Caring Will Kill You.

Or at least give you a life time of panic attacks.

Yesterday I woke up in a good mood. I can't tell you exactly what caused this good mood, but I can tell you it's a rarity and that it didn't last very long.

In fact, I did a complete 180 by the evening.

I went to this organic eco-friendly food allergy baking contest in the afternoon and heard the Erin Brochovich of the food industry talk about how each and every one of us has the power to make positive change.

And that was all well and good. Whatever. Great. But then I went home and thought about all the things that I want to change.

All of things that I need and want to do.

And that's when I decided to become a nihilist.

Nihilism is the belief that all values are baseless and that nothing can be known or communicated. It is often associated with extreme pessimism and a radical skepticism that condemns existence.

I, of course, ran into two arguments almost immediately upon my declaration as a nihilist.

1) I do this every January.

2) It seems boring.

To counter.

1) I believe I do it more than just in January, it waxes and wanes like the moon.

2) Really? Boring? Content, maybe. Or calm. Perhaps a little boring, but nihilism would save me a lot of energy.

Obviously if I was a pure nihilist I wouldn't be writing right now, because I wouldn't care. But, I want to dig deeper into why I feel this way. What makes me want to give up? Not care? Believe in nothing?

Maybe I don't believe what the Erin Brochovich of the food industry says about each one of us being able to make a lasting impact. Perhaps I'm beginning to see that idea as part of the "boot strap mentality"--where anyone who works hard enough and tries hard enough will be successful....

We can all see that that isn't true--if that were true they wouldn't have movies out there with that one poor or black or homeless individual who beat all the odds and becomes famous or rich or happy--because if everyone could beat all the odds, then there wouldn't be odds. There would just be people working hard and actually getting what they deserve; now that's just crazy talk.

I don't think that nihilism is too far of a stretch away from feminism. At least radical feminism, because the radicals want to start over from scratch, they don't want to try to fix what's already broken--they want to annihilate the system. Anarchy. Punk mentality. A tropical Herland.

Maybe feminists just need better marketers. Why are we still always on the defense? Why do I feel like I constantly have to stand-up for my beliefs? Pardon me for not wanting people to be oppressed. My bad. I guess I'm in the wrong here.

All I know is that it gets old. Really fucking old. And this shit has been going on for centuries. So why not just give up, forget about it, move on with my life, become a stripper, eat KFC, read romance novels, marry a man for his money, go shopping every day, drink martinis every night.

Who the fuck cares?

Is there anything I can really truly do anyway?

Sometimes I dream about moving out to the country, growing my own garden, living off the land, internet/tv free, just reading classic novels, painting, listening to good music, dancing. But then I hear or see something that really pisses me off and I just can't stand it, I can't handle not doing or saying something about it.

But does it do any good in the long run?

That's all I can hope for. And as long as I have a slight glimmer of hope I suppose I can't be a nihilist entirely.

But I would like the occasional week off.

Or you know, people to quit being asshole misogynist oppressors. I'd much prefer that then a vacation.

The Search is Over: The Art of Just Being.

People love to complain about the place they are in.

No matter where I go there are people where I am who want to be some where else.

I don’t get it.

I especially don’t get it when we’re in some place like Boulder, with its spectacular mountains, clean crisp air and beautiful people. I mean, really, how often are you going to be able to go to a city where everyone is fit, and more often then not intelligent?

So, why do we do this?

I understand that this community is not perfect, but the three main complaints I hear are:

1) There are only white people here.

2) There aren't enough restaurants open late enough.

3) The art scene sucks.

Those really aren't that bad of things. All of those things could easily be improved upon. It's not like some cities with their massive poverty, hunger, disease, pollution. . .

All places can be improved upon, no place is truly paradise.

But, perhaps it could be if we all changed our perceptions of what paradise is supposed to be like.

I think not liking where we are has more to do with our conceptions of time. We’re brought up to think that we must constantly be achieving, that we must progress on a daily basis, that we must always have a project, always have a goal. This creates the idea that where we are physically isn’t good enough, because nothing can ever be good enough. There will always be something better out there. Somewhere better to be.

Personally, I don’t want to go through life always looking and yearning to be elsewhere. Sure I want to travel; but when I travel I don’t want to be thinking about the next place I get to travel to. I want to enjoy the scenery for what it is and the people for who they are.

I can admit that I didn’t enjoy my time and place in Chicago as much as I could have. I really should have just accepted all the negative aspects for what they were, made the best of them, and truly loved what I was surrounded with.

.

But all I can do is improve upon that now. "Be" where I am. And not constantly think about where I'm going and how it's going to be better once I get there.

To be. Not to be some place else.

I'd Rather Be a Social Animal Than a Boring Human.

In a recent New Yorker there was a really great article called “Social Animal,” which talked about the exact opposite of the struggle I’ve been having recently (see Trivial Concerns blog).

The article discusses the idea of the “composure class” and how we all are so focused on “getting there” that we become really terrible about developing skills we actually need to be “happy.”

Brooks writes,

“The traits that do make a difference are poorly understood, and can’t be taught in a classroom, no matter what the tuition: the ability to understand and inspire people; to read situations and discern the underlying patterns; to build trusting relationships; to recognize and correct one’s shortcomings; to imagine alternate futures.”

I found this really interesting considering lately I’ve been upset at the idea of not being able to retain facts. Or ever win Jeopardy.

But, I understand people so I guess my life isn't a total waste.

According to the article, after much scientific research, what happiness comes down to is the ability to connect with others, which I believe to be absolutely true (unless the people you're hanging around are complete assholes).

And I’ve always felt this way. The things I look forward to are being with friends (or close family), having interesting conversation, laughing, enjoying other’s company.

Sharing my life.

I'm pretty sure I'm not writing a revelation here.

But, also I'm concerned-- I feel that this is also where a major disconnect is being created due to social networks.

Being online is not the same as being with real live breathing conversing people.

Having a face to face conversation with a friend is completely different than seeing what my friend recently wrote as a status update. Yes, in a round about way, I know what's happening in my friend's life, but there is no real connection being made.

Just like doing everything possible to get into the perfect college and get the perfect job etc. doesn't mean anything unless there are people around you that support, challenge, and love you. But we all sort of knew this all already right?

So why do many of us often freak out when we're in a social situation having fun...we feel guilty because we're not doing anything productive...but are, we're actually being very productive...we're creating space for happiness and growth.

We're learning without feeling like we're being taught.

We're enjoying life.

And why feel guilt about that?

9 out of 10 People are Totally and Completely Disgusting.

Tuesday night we went to the Catacombs for trivia. The guy who reads the questions is also the guy who has to tally all the answers at the end of the rounds. That being said, it takes awhile. So, while we waited he told the teams to write a joke on the back of the sheet for the next round, whoever had the funniest joke would win drink tickets.

Yes, I know we're at a bar and I am aware people at bars tell lewd jokes. But the winning joke: 9 out of 10 people think gang rape is funny, was seriously voted for by like 9 out of 10 people at the bar.

Everyone who was not sitting at my table thinks gang rape is funny.

What. the. fuck.

Then a woman yelled, "gang rape, wins every time." Followed by a walloping laugh.

Am I missing something?

According to RAINN statistics every 2 minutes someone is sexually assaulted. That means, in the time we were playing trivia 90 people were assaulted in some way.

90 people.

Pardon me for having the sense not to find this humorous.

I don't think this is a topic that should be taken lightly.

But I also have no idea how to handle a situation like this when it happens. I am in such shock at the absurdity I can never believe it's actually occurring. What would have been the best way to handle it when everyone in the bar would have been against me?

1) Go up, steal the mic and tell them all what pieces of shit they are.

2) Leave (though no one would have understood or cared why).

3) Take them all down at trivia and show them how smart people do it (attempted but failed).

4) Punch the nearest rapist in the face.

5) Yell.

I have no clue. We should have gotten training for how to survive the real world as feminists. Theory is great and all, but it really doesn't help in these situations.

All I know is 9 out of 10 people have no clue and it really really bothers me.

Where Have All the Typewriters Gone...ohwa?

Writers with typewriters had it so much easier.

Sure they had to change the paper. But that paper was valued. It couldn’t just go on continuously. So everything they wrote had to mean something. They couldn’t just go efngknvk rdkgnogklvnsnk esgkngldk vsd, on their keyboard like I seem to like to do when I’m writing on mine.

Yes. Writers with typewriters had it so much better.

All they had was a typewriter. All that it did was type letters. That was it’s only function. The typewriter had no connection to anything else. Whereas I can simple minimize my Word document and viola’ access to all of my friends and family via facebook and gmail.

Annie Dillard’s writing life was easy compared to this torture. A click a way I have access to complete and total distraction.

If I had a typewriter the only distraction I’d have is what’s happening outside my window. Or the dirty dishes in the sink. Or an empty stomach that needed fed. But I have all of those distractions, PLUS the distractions of the world wide web. Of photobooth, of garage band, of solitaire. Oh solitaire how you remind me of my lonely existence as a writer.

Oh but wait. I’ll just click on this other window where I can talk to any number of friends who are available to chat at any time. And thus, solitaire, you no longer represent me.

Writers with typewriters had much more fulfilling lives, because when they needed a bit of information they’d have to go to the library, or call someone. But thanks to Wikipedia I can have all the facts in the world without ever really having to learn anything.

The writing life is so much different these days. So many people are doing it. Blogs galore. Which in a way is great, but in a way it makes it harder to find what’s good or what’s valuable or even valid. I guess all of that depends on the reader anyway. And at least there are still people reading.

But alas I wouldn't really want a typewriter because they're loud and messy and big and I'd have to use a lot (literally, probably an entire lot) of white-out because I can't spell very well. And now I have spell check. So there's that.

I just wish I could use my computer as if it were a typewriter. I just want to quit opening other windows. Because there is nothing worse then sitting down to write and window shopping instead. Who knows if I'll ever get anything of any longish length written.

As they say in AA, one day at a time.

Or in my case, a better motto would be, one window at a time.

Trivial Concerns.

Today, I, for some reason, got this really big urge to watch all the movies I have already seen and to read all the books that are already sitting on my shelf. I guess I’m riding nostalgia. I know that I like them and I want something I like. It could be the cold cold weather and me just wanting things that are comfortable. Like my warm gray pants and thick thick sweaters and blankets galore.

Speaking of blankets. It’s probably a good thing I don’t own a snuggie because I think I’d wear it around instead of real clothes. I mean, what better way to be comfortable than to just have on a blanket. Keep warm but stay loose.

Now this is not a hint that I want a snuggie because I do not. Well, I might, but Ryan would immediately destroy it so there is really no point.

I think another reason I had this strange urge to re-watch/re-read everything is because I feel like I can’t keep it all in. Like I keep forgetting…or maybe it wasn’t really ever there to begin with. Once I started reading a book that I had already read before and I didn’t realize it until like the third chapter. I think sometimes I rush, especially when I’m reading because I not only want to know what happens but I have this strange obsession with numbers and finishing things. Example: when I’m on the treadmill I have to have even numbers before I can quit…like I can’t quit on 1.7 miles…I have to do 2 miles. Or I can’t end on 227 calories burned, it has to be like 250. And this continues on the treadmill until I get so tired that I am forced to pick between the miles or the calories being even and being done with it.

Needless to say, I don’t often run on treadmills because of this.

But back to this brain issue.

It never really was an issue until recently. Until trivia at the bar—and I realized my mind doesn’t work in basic facts. I can’t name drop people or places or things. I am not a nouner.

Nouners: people who drop nouns like they’re hot (the nouns and also themselves).

Then I realized, I suck at crossword puzzles and when Jeopardy is on, I only get like 1/3 of the questions. I have really begun to question my intellectual capacity. Where are all the facts? Is it just that the facts I know are different from the facts being asked on a regular basis? Yes. I can get the feminist questions because they’re generic…but put me in a feminist-only quiz bowl game and I would get my ass handed to me.

Quiz bowl. That was another thing. I thought it would be fun in high school to try out the quiz bowl team. I sucked. Luckily there were those Big Bang Theory-like dudes on my team who answered like every single question—sometimes before the questions were even done being asked. I generally just sat there and distracted the other Big Bang Theory-like dudes by staring at them (as I don’t think many girls had ever looked at them before).

So, I’ve decided I’m going to work on filling up my brain with more facts. When a movie comes out I’ll remember the director’s name. When I read a book I’ll memorize every f’in line. When a war begins or a war ends I’ll remember those dates. When a pop song comes on the air I’ll know who it’s by. I will eventually become the most badass trivia player of all time. I’ll go on Jeopardy or Who Wants to be a Millionaire and I’ll rake it in.

Make room brain. There is a lot of information coming your way. Super Human Computer.

Now that's a cyborg, Miss. Donna Haraway.

The Good, The Bad, and The Solutions for my 2011.

Though I do not particularly care to make “new year resolutions” I do find it important to reflect on the past year and see what areas need improvement. And because I know immediately that one of my biggest issues is negativity for everything that needs improvement I’ll write another thing I’ve done pretty well.

The Bad

Focus (or lack there of)

I think this is becoming a bigger and bigger issue for people. With the ability to click click click on the internet without ever really settling in to read a longish article, or the ability to see what a friend is doing without calling them, or even asking them; plus the fact that I personally want to accomplish so many things that I end up getting overwhelmed and just watching Netflix because I can’t decide, or the projects are too big, or the ideas aren’t solid enough.

The Solution

Meditation.

I am mixed on this practice but I’m going to give in a try and see if it helps. I don’t think it’s going to hurt anything.

The Good

Go-Getting

I’m pretty happy with the fact that once I moved to Boulder I didn’t just sit and sulk in my apartment. I went out right away and volunteered for different organizations, and I started an internship almost immediately after getting here, which has, for the most part, been a very positive experience—plus I’ve met some really amazing people and I can’t complain about that.

The Bad

Miss Judgmental

I think I could be a really great comedian…but I’m not. That being said I should really cut back on the judging. Mainly I judge strangers, so no one is really harmed, as they have no idea what I’m even saying about them, but I am putting negativity into the world by being mean. And I’m sure most people around me laugh only because they don’t want to become the person I make fun of. In other words, I can be a mega-bitch. It must be my low-self esteem masked by an appearance of extreme egotism.

The Solution

Polite Commentary

I know, it’s boring to be nice and the golden rule is about as fun as golden showers but just like I’m doing this post, with every mean thing I say about someone I have to counter that with something nice, or positive, preferably saying the positive thing first, and the negative thing not at all, but this is going to take some work.

The Good

elephant journal writing

I feel that by writing feminist/LGTBQ articles etc. on elephant journal specifically, I am able to get those ideas out to people who don’t already completely think that way already, unlike sites like Jezebel, Bitch, Bust…. who already have a mainly feminist following, I think writing about these sort of topics on a more general site is quite powerful and makes me feel that my voice is being heard—and maybe even sometimes listened to. Yay!

The Bad

Confidence

Many people think I’m a badass. Well, here’s a shocker for you all. I am not.

Well, I am, actually, but I could be EVEN more of a badass if I believed in myself and my ideas more. I often keep silent because we, Women and Gender studies graduates have learned to “pick our battles,” and honestly I don’t think I pick to get into enough.

The Solution

More Heated Debates

I honestly feel frightened that I’m going to be labeled the “token feminist,” the annoying one who “won’t let anything go,” the person people are going to be afraid to talk around, but you know, if people are afraid they’ll say something wrong around a feminist, then perhaps they shouldn’t be talking. I mean fuck them. They obviously know that what they’re saying is misogynistic, or sexist, or gender stereotyping—they’re the ones who should feel bad, not me.

So—instead of “picking my battles,” I’m just going to fucking battle. Which means I’m going to need a lot of coffee and a lot of back-up. I must prepare to fight—if I want anything to change I can’t keep quiet and let people continue to be assholes. Just because I’m afraid I’ll “hurt their feelings,” or perhaps more afraid that I won’t win my argument. I'm not here to "shove my beliefs down everyone's throats," but I am here to defend them and I'm not going to back off just because people love to bring other people down (particularly people love to degrade and humiliate feminists because it's common protocol in the U.S.) excuse us for wanting to end oppression. (I'll go into more of this tomorrow).

The Good

Brutal Honesty

So it doesn't work out so well in the judgmental category, but it works well when I turn that honesty inward (and I hope, when I turn on my battle fights).

The fact that I am capable of understanding my flaws, exposing them, and also having the willingness to work on them is pretty good.

Alright. Well. I think that's plenty to work on. We shall see how well I improve myself this year.

Cheers to 2011.

I'm happy to be back.