Wednesday, December 28, 2011

From One Ex to The Next (Stay Blocked)!

I couldn't decide whether or not to actually post this, but I am like fuck it, I think this needs to get out into the world... so here goes. Written Dec. 25th):

I did something really stupid today.

But let me backtrack for a moment.

When my ex and I broke up I blocked him on facebook. To which he responded in an email telling me how unnecessary he thought the blockage was and how all like 300+ pictures of us were now untagged.

I responded to that with some message resembling this:

“Boohoo. We’re not together anymore. And I can do whatever the hell I want.”

Fast forward.

I’m on my mom’s computer uploading holiday pictures to her facebook.

(You all know where this is heading right?)

And of course she never de-friended him because “she doesn’t know how to do that sorta thing.”

Why I clicked I do not know.

Since clicking on his page I’ve been trying to unclick the click from my memory but I can’t.

It was the click every ex dreads.

Now, I’m questioning whether I am actually a masochist who clicked knowing it would cause me more pain and suffering. Or, if my subconscious told me to click because I am now strong enough to accept the outcome of his betrayal.

Perhaps it’s a mixture of both.

It was of course, the click that revealed how he is now “in a relationship” (with the woman he cheated one me with).

My initial reaction was “of course.”

Then I got that sinking feeling in my stomach again, like the same feeling I had the week we broke up. I couldn’t eat. And had been doing a damn good job eating the entire time I’d been back home.

This non-eating made me analyze again... Am I not eating because I literally cannot stomach food...or can I not stomach food because subconsciously I don’t feel attractive and think if only I were thinner like them...or even more subconsciously--without food I can just whither away and become invisible like I already feel.

I mean, it hasn’t even been 3 months.

What I realized though, while sitting in the hot tub having a loud conversation with myself over the jets was that there are many men out there who disguise themselves as “feminists” but who are actually walking breathing misogynist asshole leaches.

Socially, women are brought up learning how to be nurturing and thoughtful of other people.

Men are taught that it’s okay to use women’s socially constructed tendencies of taking care of others as a way to get out of doing all the stupid shit that no one really wants to do.

Leaving it for us women.

What I mean here is that many men are perfectly fine with women doing the cleaning, the cooking, all of the planning, scheduling, organizing, bill paying etc. so they can do what they really enjoy.

Whether that’s some business exec who likes playing golf or some artist who likes wanking off on a canvas.

This is not 1952 anymore.

Please, people, let’s stop pretending it’s changed just because it’s masked by the scatters of daddy “daycares” and women CEOs.

(the fact that I have to put “daddy” and “women” in that sentence is a glaring indicator).

Okay. So. Many of you are probably thinking....

“oh girl you just be feeling used cuz you got cheated on by some dude.”

And yeah. I do feel used. And I know I’m not the only person who has gone through this type of relationship before.

You know the type--where you put love and thoughtfulness and energy into maintaining the relationship--even if it costs time and energy that could have went into other more beneficial things like book writing or art making or dinosaur riding, whatever.

What I am saying is that I now will be doing all my cooking, cleaning, organizing, working, creating for myself. And I don’t need anyone to hold my hand through it or anyone helping me get all the “shit” work out of the way... because my life will be more rewarding and fulfilling if I truly know how to Do. It. Myself.

Ain’t no one gonna hold me back.

And I’m gonna keep blocks blocked for a reason, yo.