Awh Shheeeeet. What's Happen' To Me? Giddy Up.

I remember this moment in sixth grade, walking through the halls with my friends after this study came out stating that like 60% of our school picked country music as their favorite kind of music and I turned to my friend and said, "I hope I never turn into a lame-ass and like country."

Well. This is hard to admit. But today, I succumb. I am now a lame-ass old woman who enjoys the twang. But, it's only one very specific album--okay, and Faith Hill's This Kiss (BFF will call me out if I don't say it now) so I'm questioning whether or not I should break-down and accept country in my life or just think of it as a fluke?

Perhaps, you can take a listen and tell me what you think?

Why I Don't Want To Have Babies: Round 37,027

As many of you loyal readers already know, I have a very strong lack of desire to have babies. Much of it stems from an irrational fear of the physical act itself--though I am aware that women everywhere have been doing it forever. Still the thought of something so large and so alive coming out of my body really freaks me out.

But I realized the other night that it's more than the physical. The underlying reason is that I don't want to be solely responsible for the upbringing of another human being; even if the father was around and there were two of us--that's not enough. The only way I'd EVER consider pushing one out is if I lived in an close-knit strong loving community of like-minded folks who worked collectively on the development of all people--children and adults--living in the space.

Our current society is constructed around the individual family unit and I do not feel that sort-of boxed in lifestyle is conducive to who I am and who I want to be.

The stereotypical "commune" is not what I'm looking for. Honestly, I think very few people of our generation are looking for that--but it's closer in model than what we have now.

For one thing, there has to be some sort of merging of the environmental necessities--being connected to the earth and each other physically, you know gardening, taking walks, having face to face conversations, touching each other (this does not have to be a sexual thing, though that would obviously happen)--with technological advancements--connecting us to others globally via the internet etc. with space and time to create/play/party juxtaposed with maintenance and labor of the community itself.

If that could happen, then and only then would I consider reproducing. Technically though, if other people in the community are doing it then I wouldn't have to bother because I could help with their upbringing without physically going through the stresses of pregnancy.

I'd like to point out that after talking with a friend last night about this community concept (not in detail) it has become an even more far-fetched idea. It doesn't work to run-away in some sort of escapism/avoidance tacit just for personal well-being; we're all connected to what's happening to our earth. So, as an example, he elucidated, if toxins are being dumped into the water supply those toxins will flow eventually into "happy time community-ville" and we'd all die of cancer/weird diseases too--along with everyone else.

I don't know, maybe there is some sort of compromise that could be made--like the community isn't actually escaping just banding together for the "greater good" and living a lifestyle they envision everyone leading eventually, yet at the same time working to end the atrocities that are happening every day on this earth.

Yes!?! Who's with me?

My Adventures in Online Dating: Round 1.

So, I've gone on two OKC dates since I began my online adventures a month ago. I'm a little weirded out.

Both guys have been like 6"4. Hairy chested spunky characters. But I think what weirds me out the most is that both have perfectly manicured apartments, brightly painted colorful walls with really terrible art. But nice. Like, metrosexual nice.

Is this a thing guys in their 30s are doing?

I have rarely dated older guys. They're usually not my type. But I've decided to expand my horizons and give non-typical-types a shot. I think if I keep this up I could become an art dealer. I could just go into these 30-somethings apartments and be like, nope, this shit is ugly, I'm going to hook you up with an original ________; I'd hire an MFA student to paint something, and then take a percentage; it would work out for everyone. (Yes, this is actually a pretty good idea--don't even think about thief-ing it.)

Anyway. I've also been having regular conversations with dudes on OKC to sort of even out all of the really bad ones--an ok-karma game, if it worked that way. I've even had a conversation with this dude whose grammar is so bad he doesn't even use the correct words in sentences. But I've kept talking to him without being an asshole... because I'm trying to give guys a better shot. Though first impressions--even online--are generally pretty accurate.

Finally, I've been sort of seeing this guy, a guy that I did not meet on OKC but found his profile on there like a week later--so it sort of connects to my OKC life. I don't really know what to think of him. He's been acting rather dooode-ish lately. Ya ladies know whatimatalkin bout. video games. enough said. And I just need way more attention. I don't think people understand the amount of attention that is required in keeping my interest piqued. It's really a ridiculous amount. If I could I'd scale it down, but I can't so I get it however I can. If you want to get with this there has to be at least some sort of effort. I don't think that's too much to ask.

So, there you have it. My current adventures in online dating.

I think when I move to Denver I'm going to try to go on a different OKC date every night for a week. I can just imagine the stories now. I will, of course, blog daily about it, just for you dear reader, just for you.

Post Break-Up Update. News + Drama + Top 20 List.

I think this could be the messiest my life has ever been. But, in regards to messes, I've seen others that have been much worse (*cough* gossip girl). Thus, I don't want to complain because I know it's all going to work out. The major problem is that I am not comfortable being in the in-between. The space of unanswered questions, where I seem to be waiting, wondering, wandering, basically floating.

I've never been a floater.

Here's the story in case you've been out of town. . . when my ex and I broke up, the founder of the non-profit I work for offered her home to me to live and work in--I accepted as it worked out best for both of us--I got away from the toxic "ex" space and she got to live with me... or better yet she no longer had to pay me a salary as I got paid in room and board.

All of this was fine and dandy until OK Cupid came into our lives.

(Can I just say OK Cupid has created a lot of recent drama in my life.)

She fell in love.

Fast.

I am not one to judge the speed at which others fall in love--though I will admit to being rather bitter about "love" right now anyway, considering--but now, she is moving out of the house we were roomies in and into his house.

Leaving me in purgatory.

I don't know how long I can stay or where I should go when I am forced to leave.

So.

I quit roller derby.

I know, it's sad. I only made it to three practices, which just goes to show my commitment level to life right now is just not very high. Probably because my number one priority is not playing a game, but figuring out my reality.

Instead of actually sitting down and figuring out my reality I've been choosing distraction, usually in the form of food and television. I'm pretty sure I've finally gained back all the weight I lost during the break-up, which is rather sad considering I could fit into skinny jeans rather well. (I'll fast after the holiday.)

Anyhoo, so at this point in my life I could essentially go anywhere and do (almost) anything. This has never happened. I have always had a plan. Life without a plan is frightening. Debilitating. Long and short at the same time.

Here are some of my options:

1) Move to Denver and stay working for the non-profit/ find a supplemental job.

2) Move somewhere in Boulder and keep on keeping on.

3) Search the entire country for new jobs and move to one of those.

4) Put all my shit in storage and couch-surf around the country.

5) Move to South America.

6) Find a sugar daddy (mommy).

7) Occupy

8) No, mom, I will not move back in with you.

9) Find a witch and have her turn me into a cat.

10) Find a witch and have her put a wealth spell on me so I win the lottery (yeah, even if I don't buy a ticket)

11) Buy a lottery ticket.

12) Find someone driving somewhere, catch a ride and disappear.

13) Rent a room from someone.

14) Eat more pie.

15) Start doing lots of drugs.

16) Become a prostitute.

17) Ride a horse off into the sunset.

18) Find a psychic and have her tell me what's in store.

19) Pretend I have some sort of addiction and go to rehab.

20) Jump trains for days.

10 Random Thoughts: Fortunes, Occupy, and the Dating Life.

1) The other day I got a fortune cookie (that I could actually eat), it read, "No one is standing in your way anymore, time to moving forward." Besides the hilarious grammar issues, I hadn't before realized that indeed someone was standing in my way. I've never in my life had a fortune cookie that was literally significant. I'm afraid I may be reading into things too much now. Or maybe I want to believe in something magical.

2) What exactly could moving forward look like? It could look like anything. I think that's why I haven't moved very far. When there are too many choices it becomes debilitating. Maybe that's a subconscious reason why I'm vegan, less options makes life easier more often.

3) I bought a livingsocial coupon, $50 for a truck, 3 months storage unit space AND Avalanche tickets--not sure why they were giving away Avalanche tickets, but at least now I have a back-up if I want to escape Boulder and become a professional couch surfer. After I watch a professional hockey game, of course.

4) We all want to live in a better world, but few people are actually willing to make the sacrifices--time, energy, effort, to make this happen. So much apathy. So much, "oh, I totally am behind what the Occupy people are doing," though they're never like literally behind them. Standing there.

5) I’ll tell you why I’m an (Occupy) hypocrite. I’ve been to a few of the events and I find them tiring. It’s still full of white guys blabbing their mouths off and no one stopping them as they keep saying stupid shit. Working within the same paradigm will only create the same problems. We need a complete shift and this happens with consciousness, a change in thinking that takes over an entire population. This mean letting new voices speak up, voices that don’t get a platform very often, if ever. Occupy gives us the opportunity to have dialogue with people on these issues of intersecting oppressions (class, race, gender, etc) again and again, and it’s within this dialogue that shifts will happen. The symbolism of an occupation is helpful, but it comes down to being able to influence change through conversation, enthusiasm, and literal solutions. (This is obviously coming from my standpoint in Boulder, CO, I’m sure the atmosphere is different in different parts of the country)

6) I am not an expert on social change... just a Master. Bah. That’s so pretentious. I welcome full arguments on this topic.

7) Ok Cupid is driving me nuts. Luckily my message level has decreased. But I haven’t replied to any one, good or bad, for like ever. The “hi how you doin” messages are getting really old. And all the guys are starting to look the same. The appeal is over. Though I never had plans to fall in love I had thought I could meet some cool people to hang out with. I guess I’ll leave that to real life.

8) Yesterday I had several people ask me if I had gotten a haircut, or complimented my “new” hair cut. What’s weird about this? I haven’t cut my hair in months. In fact, it’s grown out, A LOT, which must be what it was. Also, I hadn’t combed it. I just ran my fingers through it so it sort of just stood on top of my head. It’s like the best hair ever... I don’t do anything with it. Should have pixie-ed it years ago. (yay to lazyvainness)

9) I think I need to go to coffee shops more often. I actually get things done. Must be the collective work mode we’re all in. When I drink coffee at home I just go ADD about everything and hop from one project, thought, tv show, song, to another. Then my day is gone. It’s annoying. I guess it’s worth paying the extra money if that means I accomplish and finish projects.

10) Today I will do something creative, visual art, music, something. Hold me to it. If I don’t I’ll cover my body in dead leaves and let the worms eat me (maybe I’ll film it and that will be my art project).

Which Way is Which Way?

I did not punch anyone in the face last night. I didn't punch anyone anywhere except with my brain power.

Okay, not really my brain power, but our trivia-table's collective brain power. For only three of us, we did pretty freakin good. My contributing efforts consisted of motivating my friends to dig deep within their minds to come up with the answers, and then when they did, I happily "chugged" the beer that came with winning. It was really important because I was not the designated driver and it was what I happen to excel in--though I never actually "chugged" it, I sipped it and took it back to my table to have through the next round (b/c I'm smart and cheap).

But who cares.

The point is I didn't punch anyone.

And I think I really should have, because this morning I'm slightly depressed. No, I won't blame it on the depressants that I have been over-consuming. I know where it's coming from and I find it irritating, but there is nothing I can do right now except let it pass through.

I guess it's nice knowing it's going to pass as opposed to thinking I could feel like this forever, that would only make it more depressing.

I just need comfort food and direction.

I seriously would be okay with someone else taking charge of my life, even if it's just for a day. Any takers?

Why Don't More Women Get in Bar Fights (with men)?

So tonight I'm going to get in my First Ever Bar Fight!!!!!

This is weird. I am aware that people don't typically "plan" bar fights, but the truth of the matter is, I think my testosterone is out of whack--all I've wanted to do lately is either have sex or punch things...And I haven't been punching many things. So. Yeah. I thought I'd test it out.

Getting off birth control is crazy time. I'm pretty sure my body is just entirely confused. As I am no longer "pregnant" every month. I think it's a really fucked up thing to do to one's body over and over again for almost ten years, it could not have been healthy--though in my defense having a child would have been even more unhealthy--particularly for the child.

But anyway, yeah. I have never punched anyone before. One time though, a girl punched me in the forehead--I only slightly deserved it--the forehead was a terrible choice. I will not punch anyone in the forehead. I'm thinking right side jawbone.

I'm doing this in pure defense of my own honor.

Okay. I probably won't do it at all. I don't have it in me to hurt other people just because they're assholes. Cuz if I got punched every time I acted like an asshole... well. Yeah. I think I'd be pretty freaking deformed by now.

But the idea just sounds so, I don't know, exhilarating. Probably because it's the opposite of who I am... and maybe I need to be my opposite for a bit. Allow my evil side to escape, so it gets out and away from me?

I'll keep you all informed. I may need you to bail me out!