Post Break-Up Update. News + Drama + Top 20 List.

I think this could be the messiest my life has ever been. But, in regards to messes, I've seen others that have been much worse (*cough* gossip girl). Thus, I don't want to complain because I know it's all going to work out. The major problem is that I am not comfortable being in the in-between. The space of unanswered questions, where I seem to be waiting, wondering, wandering, basically floating.

I've never been a floater.

Here's the story in case you've been out of town. . . when my ex and I broke up, the founder of the non-profit I work for offered her home to me to live and work in--I accepted as it worked out best for both of us--I got away from the toxic "ex" space and she got to live with me... or better yet she no longer had to pay me a salary as I got paid in room and board.

All of this was fine and dandy until OK Cupid came into our lives.

(Can I just say OK Cupid has created a lot of recent drama in my life.)

She fell in love.

Fast.

I am not one to judge the speed at which others fall in love--though I will admit to being rather bitter about "love" right now anyway, considering--but now, she is moving out of the house we were roomies in and into his house.

Leaving me in purgatory.

I don't know how long I can stay or where I should go when I am forced to leave.

So.

I quit roller derby.

I know, it's sad. I only made it to three practices, which just goes to show my commitment level to life right now is just not very high. Probably because my number one priority is not playing a game, but figuring out my reality.

Instead of actually sitting down and figuring out my reality I've been choosing distraction, usually in the form of food and television. I'm pretty sure I've finally gained back all the weight I lost during the break-up, which is rather sad considering I could fit into skinny jeans rather well. (I'll fast after the holiday.)

Anyhoo, so at this point in my life I could essentially go anywhere and do (almost) anything. This has never happened. I have always had a plan. Life without a plan is frightening. Debilitating. Long and short at the same time.

Here are some of my options:

1) Move to Denver and stay working for the non-profit/ find a supplemental job.

2) Move somewhere in Boulder and keep on keeping on.

3) Search the entire country for new jobs and move to one of those.

4) Put all my shit in storage and couch-surf around the country.

5) Move to South America.

6) Find a sugar daddy (mommy).

7) Occupy

8) No, mom, I will not move back in with you.

9) Find a witch and have her turn me into a cat.

10) Find a witch and have her put a wealth spell on me so I win the lottery (yeah, even if I don't buy a ticket)

11) Buy a lottery ticket.

12) Find someone driving somewhere, catch a ride and disappear.

13) Rent a room from someone.

14) Eat more pie.

15) Start doing lots of drugs.

16) Become a prostitute.

17) Ride a horse off into the sunset.

18) Find a psychic and have her tell me what's in store.

19) Pretend I have some sort of addiction and go to rehab.

20) Jump trains for days.

10 Random Thoughts: Fortunes, Occupy, and the Dating Life.

1) The other day I got a fortune cookie (that I could actually eat), it read, "No one is standing in your way anymore, time to moving forward." Besides the hilarious grammar issues, I hadn't before realized that indeed someone was standing in my way. I've never in my life had a fortune cookie that was literally significant. I'm afraid I may be reading into things too much now. Or maybe I want to believe in something magical.

2) What exactly could moving forward look like? It could look like anything. I think that's why I haven't moved very far. When there are too many choices it becomes debilitating. Maybe that's a subconscious reason why I'm vegan, less options makes life easier more often.

3) I bought a livingsocial coupon, $50 for a truck, 3 months storage unit space AND Avalanche tickets--not sure why they were giving away Avalanche tickets, but at least now I have a back-up if I want to escape Boulder and become a professional couch surfer. After I watch a professional hockey game, of course.

4) We all want to live in a better world, but few people are actually willing to make the sacrifices--time, energy, effort, to make this happen. So much apathy. So much, "oh, I totally am behind what the Occupy people are doing," though they're never like literally behind them. Standing there.

5) I’ll tell you why I’m an (Occupy) hypocrite. I’ve been to a few of the events and I find them tiring. It’s still full of white guys blabbing their mouths off and no one stopping them as they keep saying stupid shit. Working within the same paradigm will only create the same problems. We need a complete shift and this happens with consciousness, a change in thinking that takes over an entire population. This mean letting new voices speak up, voices that don’t get a platform very often, if ever. Occupy gives us the opportunity to have dialogue with people on these issues of intersecting oppressions (class, race, gender, etc) again and again, and it’s within this dialogue that shifts will happen. The symbolism of an occupation is helpful, but it comes down to being able to influence change through conversation, enthusiasm, and literal solutions. (This is obviously coming from my standpoint in Boulder, CO, I’m sure the atmosphere is different in different parts of the country)

6) I am not an expert on social change... just a Master. Bah. That’s so pretentious. I welcome full arguments on this topic.

7) Ok Cupid is driving me nuts. Luckily my message level has decreased. But I haven’t replied to any one, good or bad, for like ever. The “hi how you doin” messages are getting really old. And all the guys are starting to look the same. The appeal is over. Though I never had plans to fall in love I had thought I could meet some cool people to hang out with. I guess I’ll leave that to real life.

8) Yesterday I had several people ask me if I had gotten a haircut, or complimented my “new” hair cut. What’s weird about this? I haven’t cut my hair in months. In fact, it’s grown out, A LOT, which must be what it was. Also, I hadn’t combed it. I just ran my fingers through it so it sort of just stood on top of my head. It’s like the best hair ever... I don’t do anything with it. Should have pixie-ed it years ago. (yay to lazyvainness)

9) I think I need to go to coffee shops more often. I actually get things done. Must be the collective work mode we’re all in. When I drink coffee at home I just go ADD about everything and hop from one project, thought, tv show, song, to another. Then my day is gone. It’s annoying. I guess it’s worth paying the extra money if that means I accomplish and finish projects.

10) Today I will do something creative, visual art, music, something. Hold me to it. If I don’t I’ll cover my body in dead leaves and let the worms eat me (maybe I’ll film it and that will be my art project).

Which Way is Which Way?

I did not punch anyone in the face last night. I didn't punch anyone anywhere except with my brain power.

Okay, not really my brain power, but our trivia-table's collective brain power. For only three of us, we did pretty freakin good. My contributing efforts consisted of motivating my friends to dig deep within their minds to come up with the answers, and then when they did, I happily "chugged" the beer that came with winning. It was really important because I was not the designated driver and it was what I happen to excel in--though I never actually "chugged" it, I sipped it and took it back to my table to have through the next round (b/c I'm smart and cheap).

But who cares.

The point is I didn't punch anyone.

And I think I really should have, because this morning I'm slightly depressed. No, I won't blame it on the depressants that I have been over-consuming. I know where it's coming from and I find it irritating, but there is nothing I can do right now except let it pass through.

I guess it's nice knowing it's going to pass as opposed to thinking I could feel like this forever, that would only make it more depressing.

I just need comfort food and direction.

I seriously would be okay with someone else taking charge of my life, even if it's just for a day. Any takers?

Why Don't More Women Get in Bar Fights (with men)?

So tonight I'm going to get in my First Ever Bar Fight!!!!!

This is weird. I am aware that people don't typically "plan" bar fights, but the truth of the matter is, I think my testosterone is out of whack--all I've wanted to do lately is either have sex or punch things...And I haven't been punching many things. So. Yeah. I thought I'd test it out.

Getting off birth control is crazy time. I'm pretty sure my body is just entirely confused. As I am no longer "pregnant" every month. I think it's a really fucked up thing to do to one's body over and over again for almost ten years, it could not have been healthy--though in my defense having a child would have been even more unhealthy--particularly for the child.

But anyway, yeah. I have never punched anyone before. One time though, a girl punched me in the forehead--I only slightly deserved it--the forehead was a terrible choice. I will not punch anyone in the forehead. I'm thinking right side jawbone.

I'm doing this in pure defense of my own honor.

Okay. I probably won't do it at all. I don't have it in me to hurt other people just because they're assholes. Cuz if I got punched every time I acted like an asshole... well. Yeah. I think I'd be pretty freaking deformed by now.

But the idea just sounds so, I don't know, exhilarating. Probably because it's the opposite of who I am... and maybe I need to be my opposite for a bit. Allow my evil side to escape, so it gets out and away from me?

I'll keep you all informed. I may need you to bail me out!

Whipped My Ass.

Yesterday was Day 3 of my Roller Derby training. No, I'm not playing games yet. And no, I probably won't be for some time.

Yesterday I did crash hardcore though...over and over again.

And my wheel flew off my skate--but no worries, I didn't die!

I didn't really even get hurt, though the first fall was epic and had me not just crash, but flip over myself. No bruises to prove it, which I find rather sad.

I mean, what's a good fall without proof?

Maybe it's just an internal organ bruise--just what I need.

To be honest, I was kind of dreading going to practice; I think it's because I suck so much and hate sucking at things. I truly can't stand it. I want to immediately be good. And for some things I am, but most things, especially things involving wheels under my feet, I'm not.

But obviously being immediately good at everything is not how life works, at least not my life, no, in my life I have to work at it.

So.

I went and I improved--not drastically, but slightly and that's all I can do for now.

I am not dreading it anymore. I'm actually excited to see my improvement over time, and to do something for myself that physical, mental, and fun. I'm getting ripped, btw. And soon, I'll wear the booty shorts to prove it.

What's So Great About a Routine?

As many of you may recall I quit birth control cold tofurkey back in late September.

I've been waiting for the day when I could get on here and say Aunt Flo is in the hizzy; but still, she has not came to visit.

I'm wondering if I should be freaking out? I am not freaking out. But I'm curious to find out when my body will get back on track, back into a pattern, perhaps when that happens I will too?

Routine would be nice. But also, my life doesn't really bend well to routine. Schedules are actually making me anxious. For example, roller-derby, twice a week, at very specific times; it's not the fact that I am putting my 150# body on 8 wheels and circling around on a cement floor as fast as I can, but that I have to do it at a designated time. That makes me nervous. Isn't that weird?

I don't know what's wrong with me.

I'm sure there are plenty of things.

Maybe I already mentioned this, but I would really love events to be like Netflix movies; you can pick the time and day you want to go; instead of them being "pre-scheduled" on specific dates. But, alas, life doesn't work that way.

If I was a better life-designer I'd invite a way.

But for now, I'll just keep waiting, period.

(One of the many reasons why I'd never wanna be knocked up)

Shift It All Into Place. A Better Place.

So, my morning has sucked so far. For different reasons that are boring and trite. What I'm trying to figure out is if it's possible to turn a day that started off so sucky into a day that's awesome?

Because you know that feeling, like, when it all starts adding up, and the mood seems stuck?

Stuck in a muddle of irritating buzzes; deep sighs, silent screams.

Re-centering is the only way.

Or perhaps it's just the alignment of the stars and I should hide for the day?

Maybe I'll just do some back bends... that could shift everything.

Or at least shift my perspective.

(Also have you checked out my new website Aimless Cupid?)

It's Not About Love: Online Dating Adventures. (And Music Monday)

I know many of you have been curious about my new online dating life. Well, the website is finally up, Aimless Cupid: They Shoot, But They Don't Score.

Meeting people in real life, not through online sites, works out much better. It's very difficult to tell if there is any chemistry based on our percent match, or questions we answered, or even how they look in pictures; just because they're cute and funny doesn't mean there will be any type of connection. It can actually be a downer, going into it thinking how they're so charming and clever online and then to meet in reality and discover they're actually awkward and boring. (I know this goes both ways).

Anyway. It's Music Monday too, so here's a little Fiona Apple to set the mood while you check out the new site!

My First Roller Derby Practice: Success!

This was my first derby outfit.

It was not enough clothing. I, in fact, almost froze to death.

That's right. Death.

We play in a secret warehouse that has no heat. It's pretty much the most D.I.Y. sport I've ever ben apart of.

The secret of being a successful derby girl: duct tape, lots of duct tape. Really, you just have to wrap your entire body in duct tape and you're good to go.

Like my skates that I'm borrowing, full of holes and tears, but not after we fixed them up and turned them into ductskates.

Did I fall, you wonder?

No freakin way! I mean, I will, I totally will, a lot, but I did not last night. That's how good I am. And we also only skated for like 30 minutes, slowly.

The women are amazing. The skating is painful. The warehouse is creepy.

This is going to be good.

10 Quickies (Not the Kind You Think).

1) I have been working all day long. This is an accomplishment.

2) I also washed my sheets.

3) And brought back my planner.

4.) I am on top of shit.

5.) I have yet to actually get dressed in clothing that people don't just sleep in. Like I could put on a bra maybe, or some jeans.

6.) But, I got work done. And I'm not stopping yet.

7.) Soon, I'll have finished a blog post, so I can cross that off my list.

8.) Roller Derby tonight. First time. I'll blog about it tomorrow, so you all know what happened. I can tell you ahead of time: I fall down.

9.) I met a cute guy. Or two.

10.) You want more don't you? Well, I'll fill you in later. When I know more. The ridiculous messages have slowed down. I think it helped that I removed certain "wants" from my profile. And I am no longer "fresh" or "new," me being on there a week now.

Abracadabra...in your pants.

Last night I stole a ring from a magician.

Did you read that?

I stole. From a magician.

And now I have his super powers because it was all trapped inside this ridiculous ring.

He was not "dressed up" as a magician but being his "true" self, card tricks and all.

Halloween is weird.