5 Good Things About the South Side, Boulder.

Well the move is almost done. Just a few more big things left and I'll be all set up on the South Side. What What. (I feel I should throw up some "gang" sign...but in Boulder, yeah, that ain't gonna happen.)

Here are 5 things I'm looking forward to about my new neighborhood.

5. The World Famous Dark Horse.

Yep. It's the one bar near here so that's where I'll be. Good thing it doesn't suck. The last time I was there we had a pretty cute server so I look forward to that.

4. Biking Everywhere.

I know what you're thinking, Krystal, biking everywhere, wtf? Well, I'm going to and I'm going to like it. It will keep me fit and partially sober. (And of course, save gas money/be nicer to the environment.)

(I still think my invention of a vibrating bicycle seat would be a hit in some niche fetish community--I'd like it anyway, though orgasming while riding could cause crashes; there'd have to be some sort of written warning.)

3. Puppies

I'm closer to the dogs I walk. AND I now live with 3. It's so nice to be around furry tail wagging creatures again. Even if this one particular dog needs to learn some manners. I'm talking to YOU black lab Marley.

2. Sprouts.

It's like the only fresh produce market I can afford in Boulder and it's only blocks from my new home. Yay! I can buy less more often. Fresher. Healthier. Yummier.

1. Trails.

I went for a walk/run earlier and the trails around the south side are ridiculously nice. I'm so excited to start running regularly around here. Especially now that it's fall and all the leaves are changing. Today was the perfect weather. I mean. Perfect. I'm going to go back out now!

Word Up South Side. I hope you're ready for me, cause here I am!

This is Really Terrible, But It's All I Got Right Now.

(Soon my song Gyllenhaal Sandwich will be out on the market, keep a look out)

Enjoy the stream:

My nail is slightly broken and I keep filing it through my teeth trying to smooth it out. I don’t know where anything is. It’s a jumbled mess and it’s not over. Messes. Menses. Not yet but soon I’m sure. Tree life plant life lean life fo. For real. It’s cold. Not freezing. Actually just right except my hands are ice. Ice. Ice. So nice. In a glass of water. Cut off. Stand off. No thought. Just go. Have you gone, or will you go and when if you have not? Finding mysteries. Real life not books. Books are better than real life. Sometimes. This nail really irritates me. I need to get laid. Laid. Like someone laying lying on top of me. Or the other way. Or sideways. Either ways. It will have to be a woman cuz I’m off the pill for real. Thank the goddess. She’s smiling down. And I’m centering myself and the world will soon be mine. That’s probably true, they probably put other drugs in pills to keep women from being fully successful. Idk. If that were true more lesbians would be successful. Not like there aren’t any. All she wants to do is dance and make romance. Maybe not romance. Maybe just straight up sex. It’s like before when I could get it whenever I wanted it I wasn’t tempted. Maybe I’m just turned on by the challenge. The risks. The possibility of rejection. Though I like to think it would be difficult to say no to this. But people have. And it’s been their loss. Lost. They were lost. But it’s okay. Not their fault. Jake Gyllenhaal, the only guy I’d fuck. Or maybe someone who looked just like him. And he wore a condom. Though I still get high school worried about that stuff. Like let’s go ride some roller coasters and drink wine coolers just in case. Just in case you haven’t noticed. I never run late. The wheels of fate of told me what? Go with the flow. Be the flow. Follow no. no way. Lead the way, not today but after coffee. I will find a file. I will be filed under ____________? I’m sure only the government knows. Though I doubt I’m on their watch list. But wouldn’t that be cool? I’m not revolutionary enough, I’d like to be. Be the change, blah blah. Better than asking for change I guess...and I mean that in more than one way. Off to work she says. Off to work. Work. Why do we do that? What is the point? I discovered a good point about myself last night, but I need more time to dwell on it, to make sure it’s right. In the meantime, kisses and wishes for a future full of clean dishes.

Having a Chat With My High School Self.

Sometimes I wonder if I was intuitively smarter or more honest with myself, and life in general, when I was younger. Or if I just didn’t get it.

For example, while packing up my stuff I came across this picture of me back in high school. I was wearing a shirt that on the front said, “Boy Troubles?” and on the back said, “Just Dump Him.” Now, that seems easy enough right? It seems like a smart solution.

Trouble. Solved.

But I’m pretty sure I bought that shirt before “love” entered the picture. And love just completely fucks things up now doesn’t it?

Not that it’s bad—all the time—just that it changes one’s perceptions of reality.

I woke up this morning, not too long ago, and realized that last night was the last time I’d sleep in my bed in this apartment. (And the last time I’d sleep in my own bed for a few months too).

I realized how much work lay ahead of me—not just the general packing up of all my shit (and there is a lot of shit), but emotional work. The working of “getting over it.”

And it is rather annoying—all of it.

I’m tired of being nice about it. I’m tired of being P.C. I’m tired of doing all the work.

But, I guess that’s just the way it will be. Soon I won’t be tired anymore because it will all be over. Yay!

A part of me does wish for those youthful simple solutions. Non-complications. But I wouldn't have really grown much as a human if that's how I approached life (and men); and acting like a 16 year old when I'm 26 doesn't seem fair to anyone including myself.

Sandra Cisneros says something like, when you're five you're still four, you're still three, two, one. You are all of those experiences. So maybe having a little bit of my 16-year-old self shine through occasionally isn't so bad--as long as it's the carefree, strong-headed part.

(I'll throw in a bit of my 5-year-old self too cause dancing in costume is always fun)

To troubles solved and new beginnings.

Baby Got Back Falling Out and Shit.

(I really enjoy how this model is holding kale next to her butt... It makes sense, I'm sure, somewhere,)

This other incident happened yesterday while I was attempting to hike. Again it was super hot out and I had just biked all the way there, which I guess it's that far but it's an uphill angle the entire time. I hopped off my bike, sweaty, trying to pull myself together; right when I did these dudes in this big SUV drove by and one dude so graciously yelled out the window at me, "your butt is falling out."

Yes. From the road, and for only like 5 seconds it took to pass, the dude was able to notice that my butt cheeks were not entire covered by my shorts. And he felt the need to comment on it.

Guess what dude? My arms were falling out of my tank top. My neck was falling out of my collar. My legs were falling out of my short holes. Or maybe it was hot out and nothing was falling out of anything. I was just wearing whatever the fuck I wanted to wear regardless of anyone else's approval.

And, does a little bit of butt really bother people that much? Obviously he was just making an observation. But it seemed like he wanted to make me feel embarrassed, instead I am slightly pissed and annoyed that our culture is so puritanical and yet obsessed with sex.

We can't have both ways. Having it both ways causes confusion and lots of stupid shit to happen.

So I pick the sex positive way, and that includes accepting, loving and being at peace with our own bodies.

I bike and hike up mountains. I have a nice ass. And if it "falls" out occasionally... well, good, it fucking should. Why should it have to hide just because other people are scared?

Sometimes the Rock Just Disappears.

Earlier today I attempted to go on a hike. I rode my bike the 10ish blocks there and preceded up Mt. Sanitas--one of the rockier, longer trails near my place--the hiking pros claim it's "moderately strenuous." Basically because it's like a literal staircase the entire way.

I realized today that it's not always about getting to the top.

And that Mt. Sanitas is only moderately strenuous for regular people. I am not a regular person right now. I am actually a zombie.

The truth, I was trying to hike up it at the hottest time of the day with the sun beating down on me after realizing I hadn't really eaten anything all day, again.

I kept stopping in the shade to catch my breath because every few steps I'd get dizzy and feel like I was going to throw-up. Good times, I know.

But it was a good time. Because it allowed me to realize how we are all interconnected. That, we all exist in the universe for a reason and we all impact each other whether it's on a small scale or larger.

For example, while resting in the shade on an uncomfortable jagged rock I saw this dude running down the mountain. Running. In like 85+ degree heat. It was at the sight of him that I began an inner dialogue:

"Fuck that guy," I thought.

Then right away I realized how rude that was, it wasn't his fault he could run down the mountain and I couldn't even walk up it. So instead in my head I was like: "No, I take it back. Good for him. Good for him for being able to run down the mountain."

Then.

He ate it.

Hard.

Yep, right in front of my eyes he was standing up and then he wasn't. And then he was.

I was like, OMGoddess, my bad thought caused him to fall! Which obviously isn't true--or is it?

I asked him if he was okay and he was like, "Yeah, the rock just disappeared."

And then I was relieved because it wasn't me at all, it was a magical rock. One that was there and then wasn't and had nothing to do with me. Or did it?

Maybe I caused the rock to be magical and disappear? Do people have that kind of power? Do I? It's highly unlikely.

But then, I was sitting there and this fly was buzzing around my head and I said, "go away, go away." Guess what? The fly went away. Yeah, and it didn't just happen once, when I moved to a different rock the same thing occurred again. Usually flies never listen to me, so maybe the Universe really knew that I didn't need a fly swarming around my head while I was trying to think.

Which was the entire point of going out into the wilderness anyway--to get some perspective--and that I did.

All in all, the adventure didn't really help clarify any immediate issues in my life but it did help reinforce the idea that it will all work out, as long as I believe it will.

And I should probably not think mean things about people cause they might come true...(and I don't want people thinking mean things about me!)

And Now There Can Really Be No Babies. Yay!

Today was my first day birth-control-pill free. I am super excited to be off those destructive pretend-to-be-pregnant-every-month / make-me-super-hormonal-crazy things.

I think it's a really good decision particularly since I am no longer having sex with men. That's right, this (me) is a dick-free zone--so boys park it some place else. What? Word! You heard me.

I know what some of you are thinking--yeah right, there is no way that someone who's loved men for so long can just up and quit.

But I'm telling you, I can. And one way I for sure will make this happen is by knowing I have no personal protection from se(men).

In case you're really confused and didn't get the memo my partner of five+ years and I have recently split. I mean, he fucked up big time, to say the least. And now I'm in mourning/confused/angry/excited/scared/numb.

Yeah, I think right now I'm really numb and not quite sure what to do with myself.

But I know what I am not doing. I'm not going to keep feeding my body hormones. And I'm not going to have sex with men.

So, there's that.

At least there's that.

(Isn't this creepy?)

Music Monday: I've Got My Own Hell to Raise.

I've recently been going through a lot of personal drama which has prevented me from being able to blog. Obviously, it's difficult to write about anything besides the drama because it's like the one thing on my mind constantly and anything else that I might blog would just feel trivial to me.

But, it's not appropriate for me to get into in virtual space. I will say though that I would be dead without music.

I am almost entirely certain of it.

I especially do not think I could have made it through my life without Fiona Apple. And I am entirely grateful to have had her music in my life. She, more than any artist, has helped me make it over some major issues.

And, since it's Monday, and I try to regularly put music on here on this day, here's a little of her that I share with you.

(This helps express part of what I'm feeling, though not the entirety.)

Oh, Sweet Country of Mine, Why? Why?

I'm at the airport. Waiting for take-off. I can't believe I had no time to blog pretty much the entire time I was home. I guess there is more to do in Kansas than people think! Lots of people to see anyway.

I've been kind of tense lately. I'm not sure why. Maybe I've just been drinking too much caffeine.

What I really think it is though, is television. There is something to netflix and commerical-freedom.

I've watched a lot of crap while I was home mostly in pure amazement that they even exist to begin with. But I think that what drives me the craziest is the news.

Maybe it's because it's another mega-political season, but the stuff going on is just plain moronic. I cannot believe these are the people we've all selected as representative of the United States. It's disturbing.

The HPV thing just exemplifies it perfectly.

Besides the politicians saying ignorant things, news sources just shouldn't give them this type of attention. These people really should never have made it where they have and it's not entirely their fault.

AHH. I have more but I gots to go get on a plane.

More later.

Peace.

Random Bedtime Thoughts: Like a Journal But Worse.

I feel like Frankenstein's monster; I have two zits right on my jaw line like bolts in my neck. Too much salt (like literally some people are allergic and it makes them break out, fyi).

That's what Kansas is like, bad food.

And mean cute dogs that nip at my toes and fingers. Or more specifically, one cute dog, that is actually a demon in disguise. Okay. She's just a puppy, but still. When did I become the chew toy?

Also, Kansas is really tiring. It's like 10 p.m. my time (mountain time) but like 11 here-- either way, I shouldn't be tired, but all I want to do right now is sleep. I'm wondering how I'm even typing at this moment.

I saw my friend's baby today. Maybe the next time I will have the courage to hold her. Babies scare me. But at least I can acknowledge my fears.

When I'm in the middle of nowhere I always wonder what everyone else is doing with their lives and if they even remember me.

Also, are they worth remembering?

Some people very much are.

Well. Redlight on my computer, that means night night for me.

Okay. Well, enough about me, here's a song to entertain you until I am more awake to write.

Music Monday: I'm Not Anything At All.

I love her. I'm so excited she's coming to Boulder in October AND coming out with a new album. Wohoo. Happy Holiday Music Monday.

(You don't mean that, say you're sorry. (I'll make you sorry).)

KanYes!

So, today, Sunday, I am road-tripping back with my dad, all the way through the lovely state of Kansas... home. I feel incredibly privileged--but not in that white upper class capitalist way--(as that would be difficult not being upperclass and all) but privileged in that I have and have always had some place to call "home." A place to go back to and feel comfortable and happy to be surrounded with not just familiarity but family.

Because it has been my experience it's been hard for me to realize many other people don't have similar relationships with "home."

(I was f-ing cute huh? hahaha)

And of course, it's different now, going back, and not staying, but the feelings are pretty much the same.

Like I can't wait to sit outside at my grandparent's house and drink beer and listen to my grandpa sing Black Eyed Peas or Blue Moon or whatever the latest coolest songs are out there that I'm out of the loop on.

Or go for a walk down the gravel road and see how the fields have and have not changed.

Or go into Garnett and "run" into people I haven't seen in forever but could never forget and it's like I haven't really been away at all.

And even though my parents have completely demolished my room and turned it into a closet (yes it has always been only as big as a closet) the house itself still represents so much to me--safety, love, hope.

It's cheesy, but sometimes cheesy feels real good (I mean, not literal cheese, me trying to be vegan and all, but yeah.)

I'm excited to chill with my family (and I hope my old friends).

I Hope You're Not Here to Traffick Us.

I'm not really sure how I ended up outside a bar last night, but there I was, with other people who were unlocking their bikes; we were all heading home. But then, these two Romanian guys came up to us and started saying how one of us looked too Eastern European, the other too American, and me, well I was perfect (HAHAHA I know, they seriously said that)-- I looked French.

French.

WTF?

Anyway, the whole thing was really freaking weird, but then it got weirder. I am about 87% sure that those dudes were human traffickers. And that they were wanting to abduct me and take me back to Romania to be a "dancer."

Why do I think this? Because they literally asked me if I wanted to go back to Romania with them and be a "dancer."

I truly hope they were just drunk and fucking around because if that was their true intent then that is really creepy and scary. And if it is true and they keep it up I hope other women here in Boulder (or anywhere) don't find the offer alluring, because that could end up being the most frightening journey of any American Girl's life. Prostitution and slavery in Romania.

Well, being a part of that anywhere (including women from all over the world who end up doing that here) would be frightening, being somewhere unfamiliar with no one familiar having to fuck men so other people get paid. Yikes.

Yikes. Yikes.

Please Stick to the Rivers and the Lakes That You're Used To.

You know, people ruin a lot of things, but there is one thing they ruin more than anything--Waterfalls. That's right.

Yesterday I was at the car wash vacuuming out my car because the fishbowl that was holding all the Sir Richards condoms at the After Party decided to shatter into a million pieces all over my backseat. Great, I know. The car wash that I was at is located on the very edge of town and I knew if I kept going on that road I'd get to Boulder Falls.

I thought, shit, I live in f-ing Colorado, I'll just go sit at a waterfall and gather my thoughts, relax, find some peace and quiet. Bahaha. Bahahaha. Bah. That. Did. Not. Happen.

It was a Wednesday, the middle of the afternoon, during the school year--don't people have jobs? Aren't they in school? Why were they there? And I know-- I was there so why am I being such a freaking hypocrite. Here's why. I was there, sitting calmly, taking in the scenery. They were there yelling and being overtly obnoxious.

Their actual presence has gotten me to question why people are so fascinated with waterfalls to begin with. I mean, it's just a stream splashing down a cliff. The sound must subconsciously remind us of being in the womb or something. I mean, yes, it's beautiful and the mist feels really good, but they seem to have all turned into major tourist traps..."trap" may not be the right word. All I know is it did nothing to ease my mind.

Not to mention the fact that some tourists were being a-holes when I was trying to leave my parking spot--they literally turned in right behind me because they saw I was backing out but then gave me no space to move out of their way so they could have it. Yeah. Really. Smart.

I feel like I may have complained about this before... hmm. Well, my suggestion to the general public (though I know the general public would never read this blog) would be when attending a waterfall please keep your mouth shut. Pretend you're at a library, but like a nature library, and you have to be quiet so not to disturb your surroundings.

Just an idea.