Well. My time in Chicago is nearing its end and to be quite honest I am ready for it. It’s hard for me to write this blog because I feel it’s just going to be so negative but I have to get it out. This city sucks. Granted I know I am going to miss particular people and I am sad to leave them but I am in no way upset that I am getting the fuck out of this place. It just was not right for me in any way.
Saturday I had plans to go to the beach. Friday a massive storm came in and by noon thirty the next day an electric pole near our apartment had fallen over causing the entire 4 block grid to lose power. There were still looming gray clouds in the sky. And the weather channel said it was going to rain off and on the entire day, though it didn’t. It wouldn’t have mattered anyway because the rain had caused major sewage leakage and the lake was again filled with e-coli and who knows what other types of damaging bacteria and infectious diseases. This exemplifies my time here. Original plans never actually happening. People claiming to come to things then changing their minds last minute or just completely ignoring the invitation to begin with. No spontaneity—everything here must be planned planned planned. And in the end, it doesn’t matter because the plans always have to be rearranged. Expectations are rarely met. And there are so many creepy, smelly, cracked out people here that I am so happy for the day when I can walk down a sidewalk somewhere and not have to encounter the strangeness that are the strangers in Chicago.
I feel really bad writing this by the way, since there are 3 million people in the city and I know that they don’t all suck. And I know the city has some positive elements to it, though at this point it’s hard for me to see them. I don’t know what I’ll actually miss. I guess I will discover that upon leaving and going somewhere new.
What I have learned though is what I don’t want and sometimes that can be more powerful of a discovery than getting what one needs.
I don’t want to over-plan every day. I don’t want to surround myself with negativity. I don’t want to live so far apart from my friends. I don’t want to hang out in my apartment because I’m too frugal to go out and do anything or I can’t find anyone to do anything with. I don’t want to have to deal with crazies on a regular basis. I don’t want to miss the stars or the sunset because buildings and lights are in the way.
I know, I did earn two masters degrees here, I did record an album, play live shows, start an arts organization etc. but these are things I DID. On an every day basis it was not so grand. Most of the time I was lonely, depressed, and sad. Trying daily to figure out what I was doing wrong, why everything always felt off balance. I was in the wrong place is all. And now I am moving on and re-centering. Rediscovering. Starting over, yet again.
I thank those people who have had a major impact on my existence in Chicago, some will be greatly missed and some I am happy to never have to see again. Goodbye and good riddance Chicago. Good luck with your e-coli, your even crappier economy and your corrupt politics.
I know it hurts to say goodbye, but it's time for me to fly.
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