The Art of Being an Alien

I didn’t write yesterday because I was being brainwashed by an alien from outer-space. She happened to be at the same art opening as me and introduced herself as Carla (not the most alien of alien names but whatever). Carla looked so much like a regular human that the only thing that gave it away was the fact that she had no fashion sense and she was short. Her hair was long and wavy; she was so skinny her dress fell off her bones. Carla was wearing a long white moo-moo style with little pink flowers on it—a dress you’d see in 1993 on a mother in the south sweeping her porch, but not this woman this woman was not from the south, she was not even a woman technically. She was from some planet lost in space ran by an alien known as Beap.

Carla was the incarnated soul of Cleopatra but she really just believed whole-heartedly in Beap and did no longer care to be associated with Cleopatra though she enjoyed talking about Caesar. On the planet ran by Beap the aliens and all the alien-like followers believed in Friendliness and Love. When Carla talked about Beap she changed her vocal pitch to sound like she was a 5 year old girl with a lisp, even though, according to her, she was 53. She would pronounce Beap like Bleap thus making the entire conversation difficult to decipher. Carla told Ryan and I that we were meant to get married. I told Ryan later, for an Alien, she didn’t really think outside of traditional values. Carla and I became BFFs in a matter of minutes. She started hugging me. I thought she was going to try to steal my soul. She began talking about her friend Henry (or somebody) who introduced her to Beap; Carla began wailing because she missed Henry so much; he had died of cancer. I suggested that Beap wasn’t a very good leader if it lets all its followers die, especially of cancer. Carla didn’t like that suggestion.

The best trait about Carla was that she needed Moon-juice to survive. In human speak Moon-juice is free alcohol, which is why we met at an art opening. Luckily, though since one cannot attend an art opening every day, she can also survive on PB & J. When she landed on Earth in Humboldt Park that’s what the people who found her feed her and thus it’s became her favorite Earth food. Carla said that I was beautiful and Ryan and I were meant to be together, even though we just met and we’re both scared, (perhaps in Alien terms 3 years is not a very long time) so even though she was from outer-space I agreed with her methods of friendliness and love and was happy to encounter an alien who believed in Beap rather than an alien that liked to probe peoples bottoms. So, as you can see, I was slightly entertained last night; luckily though, I don’t get brainwashed easily, if so I’d own a magic bullet and have started my own pyramid scheme.

Carla is performing tonight at some bar; I wasn’t really listening to her, but if you’re in Chicago and happen into a bar where a woman doesn’t quite seem like a woman, it’s probably Carla, follower of the Alien Beap.