April Fool's Anniversary

So today marks me and Ryan's 4 year anniversary. I don't know about most couples these days, but there was never any "official" statement of our coupledom; there was the one day I sent him a facebook message (when facebook was new and mysteriously cool) that stated "do you like me? Circle Yes or No (or reply yes or no since you can't technically circle anything via the internet)" but I don't think that facebook note justifies or clarifies us as an "us" (even though he obviously replied Yes).

It seems kind of silly in a way to just pick a date out of thin air, perhaps that is why we settled on April Fools Day. In my mind I generally look for a way out--so if we ever broke up I could say, well it was all just a big long joke now wasn't it? Yes. I am cynical, but luckily Ryan is calming, peaceful even, which balances my hostility, my insecurities (yes even a narcissistic egomaniac can have insecurities).

And so, here we are four years later and the biggest problem is my own feminist woes. In other words, I still have trouble saying "partner," I often revert to "boyfriend" even though he rarely is a boy, and, in most cases, is more than a friend. I don't know why I do it. I guess I take the easy way out, since "boyfriend" is still the standard word and people generally are confused when I say partner or when I go home they laugh and go "pardner" and usually follow it with a impromptu imaginary lassoing of a bull.

But in the most obvious sense of the word Ryan is my partner. We work on projects together, music, art, etc. We support each other with our individual work be it my grad school or his painting. We are there for each other on a emotional, spiritual, oh, yes, even *gasp* a sexual basis. Why I am weak and call him my boyfriend like we are in junior high and he is the first boy who ever caught my eye is beyond my comprehension. I guess I just suck at being a feminist. Whatever. We can't all be perfect. And as a feminist, it is a constant daily struggle to fight for understanding; sometimes I just need a moment in which I do not need to clarify, that i can *gasp* conform.

Luckily, that is the most of my problems--my true individual daily life problems, so I really can't complain. Well, I can complain and I do but it's about stuff outside of my control.

Cheers to another four years of partnership...maybe I can actually start using the word. . .