Monday, May 10, 2010

Cubs fans, Kentucky Fried Chicken, and Forever 21

Post-Apocalyptic Hoping: Octavia Butler's Dystopian/Utopian Vision

Three things that may seem to have nothing at all in common, but I tell you they do. What could it be you wonder? A bunch of people who like baseball, chicken wrapped in a grease bath, and a clothing store for "hip" women… hhmm. It doesn’t seem like they have anything to do with each other, but wait! What they all have in common is that they utterly piss me off. Oh my! Here is why:

1) Cubs fans. This is not intended for all cubs fans. My pissed-offness comes directly from Cubs fans who think they need to ride the train. I have a suggestion: that area in between the seats, guess what? You can stand there! It is not designated for empty space, in fact, when more and more people are getting on the train the best thing to do would be to get out of the way of the fucking door. Trust me, you will have enough time to get out and get to your precious little sporting event. The train conductors actually wait until you’re all off just because they know you’re a bunch of baahhing sheep.

...Just a side note, I will be going to my first and last Cubs game this Friday… needless to say I am wondering what I am getting myself into and also wondering if it would be a good time to start an addiction to Valium. But, there is the potential for a really good time (because the people I'm going with are cool), so I’m going to go in with that mindset instead of the mindset of wanting to destroy all the drunk Cubs fans who still after ALL these years haven’t figured out the etiquette of the El.

2) Kentucky Fried Chicken. Is it just me who is completely disturbed by KFC’s breast cancer awareness campaign? There is only slight humor in the fact that KFC sells “breasts” but that isn’t what pisses me off. KFC promoting a cure for breast cancer is like all of those Phillip Morris advertisements about smoking being bad. It’s really quite disgusting. KFC has been known to use hormonally shot-up chickens which have been equated with the rise in breast cancer and now they want YOU to go and buy a bucket of it so the proceeds can go to some non-for-profit, wtf; Race for the Cure? It’s hard to get anywhere when the people supporting you are the one’s setting you back. I am not post-modern enough to find that even slightly tolerable.

3) Forever 21. The name of the store itself suggests that the clothing inside will keep you at your “peak” youthful age; it’s unfortunate that when I went in there all the clothes looked like they were made for a 2 year old girl instead of a 21 year old woman. This was another case of being utterly disturbed. Everything in the store was like an advertisement to retreat to girlhood (which underlying means giving up whatever self-authority you have). On the first floor alone the clothes were covered in cartoons and smiley faces (aka 6th grade). The basement and upstairs looked like Blossom + Six, Madonna + Cyndi Lauper, Farrah Fawcett + Cher got into a huge cat fight, tore each others clothes off and then mass produced them.

Why are the 90’s coming back? And why do they have to feminize it even more than before? One whole section looked like the mannequins had eaten packs of bubble gum, followed by big sticks of cotton candy, gulped down by some grape juice, followed by some strawberries, chased with some pepto bismol; and then the mannequins decided to vomit on all the dresses, which they then tried to cover up with jean jacket vests.

So it’s true, I am not forever 21 I am in fact 25 but no one should want to wear that shit. Sorry. It’s physically ugly and mentally demeaning to think 20 year olds want to dress and act like they’re 2. It’s not cute. It’s fucked up. We’re not your fucking dolls. We are real women, with real confidence, with real assertiveness and it will take more than a tutu and a smiley face shirt to trick us back into submission. Word to your mother.

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