Monday, January 17, 2011

Caring Will Kill You.

Or at least give you a life time of panic attacks.

Yesterday I woke up in a good mood. I can't tell you exactly what caused this good mood, but I can tell you it's a rarity and that it didn't last very long.

In fact, I did a complete 180 by the evening.

I went to this organic eco-friendly food allergy baking contest in the afternoon and heard the Erin Brochovich of the food industry talk about how each and every one of us has the power to make positive change.

And that was all well and good. Whatever. Great. But then I went home and thought about all the things that I want to change.

All of things that I need and want to do.
And that's when I decided to become a nihilist.

I, of course, ran into two arguments almost immediately upon my declaration as a nihilist.
1) I do this every January.
2) It seems boring.

To counter.
1) I believe I do it more than just in January, it waxes and wanes like the moon.
2) Really? Boring? Content, maybe. Or calm. Perhaps a little boring, but nihilism would save me a lot of energy.

Obviously if I was a pure nihilist I wouldn't be writing right now, because I wouldn't care. But, I want to dig deeper into why I feel this way. What makes me want to give up? Not care? Believe in nothing?

Maybe I don't believe what the Erin Brochovich of the food industry says about each one of us being able to make a lasting impact. Perhaps I'm beginning to see that idea as part of the "boot strap mentality"--where anyone who works hard enough and tries hard enough will be successful....

We can all see that that isn't true--if that were true they wouldn't have movies out there with that one poor or black or homeless individual who beat all the odds and becomes famous or rich or happy--because if everyone could beat all the odds, then there wouldn't be odds. There would just be people working hard and actually getting what they deserve; now that's just crazy talk.

I don't think that nihilism is too far of a stretch away from feminism. At least radical feminism, because the radicals want to start over from scratch, they don't want to try to fix what's already broken--they want to annihilate the system. Anarchy. Punk mentality. A tropical Herland.

Maybe feminists just need better marketers. Why are we still always on the defense? Why do I feel like I constantly have to stand-up for my beliefs? Pardon me for not wanting people to be oppressed. My bad. I guess I'm in the wrong here.

All I know is that it gets old. Really fucking old. And this shit has been going on for centuries. So why not just give up, forget about it, move on with my life, become a stripper, eat KFC, read romance novels, marry a man for his money, go shopping every day, drink martinis every night.

Who the fuck cares?

Is there anything I can really truly do anyway?

Sometimes I dream about moving out to the country, growing my own garden, living off the land, internet/tv free, just reading classic novels, painting, listening to good music, dancing. But then I hear or see something that really pisses me off and I just can't stand it, I can't handle not doing or saying something about it.

But does it do any good in the long run?

That's all I can hope for. And as long as I have a slight glimmer of hope I suppose I can't be a nihilist entirely.

But I would like the occasional week off.

Or you know, people to quit being asshole misogynist oppressors. I'd much prefer that then a vacation.

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