Time. It slips by. And yet it can feel stagnate. Murky like a muggy gray summer day. I often wonder how I can already be 25. How influenced I am over the power of society to make me feel I must Do Do Do. That I should be constantly accomplishing something. IDK. Sometimes I feel as if I have done quite a bit, done enough to be proud of, and then I feel like I haven’t quite done enough. This particularly happens now, as I apply for jobs and have to make lists to prove that I am worthy, to sell my worth to others. Time. It is not just for money. Why do we make money to begin with? So we can experience joy with others without the pains of hunger or homelessness, with greater ease and access.
Lately I’ve been reflecting on my time in Chicago. It really has been three years and yet three years seems to go much faster now, than three years say in my grade school days. Though lately a day can feel like it’s going to go on forever. I guess I’ve been a bit depressed, which could be obvious by the lack of postings. A friend calls hers postpardimgraduation or postgradim depression or something like that. I mean, what really happens when the life that you’ve known for twenty some years is over, shifts, transforms into something else? Especially when the transformation, the transition seems to take longer than the twenty some years of familiarity.
I know it would help if I had a job. But I don’t. And since I’m moving in 16 days I can’t seem to start any new projects. I can't seem to even write anything. I have even had trouble reading. I am, what some may call, bored. I haven’t been bored in so long and to be quite honest I hate admitting it because there is a deep seated personal belief that no one should ever be "bored". But I am and I know I should just go with it, feel it, let it flow and go out of me so I can move on. And to claim it, know that it is okay. But my goodness how awful it feels. And time, it just creeps by even though I know it's going by so fast. . .