Five Lessons Learned from Missy "Misdemeanor" Elliott

Because she know's what's up.

1) Remember Your Umbrella

2) Do Not Date Minute Men

3) Be Careful of Your Mouth

4) It's Okay to Get a Little Freaky

5) But Don't Get Too Freaky

You Are Too Fat (And I Like It).

I'm going to take a moment to be complete honest.

The best thing about facebook is seeing people from high school/ undergrad that I never liked who are now fat.

It really just gives me a a little thrill. My body tingles with joy when they come up on my newsfeed in someone else's (of whom I liked) photo albums and I catch a glimpse of the person who used to be in shape now overflowing with the left-over calories of too many naty-lights or busch lights or whatever they're drinking down in the big K-A-N.

I'm most excited when I find out an ex has put on massive poundage. My heart races, I start to perspire, I take a big breath in, wipe the sweat from my brow and sigh with relief, "at least I got out of that one in time." And, I like to think I had them at "their peak."(I'm sure they think otherwise, hence the breaking up part).

I am slightly disappointed though as I imagined more people from my past would be overweight by now. Especially those from high school. They've have plenty of time.

Isn't there some percentage that all classes must reach? Like 3/4 must gain 20 to 50 pounds, 1/2 must pop out kids and/or get married and like 1/16 must actually do something cool with their lives?

Not that I'm doing anything that cool, which is why I probably find happiness in other people's misery. Or I'm just an asshole. But, I don't really care. Why? Because I know I'm not the only one who feels this way, I'm just the only one mean/brave/evil enough to say it out loud.

Of course, this means I will have to keep hardcore working out, so, I myself, don't fall into the fat trap, but I guess that's part of the point. I say it out-loud and thus I force myself to not become a hypocrite or a walking contradiction etc. Though I've always been a curvy creature, I think they like to call it voluptuous, but that's my cross to bear.

And what about the people from back in the day who I like/d who have now gained weight? Nothing. Indifference. Why? Because they aren't assholes. So their weight means nothing to me. I don't find that it makes a difference in who they are as people, because they are still badass and/or cool.

Whereas the assholes who were assholes then are still assholes now, the only difference is that I can't take them as seriously because they look like rolly-pollies. And that makes me so happy inside.

An All Vegan Thanksgiving.

The Fam. (minus me)

The menu:

Vegetable Strudel (with spinach, tofu "feta", mushrooms), garlic mashed potatoes, roll, green bean casserole, and the best part, stuffing!

green bean casserole

Stuffing (yum!)

Appetizers: hummus w/ veges and pita chips and bean salad with chips.

Dessert:

Chocolate Cupcakes with Mousse Frosting

Pecan pie.

Surprised at how good all the food was. Happy to have had plenty of left-overs!

Vegan: Days 5-10

Day 5 Nov. 19th

Breakfast: oatmeal

Lunch: orzo stirfry w/ faux chick’n

Snacks: toast w/vegan butter

Dinner: fries + beer (healthiest dinner ever!)

Day 6 Nov. 20th

Breakfast: vegan doughnuts & half/vegan chocolate chip muffin

(Who said being vegan meant only eating "healthy" food?)

Lunch: leftover orzo stir fry

Snacks: black grapes, white beans, pecans, salad (lettuce + carrots + sunflower seeds + Italian dressing)

Dinner: Tofu stirfry with brown rice

Day 7 Nov. 21st

Breakfast: doughnut holes with blackberries and pineapple

Lunch: left-over orzo

Snacks: salad

Dinner: black bean and butternut squash chili

Day 8 Nov. 22nd

Breakfast: toast w/ vegan butter

Lunch: Hapa tofu bowl

Snacks: popcorn

Dinner: more chili yum!

Day 9 Nov. 23

Breakfast: half a vegan muffin

Lunch/Dinner: pasta w/ chick'n patty.

Day 10 Nov. 24

Breakfast: toast with fruit

Lunch: baked potato w/ chili on top

Dinner: Pueblo Corn Pie

Thoughts: Coming along.

I'm Not Totally Bitter, Here's What I'm Thankful For:

Many years ago, while attending what could be considered my worst Thanksgiving dinner (yet) at a former boyfriend's family's place, after I had "cut" the cranberry sauce incorrectly, and then hung out with the guys instead of helping the "women" in the kitchen (after doing everything wrong why would I stick around?), we were all forced to go around the table and say what we were thankful for. Again I gave an epic fail answer when I said, "tulips and ice cream."

What the f is wrong with tulips and ice cream? Was I supposed to say "I'm thankful for a boyfriend who has such a judgmental family?"

Anyhoo. I don't think that boyfriend and I spent another thanksgiving together (and if we did it wasn't with his family).

So here's my list bitches. And if it's not good enough for you, well then, perhaps you should ask WWJD and go walk on water.

I'm thankful for:

popcorn

tortilla chips

digital cameras

my mac

yoga

P90X

records

record players

netflix

netflix streaming

a tv to watch netflix on

books

cookbooks

cooking

forks

spoons

knives

bowls

plates

cups

rum

vodka

club soda

limes

orange juice

ice

drinking

an indoor bathroom

plungers (what did people do before plungers?)

a nice comfortable bed

blankets

pillows

snow

sun

plants

trees

fall leaves

cilantro

salt

pepper

cumin

strings for guitars

Garage Band

good music at just the right time

jumping pictures

facebook

elephant journal

jezebel

oh ok, this blog too

writing in general

writing specifically

Feminists

Margaret Sanger

birth control (though more people should consider using it)

Gloria Anzaldua

bell hooks

Judith Butler

queer theory

playing with gender

androgyny

cyborgs

cyborg feminism

Donna Harraway

painters

painting

art

art that doesn't piss me off (good luck)

Jake Gyllenhaal

Almost being able to spell his last name correctly after having a crush on him for 8 years

Maggie Gyllenhaal

James Franco

having crushes

making out

Ryan for putting up with me

new Boulder friends

old awesome friends

family (even the weird ones and the ones in jail)

f-ing tulips and ice cream (now vegan ice cream)

Now I doubt anyone would actually want me to say all of that at the dinner table.

Top 5 Reasons for Reclusion.

Lately I've been thinking about going into hiding. I am really curious if I could become a full-time recluse with government funding...I mean it is considered a mental disorder right? Surely my want to not be around people would grant a monthly paycheck.

It would be for the good of "man" kind. Maybe.

Here are Five Reasons Why I Should be a Recluse:

1) Weather

Winter is nearing it's ugly gray cold face and well, I don't really want to deal with it. And by the time winter is over, blooming flowers and chirping birds will more than likely get on my nerves. Never mind the hot heat of summer and all the beautiful people walking around almost naked, I don't want that shoved down my throat again.

2) My Blood Pressure

It's high. Like really high. And I'd like to blame it on bad drivers and stupid people. If I didn't leave the apartment then I wouldn't be on the road or around any dumb-asses and my stress level would be low, very low.

3) Friends

I, like, totally, for sure, don't have a BFF here, so there's like no ones hair to french braid and like no one to read Vogue with. Ah! Bummer.

4) The Book

Yeah, I'm supposed to start writing one of those and what better way then to do it the Emily Dickinson/J.D. Salinger way?

5) Ease

I've decided I'm terrible at conversing with people. I don't know what's wrong with me. I think I may have hit a dead end road in the world of topics I care to discuss. It's no one's fault but my own. And to save everyone else from being around me. I think I'll just hide for awhile.

Now I just have to find a grocery store (and liquor store) that delivers. Shouldn't be too difficult.

5 Books I Can't Get Through.

Ever since I finished grad school I've been sort of ADHD with my reading. I seem to love to start books, but have gotten really bad at following through all the way with them.

If anyone has recommendations on whether I should "just do it" or "just toss it" I would greatly appreciate it.

1) Annie Dillard: The Living

It's set back in the day and just hasn't liven up to my expectations of Dillard...I guess I just can't get past the past. The writing is good of course, it's just the storyline is nothing I can really relate to thus far.

2) Diane DIPrima: Pieces of a Song

I'm just really bad at reading poetry no matter how "beat" worthy it is.

3) Judith Butler: Undoing Gender

It's theory. And it's Butler. Thus, it's just going to take me a while.

4) Gabriel Garcia Marquez: One Hundred Years of Solitude

It's taken me like 100 days to get through 100 pages. I don't know why, I just can't get into it. Maybe there are just too many characters to remember.

5) Jane Goodall: Reason for Hope

Ryan won this book at the vegan meetup. It's pretty Jesus-y so far. I don't know if I can handle it much longer.

I don't know. I'm just really in the mood for a really good book. I don't want to re-read books I know are good, I want to read new ones, would love suggestions if any of you all have any. Also if you think I should power-through with any of these five let me know and I'll give them all another shot.

Doctor Doctor Give Me the News.

I got a hole in my eye, high blood pressure, and a bad case of farting too.

This is why I don't go to the doctor. If I hadn't gone to the doctor then I wouldn't have high blood pressure because I wouldn't be thinking about how I have high blood pressure making me stressed / making my blood pressure rise.

Of course I had high blood pressure, I mean the nurse made me think for 5 seconds that I could be pregnant and we all know how much I drink and we all know that kid would come out looking a little too Rod Blagojevich (aka fetal alcohol syndrome). Plus we all know what I think of babies, especially babies coming out of my vagina (Check out Pervertable Tongues "The Mom Song" if still curious) so of course my blood pressure went up. Give me a Break. And of course it's still up because now I'm pissed off that there is something wrong with me.

Also...I guess have a hole in my eyeball. I almost passed out when the doc was dilating my eyes. He kept like staring into my eye with this bright light and I started to freak out thinking that he shouldn't be taking that much time, thinking how there was probably something wrong if he kept looking into that eye repeatedly, thinking that I was going to have to have surgeries and that I wouldn't be able to see, that I had some weird cancer that he'd never seen before. So I got dizzy and could barely breathe.

All of which didn't really help my blood pressure. Which then made me even more anxious. I thought if I had a stroke I'd lose movement in the left side of my body and then if my right eye had a hole in it neither eyes would work. And Ryan would have to feed me from a straw and he'd stop clipping his toenails just to spite me.

Then the doc tells me that the hole will probably just repair itself.

Repair itself!!! Then why the f did you tell me about it to begin with? Probably because he wanted me to have a stroke. That has to be the reason.

So in a way, doctors perpetuate my illnesses by making them into bigger deals then they actually are. Therefore making me need to drink to calm my nerves, which I know is just going to lead to some other overblown problem down the road.

Oh and I fart a lot. Ryan said if I kept telling personal secrets about him he was going to tell everyone that I fart. So, there you all go. I fart. Sometimes I fart dramatically. Sometimes I just let go a little whimper fart. But I do it, in case you all were mistaken. I know it's a rarity as most human beings never experience that bodily function. I must disgust you all.

But don't worry soon my heart and my right eye will explode (or implode?) and I won't be able to write anymore.

Or I'll have to do it by blinking the letters of the alphabet over and over again until I write an entire book. . . (actually written by Ryan who has to watch me blink all day every day while feeding me food from a straw, yay how fun!)

Vegan: Days 2, 3, & 4

Day 2 Nov. 16

Breakfast: apple

lunch: leftover tofu bowl

snacks: carrots w/ italian dressing and sunflower seeds, black grapes, raw pecans, peanut butter w/ whole wheat crackers

dinner: orzo w/ broccoli, white beans and tomatoes

Day 3 Nov. 17

Breakfast: oatmeal with toasted walnuts

lunch: leftover orzo

dinner: tempeh bbq sandwich, chipotle mashed potatoes and garden salad

Day 4 Nov. 18

Breakfast: oatmeal with black molasses and toasted walnuts

lunch: (faux) chick'n wrap

snacks: pecans, grapes

dinner: quinoa stuffed green peppers

Thoughts: The food's been good for the most part. Still trying to get myself to like oatmeal, not that I hate oatmeal, but it's really nothing to fall in love with. Of course I haven't been perfect...a piece of non-vegan candy, etc. but I'm not going to beat myself up over it because it's a transition and I still have non-vegan stuff in my home. I already purchased it and I cannot ethically throw out food. That to me is worse than any of the weirdest eating habits. It really hasn't been that much of a change to be honest. It's more of a consistent "foot down" where I have to be disciplined more when I'm around other people than when I'm on my own.

Kittens in Space? New Art by Me.

Sneak Peak at my Upcoming Series.

Sky Rockets in Flight 1

Mixed Media 8" x 10"

Pickles for Patriarchy!

Mixed Media 8" x 10"

Deep Space Exploration 1

Mixed Media 10" x 8"

(I apologize for the crappy photo glares)

Vegan: Day 1

Monday November 15th

Breakfast: Chipotle Mashed Potatoes on Toast with Sunflower seeds.

Lunch: Edamame and a tofu yakiniku rice bowl from Hapa Sushi (elephant journal Monday meeting).

Snack: black grapes and whole wheat crackers.

Dinner: MORE chipotle mashed potatoes, spinach, and tempeh BBQ sandwich.

Thoughts: Yes, I know this was a weird breakfast choice but hey, it included toast so it's not that strange. I just have problems with breakfast particularly because I never crave sweets in the morning and it seems like everything savory either takes a lot of work (tofu scramble etc.) or includes eggs (eggs in a hole has been our stand-by for like 2 years now. I should eat oatmeal or something but I just can't get myself to get into it. As I said before...if my coffee made itself then I'd be better at cooking a morning meal.

(Dinner)

Vegan Thanksgiving: Turning Me Vegan?

I'm very thankful to have gone to this Gentle Thanksgiving Feast (put on by the meetup group, Colorado Vegans) I mean look at all that food! And that wasn't even half of it. There were like 6 big tables full of vegan food. There was even vegan pizza. Crazy time!

I found out about the group through the creator--Lisa who came to one of our elephant journal staff meetings; she made us lunch and we all discussed the politics of food.

I've been a vegetarian for like IDK 4 years now, but have found it difficult to make the full cross over into the world of veganism. Mainly because of cheese and ice cream.

Why am I thinking about making the switch?

Lisa discussed how female cows are forcibly impregnated over and over again until they can't become pregnant anymore then they're killed (which isn't a very long or fun life). So cow's are basically raped to give us dairy products. She also mentioned that when momma cows birth male cows they're immediately sent to slaughter to be made into veal. Boy cows die, girl cows get raised into the same lovely rapetastic lives as their mothers.

So all of that really freaked me out. I can't look at cheese the same way, every time I put it in my mouth I think of cow-raping which really sucks, let me tell you. The guilt has become unbearable.

The problem with turning over to a total vegan is that I don't really eat very well to begin with. I mean I don't really eat very much at all then I drink until I'm hung over the next day and just want tater tots. It's a real healthy life style, I know.

But I'm going to try to make a slow transition over. Take it meal by meal. There really are so many great recipes and foods out there to make the vegan lifestyle fulfilling and the guilt of not being a part of a rape culture will be gone, which will be quite a relief.

Changing habits into better habits.

Thinking about doing a 30 Days to Vegan thing.

We shall see. If you have an advice please feel free to hook me up!

In the meantime I'm wondering: why do we only eat stuffing one time a year? I mean it's f-ing delicious, should have it more often.

Weird Food I Eat Take 1.

This concoction is a a piece of toast with garlic mashed potatoes, homemade pickles and sunflower seeds. Yum Yum.

I believe this recipe to be completely vegan too, if you're into that. But even if you aren't, it's still a treat to try.

Get Street Poetry Off the Street.

Today I went to the bank. Generally it wouldn’t matter where I went today but I swear there is a story here.

So, today while walking to the bank, I saw, from across the street, a hippie (with a dog), pestering people. He was basically standing right in front of the bank so I knew there was no possible way of avoiding this guy. I had no idea what he wanted (besides money) or what his special skill set was in which to acquire the money (because in Boulder you can’t just ask, you have to dance for your dollars).

I wait at the light. I look behind me to see if there are any suckers that can distract him from me.

No one.

I know he sees me, like it’s the fucking national geographic channel and some crazy animal shit is about to go down.

The white-light-man tells me I can walk. When I am almost to him:

“Can I read you a poem,” The Hippie asks.

A poem? Really? That’s your dance? You want to read people poems?

Dude, don’t you realize that people go out of there way to avoid poems, and they are definitely not going to stand on the street in 35 degree weather to listen to one.

“No.” I replied. Because I did not want to listen to his stupid ass poem.

“What?” he asked as if he was shocked and appalled by the idea that no one wanted to hear his poems.

“NO!” I repeated.

He shrugs and asks someone else who has so graciously decided to walk by.

I enter the bank.

The tellers at this particular bank are so incredibly friendly it’s almost disgusting. I’m depositing a check and the young woman asks me about the weather.

“It’s cold.”

She then proceeds to ask me about my weekend.

“I have no plans.”

The teller is surprised by my answer as I must look so much cooler to her than I actually am.

“Well, she says, “sometimes it’s nice to not have to do anything and just chill out.”

“Yeah,” I reply, “except that’s not really…um, well, sure. Actually I’m just lame.”

The young teller woman, must obviously have a girl’s night out planned with margaritas or martinis followed by late night dancing at the club/grinding on some hotties followed by a late hot tub dip, and then concluding with passing out on silk sheets—Only to wake up to mimosas and a spa day followed by another night (with her man this time) full of martinis, fancy dinners and tango dancing.

So the Teller with the Plans hurries up my deposit as quickly as her fancy fingers can, smiles, and says, “well, Happy Friday!”

Happy Friday indeed. I left, did some other shit. Then of course, on my way home, I had to encounter the HIPPIE again. This time I was stuck right next to him at the light.

“Want to hear a poem this time around?” He asks coyly.

“No. I sure don’t.”

“Why? Are you afraid you’ll fall in love today?”

Yes. Hippie. That’s exactly it. I’m afraid I’ll fall in love with poetry and then I’ll have to go to all those fucking open mic nights and slit my wrists and dye my hair black and talk while snapping my fingers. How did you guess it?

Actually the real reason that I don’t want to hear your hippie poem is because I don’t want to have to tell you that it sucks. Because it does. I can already tell just my looking at your haircut. And after you read it to me, and look at me with those sad hippie eyes, well then you’re going to ask for a dollar. And I can’t pay for bad poetry. Why don’t you go inside the bank and ask the Teller with all the Plans if she wants to hear your poem.

Because I could tell by looking in her fancy eyes that she is totally ready to fall in love today. In fact, she was ready to fall in love yesterday. And there is no other way to fall in love then through hippie street poetry.

Boyfriend + Pet Peeve = Awesome Entertainment.

Last night marked the 155th time that Ryan cut me with his toenails.

Now as many of you know this is my number 1 pet-peeve regarding my relationship with Ryan.

(So as you can see, we don't have very many problems.)

But wtf?

Seriously?

It's been almost five years of me yelling at him to keep his toenails trimmed, and still after all this time, he slices me. I think he is passively trying to make me bleed to death by slowly and methodically cutting his toenails in the exact way as to "accidentally" tear open my skin as often as possible.

Perhaps all long term relationships have these quirks, but I need advice.

Do I

1) deal with him cutting me and just leave it as the #1 pet peeve?

2) drug him and saw off his toes?

3) make him get weekly pedicures?

4) make him wear socks to bed?

5) drug him and pull off his toenails (as opposed to cutting off his entire toes)?

Any practical suggestions would be greatly appreciated it.

Also if you've been in a relationships for a long period of time and have advice on how to deal with the other's "issues" that would be super fantastic.

Now for some Neosporin and band-aids.

Give Me a Break. A Long Longer Longest Coffee Break.

Dear Coffee,

Is there any way that you could just make yourself?

I mean, I'm sure it's difficult to fill yourself up with water, throw the old grounds out, put a new filter in, put in new grounds and hit start. I know, because I have to do it everyday. And before my morning coffee...it's almost the most difficult thing I have to do in the morning, besides literally getting out of bed.

So if you could please... pretty please, just basically fill up and then pour yourself into a mug for me. That would be of great assistance. As you know right now my life is pretty hectic. I mean with this 50+hour job, all of the blogging I've been doing, and the novel I'm writing.

I just can't keep up.

What? You're saying I don't have a job? You're saying I haven't blogged in like 3 weeks? Oh and my novel doesn't even exist?!

Well. F You Coffee. Maybe if you would just make YOURSELF in the morning all of those things would happen. And I wouldn't be so bitter and angry.

Thank you for your time. I look forward to hearing from you,

Yours Truly,

Krystal