Me and My Big Sequined BUTT

Last night at the empty Empty Bottle I had quite the interaction with a couple from the band that opened the show. The band had nine members in it, one of the members, a standard white dude, wore plaid pajama bottoms and an oversized shirt, (I mean really, PJs? he could have at least wore those pajama bottoms that look like jeans). Another musician, an Asian woman, actually dressed for a show, she wore a cloudy white-bridal-dress-esque skirt, a black sequined top, and a purple 50’s style hat, feather and all. These two people PJ man and Cloudy Skirt Girl were either engaged or married to one another. Either way, they made a “great couple” a great couple "meant for each other", a couple "destined to be".

So, we were playing to a crowded room. Okay. There were four people. Two loyal followers of Pervertable Tongues, Elizabeth and Monica, and that Meant-to-Be Couple. (I’d like to address the lack of audience, but that’s for another time.)

PJ Man and Cloudy Skirt Girl had been drinking half-priced band beer all night. By midnight they were completely obliterated. It was around song number 4 that PJ Man decided to come to the front of the stage. It was song number 5 when he started yelling obnoxiously about rock and roll. Cloudy Skirt Girl soon joined in and they began heckling together. Telling Ryan he needed to play “more rock and roll” and calling me “Sequin Girl” and “Mermaid Girl” and informing us that we were “rock stars.”

They were really pissing me off. Which actually improved my growling. I felt compelled to change my lyrics while I was singing. Instead of “Nightmares can be a reality, you’re reality could just be a dream” I wanted to say “Nightmares can be a reality, you’re reality could be a guy in PJs” but I refrained. I REFRAINED DAMNIT.

The show ended. I stepped off the stage. Cloudy Skirt Girl then had the nerve to compliment me by saying, “I really like your dress, I couldn’t wear it because I don’t have big boobs or a big butt.”

A big butt? Excuse you. I have a generic white girl butt. Please, I am no J-Lo.

I walked away attempting to avoid them. I said goodbye to my loyal fans. Then, the Meant-to-Be Couple cornered me. Cloudy Skirt Girl continued on the big butt rampage. PJ Man continue drinking heavily. Both keep going on and on about my curves. Talking about how well I fill-out the dress. Talking about my monstrosity of a butt. Talking about her lack of va-va-voom voluptuousness. Eventually they mention their enjoyment of the band, eventually it comes up that I have interesting/amazing vocals. Eventually I find my way out of that horrendous conversation and back to my beer, where I belonged.