I Moved...Virtually!

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Please check out her writing at the new location.

All About Bitter Unloving Love.

So, last night I realized something really glaringly obvious.

The bigger the crush I have the more unavailable the guy.

That's right. I came to the conclusion that I like the unattainable; guys who are in different countries, guys who are best friends with guys "I like," guys who have girlfriends, guys who would never ever like me back; those are the guys I get fluttery about. Because I can get fluttery in a safe space and not have to worry about reciprocity.

Or putting in any effort.

The other big realization last night.

I'm more upset about the amount of effort I put into a relationship than any thing else. Because there is no proof that I put any effort into anything. If I had spent that time writing or reading or working there would be literal things to show that I did that. But when a relationship ends, all that effort just vanishes as well.

So why even do it?

Why not put the effort into writing or reading or working instead?

What is a relationship for any way?

Particularly a monogamous romantic relationship?

To prove some capitalistic point that someone values you more than they value others?

Does it really matter if one person values you more than everyone else?

I can plenty of love from family and friends.

And I can get sex by raising my hand and saying, "yes please."

So. What I'm saying is that I don't understand the hype. The desire. The want.

Why there is so much emphasis on it?

Is it because it's ridiculous and pointless and since everyone else feels they have to do it, I have to feel that way too?

Don't think so.

I mean, no offense if you're in one and it's "the best thing ever;" I just don't think it's the best-thing-ever for everyone. Particularly myself.

I'm going to disregard my unattainable crushes and start putting more effort into writing, reading, work.

Because results happen there. And I can see them.

The Soundtrack to My Life.

I asked a friend what I should blog about and he suggested the soundtrack of my life, so here is an attempt. Perhaps it will enlighten you all on why I am the way I am.

While in my mom's womb I listened to quite a bit of Bob Seger:



And then throughout my childhood, he never really went away.

In elementary school I went through a "country phase" that lasted just one year BUT it was quite the impactful year.

My cousin was obsessed with Mariah Carey. Which meant I was too.

My cousin even wrote her a letter and got back a "signed" 8x10. I was jealous. But not jealous enough to write my own letter.

I spent a lot of time at my grandparents house. I made up dances to Salt N Pepa; one of their favorite albums (no, they're not black).

I remember the moment at my bff's house when we switched over from the "pop" radio station to the alternative one. I didn't get why it was no longer cool to listen to Back Street Boys and it was suddenly cool to listen to this guy whining about being a loser. I didn't like it at first; I think this was a huge turning point for me. I had to adjust my taste to fit in. I think deep down I'll always secretly be a pop princess (which, probably makes me a loser, baby).

(I saw Beck live in Chicago many many years later. He was wearing a lot of really pale foundation and a big floppy hat. This couple right next to us kept making out during his show. I thought it was a travesty they were so "in love" that they were missing one of the greatest musicians of our generation, but whatever).

And then, I went through a heavy metal phase in high school, duh.

It was a pretty intense phase as things in high school tend to be.

Because I was obviously so freakish.

The only all-girl heavy metal band... they got seriously overplayed in my car stereo. (Actually they still get overplayed when I'm aaanngggrrryyyy...which is often enough.)

Yeah. Why did I listen to this again?

I have this list in my journal from high school about what I was looking for in a boyfriend... one criteria was that he had to know all the words to the entire Slipknot/Slipknot album... yeah, he would have been a keeper...if only I had found him. (Maybe I'll post the list tomorrow????)

(My roommate Emily had to leave the room while I was putting the high school section together...that's how amazing this time of my life was... haha)

Missy Elliott made a big impact in high school too. I dedicated this song to one of my many suiters after a strange encounter at a party. (And when I say many, I mean the one guy who kind of liked me off and on from like 8th grade to senior year--and also liked my best friend, and her friend and her friend--yeah, that guy.)

Mostly though, my best friend and I would just play Missy out of her car stereo and dance around outside (or inside depending on if we were "Cruising"). (Also developed amazing car dancing skills by driving around listening to her over and over again).

I had a high school boyfriend. Let me tell you all what happened with that. I was a senior. He was a freshman. I was a leopard, he was a kitten. I went off to college. I went off to college.

Yeah so that didn't work out. He later became a preacher. This still freaks me out to this day.

Here's a song that sort of explains that relationship. . .

Then there was undergrad.

The Blue Album happened a lot. As well as Sublime.

I had another boyfriend during this time. We did theater together. He was an asshole. Like, I've never dated or even hung out with a bigger asshole then this guy. I also drank ALOT during this time. Probably because my boyfriend was making fun of my Korn collection (while he was jamming out to My Chemical Romance...not kidding).

Then I moved out of the dorms into a real-life apartment, in a basement that had two showers and two stalls in the bathroom. Asshole boyfriend and I broke up. Then I started dating artsy-fartsy-musician neighbor boy. That worked out pretty well. I mean. It worked out for like 5.5 years. But during that still undergrad post-dorm time I was dancing A LOT... often to one of my favorite bands of all time, The Yeah Yeah Yeahs.

Fuck I'm old. This is still going. . .

Grad School.

Riot grrrl and womyn love.

Patti Smith is my favorite artist of all time.

Riot grrrl paved the way for my creative thesis project (Pervertable Tongues...so there's that).

Then I moved to Boulder. It was a rocky year. I mean, both literally from like hiking and stuff and then figuratively dealing with transitions and being out of school and not really having a job and the dissolving of what I thought was going to be a life-time sort of relationship.

After that there was "The Break-up" and during that time I pretty much listened to Robyn and EMA excessively.

And now there is now.

Today.

What's my song for today?

Minus the heels. I'd like to find me someone who wants to pay my rent and my student loan debt. I think I can do this!

But it will probably be more like this:

Theme Song for the Year:

All-time Favorite Album that Will Always Be Important to Me Every Year for the Rest of My Life: Fiona Apple/Tidal.

And there you have it. The Soundtrack to My Life. Wow.

I Think All I Think Are Random Thoughts These Days.

My mom told me to change my facebook profile pictures because she said I looked ugly in it. Okay. Not really. But she said she didn't like it. It reminded her of someone she no longer likes. Someone I no longer like. So, of course I had to change it. But I've had the same profile pic for like a month and that is a record for me. I usually change it every other day. Facebook profiles are a pretty good indicator of a person's personality. Like a second first impression. An online impression. Which is basically a first impression for your online personality. Some people have distinctly two... a reality personality and an online one. Some people are pretty balanced. I don't know what I am. Balanced is probably not it.

You know what I really don't like but also really like right now? My hair.

I've decided I'm going to grow it out over the winter and then chop it back off into a pixie in the spring. I'm doing this for multiple reasons. The biggest reasons are that I'm poor and I'm lazy. I've been wearing lots of weird cloth scarf things in my hair and not really combing it. This look works well for me. Because I don't give a fuck. And it's so obvious with my appearance.

I wonder what will happen when I get a job interview? Because I will get a job interview. People want me right now. I'm like a cat. Which is weird because I'm allergic to cats. But I think that's why people want me. I have cat-like tendencies to not give you love when you want love. And to rub all over your leg when you don't want me to touch you.

Which is exactly what employers are after....right?

IDK.

I don't really care either. Like, I want to work. And I work hard. And I work well. But if people are going to be jackasses about hiring me because 10,000 other people are also applying for the job, fine. Whatever. I'll move on with my life. I'll be a cat and take a nap in the sun.

I really need to start blogging about actual things, I think. Maybe not. Whatever. Fuck it. Live it up. Do what you want.

Seriously. Best. Advice. Ever.

Do what you want (and get paid for it).

It can happen. You just have to bbbeeelliieeevvveee.

Maybe.

We'll see if this believing thing really works out.

Meow.

5 Random Thoughts: Liking, Loving, Working Or Doing None of the Above.

1) Beds

Sometimes it's nice to sleep next to another person. But really. Sleeping alone is so fantastic. You can sleep however you want. For example, last night I slept at the base of the bed sideways. You can't do that shit with someone else there. Also, my favorite way to sleep is diagonally, if I ever end up sleeping more permanently with a person they're going to have to deal with that.

2) Love

I know many of you are wondering about my "dating" life. There are like threeish people I like right now and one guy I sort-of kind-of maybe love....but only from afar. That's right. I am enjoying the art of loving someone from afar knowing that it would never work out, but appreciating the presence of this creature on the universe, and wishing him the best possible happiness life has to offer. It's nice. Because I don't have to worry in any way about making him happy or even expressing my love, I can just keep it hidden inside my heart, only for me. At least I know love hasn't completely faded frommy emotional spectrum--though dealing with it in any sort of productive way is probably going to take at least another year. For now, showing my "liking" is as far as I'll go. The guy I sort-of kind-of maybe love, will forever be the one who got away, because maybe he just represents the illusion of love anyway. IDK.

3) Bras

I've been thinking about bras and boobs a lot recently. The past few days I've been lounging around in my bra but it doesn't seem to actually do its job. Like, I'll be laying there and my boob is just hanging out--wtf? Why even wear it? Also, sometimes when I take my bra off I like immediately want to have sex. Does this happen to anyone else? I don't know if it's just this subconscious reaction because sometimes when I take a bra off I do have sex, so maybe it's some pavlovian thing. Or maybe it just has to do with the fact that my nipples are no longer being protected by like 2 inches of padding and are free in the world to be stimulated by outside forces (aka cotton t-shirts). Again. IDK.

4) Tea

So, for the last week I've been sick. And it wasn't until my lawyer friend hooked me up with sudafed like 4 days into the cold that I was finally able to breathe (lawyer friends are smart) but then I also started making this amazing cold concoction. I take 1/4 teaspoon of dried ginger, a pinch of cayenne pepper, a squirt of agave and two capfuls of lemon juice and I mixed it with boiling water--like tea without the tea. Ginger is supposed to be a flu killer and is really good for immunity and circulation. I think I'm just going to drink this drink all of the time now. The cold is like 88% gone. Yay. Finally.

5) Work

Yeah, so I tried to file for unemployment. I was not approved. Shock Shock. So, I need a paying job. If any of you know of anything that would be amazing. My talents include but are not limited to, judging people, making fun of people, acting like I'm listening to people, looking at people with weird expressions on my face, laughing a lot, drinking excessively... oh fuck I should just be bartender. If you know of anywhere that would let me be a bartender. . . please hook a sister up.

Almost Streamlined Stream of Consciousness: Manics, Amish, and Sexy Sex.

For awhile I was worried that I was becoming a manic depressant, but today I realized it's just the Colorado weather that's affecting my mindset. Yesterday, I was walking around in a t-shirt and today it's a freaking blizzard outside. EEwwww I'm so happy and sunny. Booooo I'm so sad and snowy. Manic? I think very much so.

(me and the weather being manic together)

Also our apartment is still cold. The heat is still not working and we've been here technically a month now. One of the coldest months out of the year--you think if "heat was included" they'd try a little harder to "include" it... or maybe they're just trying to be funny.

I wish I was funny. Instead I just make funny looks, which weird people out or offend them--either way.

I wish my face was better at lying. Seriously. It would save me a world of trouble.

Speaking of trouble, I could use some better drugs to combat this cold. I should probably attempt an all-natural route with garlic and ginger and tea and whiskey--maybe some gingerwhiskeytea? But knocking myself out with nyquil seems to be making it slightly tolerable. Morphine though? Codeine? Opium? Opium is from nature right?

I've always wanted to drink opium tea while wearing a floor length dress, long hair in a bun, and just stare out the kitchen window wishing my life wasn't so abysmally boring. You know, like women used to do back in the day.

I feel like the Amish fireplace isn't doing much to heat up the room. I wonder if the Amish laugh at us for actually owning these things, since they themselves can't use electricity. And actually have to create their own fire places with real wood and everything. Romantic. Rugged. Real.

I have to confess. I've always wanted to do an Amish dude. Not one of them with a beard...they're married anyway. But for sure one of them right before they'e married with the whole get-up, hat, side burns, suspenders. Some of them are really cute. What? It's not the weirdest fantasy. Give me a break.

Well, I look like complete shit. No wonder no one from OK Cupid has contacted me recently--they can sense it. They know that I am ill and not in any way looking sexy. Which means I don't want to be sexy with them. Not that I ever have wanted to, but they know it's really not going to happen now.

I wish there were Amish guys on OKC...too bad they can't use electricity. Or can they now? How do they get away with making things work with electricity? It would be kind of nice to live off the land with little to no advanced technology. Unfortunately their ideas of gender equality are as outdated as their technology so.... no thank you. I prefer my pixie cut and my pants (and my internets).

Readers Select Blog Topics: Round 1

1) Boobs

Earlier I somehow spilled my drink down my cleavage and gravity directed it into my bra where it sat and soaked into my push-up padding like a sponge. It was a super gross feeling. I'm still trying to figure out how exactly it missed my shirt entirely yet somehow managed to fill up my boobs. It was like a pond in there.

2) Kurt Cobain

In this interview they say to not get a job. Of all people, they should know. I'll just start a band that will make people obsessed with me. I will become the next Mary Magdalene of Rock. Yeaaahh!!! Or I'll learn to play pool. Either way.

3) Double Dick Tricks

My roommate's friend came over while I was coming up with blog topics and he told me about these very rare disease called Diphallia-penile duplication. Anyway, this man with two dicks ended up falling in love with this woman who happened to have two vaginas. This is a true story. I don't know if I have much to say about this except it seemed like the obvious choice in selecting a mate... whereas for everyone else, we have a much more difficult time figuring out what fits.

4) Gross Flavored Jelly Beans

Should probably just not ever buy these things.

5) Kathleen Hanna

Sometimes I get really upset because I didn't know who Kathleen Hanna was at a younger age. Like, if I knew what the riot grrrls were doing when they were doing it I would have turned out so much more badass than I am. But, such is life and eventually I did discover her and the movement and that's all that matters.

**Bonus** Pegging

For all of you who are unaware, pegging is a term advice columnist Dan Savage + readers came up with for the sex act that consists of a woman strapping on a dildo and penetrating her male partner. I'm pretty sure it's a heterosexual term... not sure if a woman can "peg" another woman, though I don't know why she couldn't or why it would need to be called something else. In any case, I have never pegged anyone before, but don't worry it's on my to-do list. And I'm sure I can find some dude from OK Cupid that would be into it. (Though it's not a top priority).