I can't see my fingers...Goose Island Tour

When I get drunk I like to do things that I normally wouldn’t do when I am sober because they’re too chill. Like listening to music without moving. Or just sitting looking out the window. I couldn’t do those things sober because I would think about all the other “important” things I needed to accomplish, for example, writing on my blog, which is what I’m doing now, as I’m drunk, which then makes me contemplate whether or not I am actually drunk because I am attempting to accomplish something. As any Frat boy would observe, I must not be drunk ENOUGH, for they do not feel obligated to turn on their rape machines (popped collars) and bother me. I’m drinking a PBR right now, this after an afternoon of the Goose Island Brew Tour, which included six different samples of beer plus my own stylish glass for only $5. We tried the popular 312, as well as a wit, a RyePA, a red, a porter and a stout.

I have to be honest. I’ve been on this tour before. In fact, I’ve been on it more than most people. Why? Because it’s $5 for 6 different types of beer and a glass… and it’s interesting. This time the tour guide attempted to be funny. And he was for the most part, but then the tour and the questions began to drag on when all I wanted to do was drink beer—hence the problem of beer tours—we all actually just want to drink the beer and would generally not care how it’s made unless you’re sitting right in front of us telling us the process while we drink it. In any other circumstance our feet get tired. Hence, why I generally like the Goose Island tour, the guides never talk too long.

This guide though, he tried to make it all fancy and shit by making us do all the things connoisseurs would do if they were sipping wine or whiskey or something. First we had to attempt to look through it in an attempt to see how clear it was; then we had to smell it over and over again, then we finally got to taste it, once to ‘clear our pallets” the second time to really take in all the flavors. Usually I have the nose of a bloodhound; scientists call this evolution, those with extreme smelling capabilities and low hair content are supposedly evolving faster than others (and since I have both skills I must be ahead of the pack) but after smelling a billion different scents and inhaling and imbibing too much alcohol it was hard to decipher what was supposed to be what. By the end we couldn’t see our fingers, which was either a sign that the beer was too thick or that we were.

I have to admit that I really enjoy the tour, but I feel that the food and beer menu is over-priced, which is how they lure people in to their chamber; tempt them with a tour, make them stay because the beer is so tempting. Rarhar. I wouldn’t not recommend the tour, I would just attempt to be less alcohol-tempted than I am and leave when the tour is over instead of staying for a beer or two or three…