea”? They should win some inventor’s prize.

4) Usually with online profiles, facebook, linked-in, ok cupid, the pic of yourself is supposed to, I don’t know, be one where you feel you look attractive. Do guys really think they look good in their online pic choices? Some of them look freaking higher than a kite, unshaved, blurry, dirty ass, sweaty, baseball-cap-wearing, lame wieners. (Never gonna get it, just sayin’).

(See how poor the picture quality is? And he's standing in a bathroom without even a real expression on his face. Try again. TRY AGAIN!!!)

5) I was talking to my friend the other day about how the act of shopping is itself the holiday experience. Or so it seems. And maybe that’s why I don’t feel very connected to this holiday. I don’t care to shop at places were things are new. I prefer to shop in dumpsters where things are free. And give the gift of dumpster finds to my friends and family year round instead of feeling the need to put something together at a particular time. It just doesn’t seem as thoughtful or sincere when it’s supposed to happen.

6) Does wrapping presents seem odd to anyone else? I mean, paying money for paper that’s just going to get ripped off and thrown away in less than a minute. I usually wrap with newspapers, but that’s not much better anymore since I never actual read real-life newspapers (yes I aware I write for one) but I read everything online. I guess, gifts need to become “virtual” gifts these days to save paper (and time and money).

7) I’ve noticed that in Kansas people eat a lot of white stuff. White flour, white ranch dressing, white mayonnaise, white potatoes, white cheese, white sugar. I think there’s a theme. Also—some times it’s disguised: chocolate cake, pepsi, French fries etc. but deep down we all know the root is white. No wonder people have weight issues. Not to mention the fact that produce around here is ridiculously expensive.

8) I’d really like to have the courage of a dog. Particularly these little lap dogs. I mean, they really have no consideration for gravity. They’ll just leap off of chairs and couches. They’ll fall back off of chairs and couches, without flinching, they’ll hop right back up, like it wasn’t no big thing. Like falling off furniture is just part of life. Plus the whole, “Oh, you just said no? Well, I’m going to do it any way,” attitude.

I like that.

9) I feel kind of guilty for not getting very thoughtful gifts for anyone this year. Usually I’m on top of that shit and even though I don’t spend a lot of money I at least exert effort. Though I have plenty of excuses I’d prefer to just fess up to the fact that I failed this year and acknowledge that I will try harder next year--(as long as I don’t break up boyfriend and have to move three times in a year. Oh wait. I won’t have a boyfriend, so no worries there.)

10) Many people seem to think I need to have a new boyfriend. I just want you all to know that I don't NEED or WANT that shit right now. Dudes are fun to hang out with, drink with, create weird creations with, but it hasn't even been four months yet. Give me a freaking break. Can't I just be alone? YYYEEESSS!!! And I will. As Salt n Peppa so poetically say, "If I wanna take a guy home with me tonight, it's none of urrrr business..."

Meaning--I'll do what I want.


And what I want is FFFREEEDDDOOMMMM.

(This is sexy freedom.... I grew out my hair just to take this picture).

1 comment:

  1. Enjoy your freedom - it is worth every syllable of the word, and then some! BTW, I have also wondered what the deal is with wrapping presents - I'd wrap even with random white paper if I had to, whatever! :-)