Saturday, December 31, 2011

I Did It All for A Cookie: A Rant on D-Bags At Bars.

Last night I was at this show at the Skylark and I swear to you one of those really bad OK Cupid profiles came to life. I was standing up front watching the band and these two doode-bros drunkenly came up right beside me, totally unaware of the space the were invading; my space. I was like, “I am not moving because of these assholes.” Then of course one of them bumps into me and does the whole, “uuhhhh yo saarreeee” thing. And continues to not move out of my way. It only got worse when this woman joined them and started swinging her hair all around. I could smell her shampoo. I was afraid pieces of her hair were going to fall into my beer. Or like her dandruff or something. (I don’t know how clean these people are.) Anyway. The one doode who ran into me looked like a skinny wiener version of Fred Durst circa 1999. And then. This is what sold it. He lifted up his shirt. Just like they all do in those photos in front of the mirror. Yeah, he lifted up his shirt to expose his skinny muscled abs to the girl whipping her hair back and forth. I guess this must be some sort of new mating ritual I don’t quite understand. Did this start with Jersey Shore and “The Situation?” I don’t know because I only have seen that crew on talk shows and all he ever does is objectify himself. Was this Durst character objectifying himself in an attempt to get laid by the hair-whipper?

It didn’t work.

She disappeared. Then this other woman came to take her place. And Dirty Durst was on top of his game. She took the bait, even as he sloppily spilled beer all over his face and shirt (that was no longer pulled up). I could no longer watch the scene because what I wanted to do was punch the guy in the face. Something about him just rubbed me the wrong way. I think it was probably the realization that guys on OKC that do the shirt/ab/mirror thing actually exist in real life. And they can easily be in the same room with me without me being able to do anything about it, except leave of course. And why should I have to leave because some wangsta-wanna-be-loved-hated-at-the-same-time doode can’t function in a socially appropriate way in front of me?

Yes, there is socially appropriate behavior at shows. Being a sloppy drunk, taking up too much space, and generally splaying about isn’t appropriate. We’re all used to it, be we don’t like it.

I mean, are there people out there that like getting bumped into and beer spilled on them?

I guess it could be someone's fetish. There's a fetish for everything.

Limp dickscuit ab pics are not mine.

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