Monday, August 16, 2010

The Art of Competitive Sharing

Ryan and I do this thing, like, if I have five chips and he has five chips and then he eats another chip, well, then I eat another chip. I like to call this game: competitive sharing. Where we are so insistent on equality that we must compete to make sure neither one of us gets any more than the other. I don’t know if he knows he’s in on this game, but he’s a major player. For example. If he goes for a bike ride and while on his bike ride I stay home and drink a beer, when he gets back we have to get more beer and he has to drink quicker so as to catch up with the one beer I had before him. Or. If we have left-overs, LEFT OVERS, and I start eating mine before his gets done in the microwave, well, once his IS done he eats faster than usual (which is really fucking scarfaliciously fast) and tries to get done before me so he can do the dishes so he can use it later to say that he did the dishes when I want him to, I don’t know, clean the toilet or whatever. Because we wouldn’t be sharing the household chores if he did the dishes AND cleaned the toilet.

I don’t really know the point of my discussing this except that I wonder if any other couple behaves this neurotically. I mean, I highly doubt that when one partner puts her book on the table that the other partner MOVES it to the other end of the table, or perhaps, hides it so the first partner can’t find it unless she asks. I mean, surely, no one else has to deal with that shit? He claims to be slightly OCD. I don’t know, how about taking a slight of a pill for that? Because I want my book to be where I put it, when I put it, where I want to put it.


I’m just saying he is much better at competitive sharing than I am. As in, he actually is okay with sharing, and as a narcissistic egotistical maniac, I want it all! Okay. I don’t want ALL of it. I want all the fun stuff, so, like I could drink all the beer while I watch Ryan do the dishes and clean the toilet. Is that so much to ask. . .?

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