Thursday, October 6, 2011

Oh, Good Grief And an Open Field.

I'm sure most of you are or have followed the Amanda Knox story. On the news before the decision came out they kept repeating that if she were free the first thing she'd want to do is go sit in a big green field. Now of course, pundits are often insensitive assholes and will say things like, "isn't that a bit poetic? I mean, does she have a grip on reality here?" Etc.

But, I don't know, the idea seemed pretty nice to me. So off I went yesterday to find a field.

Luckily there is one like 3 blocks from my house, which is actually really amazing in Boulder since most large areas of land are just dried up dirt with the occasional weed poking through--it is a desert after all. I found a good one though, rolling green grass, a view of the mountains and wide open sky.

I always hope but never expect some profound idea to enter my brain when I do things like that. It didn't work yesterday but it was really good to go outside. It's the small steps.

See, those five stages of grief, I have a feeling I am going to go through them all and it scares me. I can handle being sad and I can really handle being angry, I mean I thrive in anger but being depressed is no good. I don't want to go there because I'm afraid I'll get stuck. And of course, I don't think that someone else should have that much control on how I am feeling. That's where the anger comes in. That's where sitting in a large open field and connecting with the outside world comes in. I may not have any profound ideas but knowing that I exist outside of my living space is important. At least to me. I'm sure getting a bit of sun helps too.

I promise to leave the house every day, even if it's just for a walk around the block.

Greif will not take me under.

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