Sometimes I think I may be too open with people. I think this blog may be a perfect example of this problem. Why I feel the need to say everything I'm thinking; or tell people I just met the entire truth of my past relationships I have no idea. A part of me is like, they should know everything so they don't think I'm a liar or secretive or something. But maybe they don't need to know everything all at once. Which is sort of my problem. I like everyone to know everything. I can't keep secrets about myself, though I'm really good at keeping other people's secrets.
And yet at the same time I feel that most people have absolutely no idea what I'm really doing with my day, with my dates, with my life. But that's okay because I have no idea what they're doing with their day, their dates, their lives. So. I guess this argument with myself is pointless.
Perhaps what's really going on is that I'm keeping secrets about myself from myself and this blog and me blabbing to everyone is a way for me to hide from myself about those secrets.
Inside I'm just a scared, guilty, sad little girl who never feels good enough, thin enough, smart enough, fun enough--no matter how many people tell me otherwise. No matter how much I tell myself otherwise. No matter how much I want to be an empowered feminist who loves her body and her mind and her soul, the truth is I got some issues. And I feel the more I talk, the more I write, the more I say, the sooner they will go away.
Though I've been writing and talking a lot lately and nothings really changed. . .
I wonder if the opposite would work better?
In my humblest of opinions, I think you expressing your ideas/thoughts/whatever helps you connect with people. It also probably roots out those who you cannot connect with. It's not necessarily a bad thing to have someone share everything. It breaks down any boundaries one might put up because they think you're holding something back. On the other hand, if it makes YOU uncomfortable then reign it in a bit. Either way, I enjoy your writing/thoughts/opinions/questions and hope you continue to express them. It's nice to connect in a way with someone through joy/anger/indifference on various topics.
ReplyDeleteI know in person, though, you tend to be somewhat quiet at first. Feelin' out the situation. It's only later that you seem to let your hair down a bit. At least that's how I remember you in college.
Let your middle fingers fly at the world and keep your rhythm goin'.
Whether you're keeping secrets or not, I think I've been able to see what's going on with you (well, whenever I've had net access anyway). That's probably the most honest, open thing you could possibly write.
ReplyDeleteI doubt writing or not writing will make any difference with what you're going through. Maybe it's just a process that has no shortcuts, that has to work itself out. Getting frustrated at the writing is like getting frustrated at the cough drops that aren't curing your flu. On the other hand, I'd never say it's a bad idea to examine the things you're doing to try and see if they're the right things.
Anyway, here's a hug from afar. Keep on taking care.