Lips, Unzipped

I Moved...Virtually!

2012-01-20T12:02:00.005-07:00

Lips Unzipped has moved to krystalfawn.com

Please check out her writing at the new location.

All About Bitter Unloving Love.

2012-01-18T10:41:00.003-07:00

So, last night I realized something really glaringly obvious.

The bigger the crush I have the more unavailable the guy.

That's right. I came to the conclusion that I like the unattainable; guys who are in different countries, guys who are best friends with guys "I like," guys who have girlfriends, guys who would never ever like me back; those are the guys I get fluttery about. Because I can get fluttery in a safe space and not have to worry about reciprocity.

Or putting in any effort.

The other big realization last night.

I'm more upset about the amount of effort I put into a relationship than any thing else. Because there is no proof that I put any effort into anything. If I had spent that time writing or reading or working there would be literal things to show that I did that. But when a relationship ends, all that effort just vanishes as well.

So why even do it?

Why not put the effort into writing or reading or working instead?

What is a relationship for any way?

Particularly a monogamous romantic relationship?

To prove some capitalistic point that someone values you more than they value others?

Does it really matter if one person values you more than everyone else?

I can plenty of love from family and friends.

And I can get sex by raising my hand and saying, "yes please."

So. What I'm saying is that I don't understand the hype. The desire. The want.

Why there is so much emphasis on it?

Is it because it's ridiculous and pointless and since everyone else feels they have to do it, I have to feel that way too?

Don't think so.

I mean, no offense if you're in one and it's "the best thing ever;" I just don't think it's the best-thing-ever for everyone. Particularly myself.

I'm going to disregard my unattainable crushes and start putting more effort into writing, reading, work.

Because results happen there. And I can see them.

The Soundtrack to My Life.

2012-01-17T13:17:00.006-07:00

I asked a friend what I should blog about and he suggested the soundtrack of my life, so here is an attempt. Perhaps it will enlighten you all on why I am the way I am.

While in my mom's womb I listened to quite a bit of Bob Seger:

And then throughout my childhood, he never really went away.

In elementary school I went through a "country phase" that lasted just one year BUT it was quite the impactful year.

My cousin was obsessed with Mariah Carey. Which meant I was too.

My cousin even wrote her a letter and got back a "signed" 8x10. I was jealous. But not jealous enough to write my own letter.

I spent a lot of time at my grandparents house. I made up dances to Salt N Pepa; one of their favorite albums (no, they're not black).

I remember the moment at my bff's house when we switched over from the "pop" radio station to the alternative one. I didn't get why it was no longer cool to listen to Back Street Boys and it was suddenly cool to listen to this guy whining about being a loser. I didn't like it at first; I think this was a huge turning point for me. I had to adjust my taste to fit in. I think deep down I'll always secretly be a pop princess (which, probably makes me a loser, baby).

(I saw Beck live in Chicago many many years later. He was wearing a lot of really pale foundation and a big floppy hat. This couple right next to us kept making out during his show. I thought it was a travesty they were so "in love" that they were missing one of the greatest musicians of our generation, but whatever).

And then, I went through a heavy metal phase in high school, duh.

It was a pretty intense phase as things in high school tend to be.

Because I was obviously so freakish.

The only all-girl heavy metal band... they got seriously overplayed in my car stereo. (Actually they still get overplayed when I'm aaanngggrrryyyy...which is often enough.)

Yeah. Why did I listen to this again?

I have this list in my journal from high school about what I was looking for in a boyfriend... one criteria was that he had to know all the words to the entire Slipknot/Slipknot album... yeah, he would have been a keeper...if only I had found him. (Maybe I'll post the list tomorrow????)

(My roommate Emily had to leave the room while I was putting the high school section together...that's how amazing this time of my life was... haha)

Missy Elliott made a big impact in high school too. I dedicated this song to one of my many suiters after a strange encounter at a party. (And when I say many, I mean the one guy who kind of liked me off and on from like 8th grade to senior year--and also liked my best friend, and her friend and her friend--yeah, that guy.)

Mostly though, my best friend and I would just play Missy out of her car stereo and dance around outside (or inside depending on if we were "Cruising"). (Also developed amazing car dancing skills by driving around listening to her over and over again).

I had a high school boyfriend. Let me tell you all what happened with that. I was a senior. He was a freshman. I was a leopard, he was a kitten. I went off to college. I went off to college.

Yeah so that didn't work out. He later became a preacher. This still freaks me out to this day.

Here's a song that sort of explains that relationship. . .

Then there was undergrad.

The Blue Album happened a lot. As well as Sublime.

I had another boyfriend during this time. We did theater together. He was an asshole. Like, I've never dated or even hung out with a bigger asshole then this guy. I also drank ALOT during this time. Probably because my boyfriend was making fun of my Korn collection (while he was jamming out to My Chemical Romance...not kidding).

Then I moved out of the dorms into a real-life apartment, in a basement that had two showers and two stalls in the bathroom. Asshole boyfriend and I broke up. Then I started dating artsy-fartsy-musician neighbor boy. That worked out pretty well. I mean. It worked out for like 5.5 years. But during that still undergrad post-dorm time I was dancing A LOT... often to one of my favorite bands of all time, The Yeah Yeah Yeahs.

Fuck I'm old. This is still going. . .

Grad School.

Riot grrrl and womyn love.

Patti Smith is my favorite artist of all time.

Riot grrrl paved the way for my creative thesis project (Pervertable Tongues...so there's that).

Then I moved to Boulder. It was a rocky year. I mean, both literally from like hiking and stuff and then figuratively dealing with transitions and being out of school and not really having a job and the dissolving of what I thought was going to be a life-time sort of relationship.

After that there was "The Break-up" and during that time I pretty much listened to Robyn and EMA excessively.

And now there is now.

Today.

What's my song for today?

Minus the heels. I'd like to find me someone who wants to pay my rent and my student loan debt. I think I can do this!

But it will probably be more like this:

Theme Song for the Year:

All-time Favorite Album that Will Always Be Important to Me Every Year for the Rest of My Life: Fiona Apple/Tidal.

And there you have it. The Soundtrack to My Life. Wow.

I Think All I Think Are Random Thoughts These Days.

2012-01-16T12:51:00.003-07:00

My mom told me to change my facebook profile pictures because she said I looked ugly in it. Okay. Not really. But she said she didn't like it. It reminded her of someone she no longer likes. Someone I no longer like. So, of course I had to change it. But I've had the same profile pic for like a month and that is a record for me. I usually change it every other day. Facebook profiles are a pretty good indicator of a person's personality. Like a second first impression. An online impression. Which is basically a first impression for your online personality. Some people have distinctly two... a reality personality and an online one. Some people are pretty balanced. I don't know what I am. Balanced is probably not it.

You know what I really don't like but also really like right now? My hair.

I've decided I'm going to grow it out over the winter and then chop it back off into a pixie in the spring. I'm doing this for multiple reasons. The biggest reasons are that I'm poor and I'm lazy. I've been wearing lots of weird cloth scarf things in my hair and not really combing it. This look works well for me. Because I don't give a fuck. And it's so obvious with my appearance.

I wonder what will happen when I get a job interview? Because I will get a job interview. People want me right now. I'm like a cat. Which is weird because I'm allergic to cats. But I think that's why people want me. I have cat-like tendencies to not give you love when you want love. And to rub all over your leg when you don't want me to touch you.

Which is exactly what employers are after....right?

IDK.

I don't really care either. Like, I want to work. And I work hard. And I work well. But if people are going to be jackasses about hiring me because 10,000 other people are also applying for the job, fine. Whatever. I'll move on with my life. I'll be a cat and take a nap in the sun.

I really need to start blogging about actual things, I think. Maybe not. Whatever. Fuck it. Live it up. Do what you want.

Seriously. Best. Advice. Ever.

Do what you want (and get paid for it).

It can happen. You just have to bbbeeelliieeevvveee.

Maybe.

We'll see if this believing thing really works out.

Meow.

5 Random Thoughts: Liking, Loving, Working Or Doing None of the Above.

2012-01-15T11:32:00.006-07:00

1) Beds

Sometimes it's nice to sleep next to another person. But really. Sleeping alone is so fantastic. You can sleep however you want. For example, last night I slept at the base of the bed sideways. You can't do that shit with someone else there. Also, my favorite way to sleep is diagonally, if I ever end up sleeping more permanently with a person they're going to have to deal with that.

2) Love

I know many of you are wondering about my "dating" life. There are like threeish people I like right now and one guy I sort-of kind-of maybe love....but only from afar. That's right. I am enjoying the art of loving someone from afar knowing that it would never work out, but appreciating the presence of this creature on the universe, and wishing him the best possible happiness life has to offer. It's nice. Because I don't have to worry in any way about making him happy or even expressing my love, I can just keep it hidden inside my heart, only for me. At least I know love hasn't completely faded frommy emotional spectrum--though dealing with it in any sort of productive way is probably going to take at least another year. For now, showing my "liking" is as far as I'll go. The guy I sort-of kind-of maybe love, will forever be the one who got away, because maybe he just represents the illusion of love anyway. IDK.

3) Bras

I've been thinking about bras and boobs a lot recently. The past few days I've been lounging around in my bra but it doesn't seem to actually do its job. Like, I'll be laying there and my boob is just hanging out--wtf? Why even wear it? Also, sometimes when I take my bra off I like immediately want to have sex. Does this happen to anyone else? I don't know if it's just this subconscious reaction because sometimes when I take a bra off I do have sex, so maybe it's some pavlovian thing. Or maybe it just has to do with the fact that my nipples are no longer being protected by like 2 inches of padding and are free in the world to be stimulated by outside forces (aka cotton t-shirts). Again. IDK.

4) Tea

So, for the last week I've been sick. And it wasn't until my lawyer friend hooked me up with sudafed like 4 days into the cold that I was finally able to breathe (lawyer friends are smart) but then I also started making this amazing cold concoction. I take 1/4 teaspoon of dried ginger, a pinch of cayenne pepper, a squirt of agave and two capfuls of lemon juice and I mixed it with boiling water--like tea without the tea. Ginger is supposed to be a flu killer and is really good for immunity and circulation. I think I'm just going to drink this drink all of the time now. The cold is like 88% gone. Yay. Finally.

5) Work

Yeah, so I tried to file for unemployment. I was not approved. Shock Shock. So, I need a paying job. If any of you know of anything that would be amazing. My talents include but are not limited to, judging people, making fun of people, acting like I'm listening to people, looking at people with weird expressions on my face, laughing a lot, drinking excessively... oh fuck I should just be bartender. If you know of anywhere that would let me be a bartender. . . please hook a sister up.

Almost Streamlined Stream of Consciousness: Manics, Amish, and Sexy Sex.

2012-01-11T09:39:00.006-07:00

For awhile I was worried that I was becoming a manic depressant, but today I realized it's just the Colorado weather that's affecting my mindset. Yesterday, I was walking around in a t-shirt and today it's a freaking blizzard outside. EEwwww I'm so happy and sunny. Booooo I'm so sad and snowy. Manic? I think very much so.

(me and the weather being manic together)

Also our apartment is still cold. The heat is still not working and we've been here technically a month now. One of the coldest months out of the year--you think if "heat was included" they'd try a little harder to "include" it... or maybe they're just trying to be funny.

I wish I was funny. Instead I just make funny looks, which weird people out or offend them--either way.

I wish my face was better at lying. Seriously. It would save me a world of trouble.

Speaking of trouble, I could use some better drugs to combat this cold. I should probably attempt an all-natural route with garlic and ginger and tea and whiskey--maybe some gingerwhiskeytea? But knocking myself out with nyquil seems to be making it slightly tolerable. Morphine though? Codeine? Opium? Opium is from nature right?

I've always wanted to drink opium tea while wearing a floor length dress, long hair in a bun, and just stare out the kitchen window wishing my life wasn't so abysmally boring. You know, like women used to do back in the day.

I feel like the Amish fireplace isn't doing much to heat up the room. I wonder if the Amish laugh at us for actually owning these things, since they themselves can't use electricity. And actually have to create their own fire places with real wood and everything. Romantic. Rugged. Real.

I have to confess. I've always wanted to do an Amish dude. Not one of them with a beard...they're married anyway. But for sure one of them right before they'e married with the whole get-up, hat, side burns, suspenders. Some of them are really cute. What? It's not the weirdest fantasy. Give me a break.

Well, I look like complete shit. No wonder no one from OK Cupid has contacted me recently--they can sense it. They know that I am ill and not in any way looking sexy. Which means I don't want to be sexy with them. Not that I ever have wanted to, but they know it's really not going to happen now.

I wish there were Amish guys on OKC...too bad they can't use electricity. Or can they now? How do they get away with making things work with electricity? It would be kind of nice to live off the land with little to no advanced technology. Unfortunately their ideas of gender equality are as outdated as their technology so.... no thank you. I prefer my pixie cut and my pants (and my internets).

Readers Select Blog Topics: Round 1

2012-01-10T14:40:00.004-07:00

1) Boobs

Earlier I somehow spilled my drink down my cleavage and gravity directed it into my bra where it sat and soaked into my push-up padding like a sponge. It was a super gross feeling. I'm still trying to figure out how exactly it missed my shirt entirely yet somehow managed to fill up my boobs. It was like a pond in there.

2) Kurt Cobain

In this interview they say to not get a job. Of all people, they should know. I'll just start a band that will make people obsessed with me. I will become the next Mary Magdalene of Rock. Yeaaahh!!! Or I'll learn to play pool. Either way.

3) Double Dick Tricks

My roommate's friend came over while I was coming up with blog topics and he told me about these very rare disease called Diphallia-penile duplication. Anyway, this man with two dicks ended up falling in love with this woman who happened to have two vaginas. This is a true story. I don't know if I have much to say about this except it seemed like the obvious choice in selecting a mate... whereas for everyone else, we have a much more difficult time figuring out what fits.

4) Gross Flavored Jelly Beans

Should probably just not ever buy these things.

5) Kathleen Hanna

Sometimes I get really upset because I didn't know who Kathleen Hanna was at a younger age. Like, if I knew what the riot grrrls were doing when they were doing it I would have turned out so much more badass than I am. But, such is life and eventually I did discover her and the movement and that's all that matters.

**Bonus** Pegging

For all of you who are unaware, pegging is a term advice columnist Dan Savage + readers came up with for the sex act that consists of a woman strapping on a dildo and penetrating her male partner. I'm pretty sure it's a heterosexual term... not sure if a woman can "peg" another woman, though I don't know why she couldn't or why it would need to be called something else. In any case, I have never pegged anyone before, but don't worry it's on my to-do list. And I'm sure I can find some dude from OK Cupid that would be into it. (Though it's not a top priority).

Music Monday: Put It In a Fruit Machine?

2012-01-09T12:53:00.001-07:00

Well.

I am a fever.

Because I woke up with one.

I wasn't born typical. And I'm not happy about being sick. Again.

I was going to be productive today.

Was.

Now I'm just going to sleep (and probably watch Skins when I get tired of sleeping).

Am I a Blabber Mouth?

2012-01-08T14:04:00.004-07:00

Sometimes I think I may be too open with people. I think this blog may be a perfect example of this problem. Why I feel the need to say everything I'm thinking; or tell people I just met the entire truth of my past relationships I have no idea. A part of me is like, they should know everything so they don't think I'm a liar or secretive or something. But maybe they don't need to know everything all at once. Which is sort of my problem. I like everyone to know everything. I can't keep secrets about myself, though I'm really good at keeping other people's secrets.

And yet at the same time I feel that most people have absolutely no idea what I'm really doing with my day, with my dates, with my life. But that's okay because I have no idea what they're doing with their day, their dates, their lives. So. I guess this argument with myself is pointless.

Perhaps what's really going on is that I'm keeping secrets about myself from myself and this blog and me blabbing to everyone is a way for me to hide from myself about those secrets.

Inside I'm just a scared, guilty, sad little girl who never feels good enough, thin enough, smart enough, fun enough--no matter how many people tell me otherwise. No matter how much I tell myself otherwise. No matter how much I want to be an empowered feminist who loves her body and her mind and her soul, the truth is I got some issues. And I feel the more I talk, the more I write, the more I say, the sooner they will go away.

Though I've been writing and talking a lot lately and nothings really changed. . .

I wonder if the opposite would work better?

9 Random Thoughts: On My Day So Far.

2012-01-07T15:19:00.006-07:00

1) It's annoying to see people out running while it's snowing outside, but what's even worse than that is to see couples running together while it's snowing. They're so fit and they're so cute weee, weee, weee, barf.

(seriously, don't these kinds of images make you die a little bit on the inside?)

2) I went to a thrift store today and got the most badass Monica-Lewinsky-blue late 80's style dress. It takes hardcore yoga moves to zip myself into it, but totally worth it.

3) I looked out the window early and there was a leash-less dog taking a mega crap in the neighbors yard. Then it nonchalantly ran off in the other direction. No owner was ever spotted. These are the amazing highlights of Denver living.

4) If I were a Gossip Girl character I think I'd be. . . Vanessa. But I'd never ever ever fuck Dan. So nevermind. I'd be Blair. If I were a Skins character I'd be Frankie---though I haven't seen this entire season yet, so that might not be true. I'd want to be Effie but I'll never be that crazycool.

5) My second date is tonight. I have no idea what to wear; this is not a surprising sentence I am aware of that... how can I be cute, comfortable and slightly sexy all at once? I'll figure it out. No. I will not wear the Monica-Lewinski dress.

6) There is one place in Denver where you can go in and hang out for like 10 minute or 3 hours and no matter what you'll escape smelling like an ashtray. It's weird because there's so many smoke-free places now. I'm not a fan of this. Happy I wasn't a drunk in 1979.

7) I feel like I live in the perfect building to get a stalker. These open windows. These ok cupid daters that know where I live-ish.

8) It's a red wine kind of day. But more than likely I'm just whine all day.

9) I've been thinking about how I'd really like a nickname. But you can't give yourself a nickname. And I never did anything cute enough to get one when I was younger, you know like"Tootie" or "Fartbags"... and I'm not badass enough currently to have someone want to call me something other than Krystal. I did have a woman explain to me that Krystal is a stripper name, so I guess, my real name is already a nickname and I should start taking my clothes off for money.

10 Random Thoughts: Food, Dates, Disorders.

2012-01-06T11:22:00.004-07:00

1) I realize now why women often date older men. They have jobs. They have cars. They have their own place where they actually clean-up after themselves. They can have conversations that revolve around more than whether or not The Wire was the greatest show ever made.

2) The biggest problem with OK Cupid is that I want to go check out this guy I had drinks with last night, but he'd totally know I was checking him out unless I browsed anonymously, but then I wouldn't be able to see who was checking me out *sigh*

3) And I'm going on a second date. First second date. Work it.

4) I'd like to openly admit something. I'm afraid that I am developing a slight eating disorder. I know it has to do with control. I love food and I can control that love. Lately I've enjoyed feeling hallow. That hallow feeling of hungry. No one worry. This is just a phase. I know I'll get my appetite back and then I'll have to start working out again.

5) I will do almost anything to get out of writing something until the very last day that it needs to be written. I mean, I will even do the dishes. And that's saying a lot. Uggh the writing life.

6) Dots are the best candy ever made. And they're vegan so life is good.

7) Being vegan has been hard recently. Not hard like I haven't been able to do it, but everyone I've been hanging out with has been giving me shit about it. Fuck off, I don't eat dead animals/ animal products. And I don't sit around bitching about you doing it. So leave me in peace.

8) Fucking Skins. Every season. Is so gggreeeaattt!!! So many drugs. So much sex. Why couldn't I have gone to high school in the U.K.? Probably for the best, I would have ended up pregnant or in jail or dead. And I don't like the idea of any of those things.

9) There must be a lot of drunk drivers on any given night in the city. Any city. Just imagine if two people are out on a date. And two more people are out on a date. And a group of people are at a show. And three alcoholics have been in the bar all day. And the soccer moms' just had a girls night out. I'm just surprised everyone usually makes it out okay. I hope I don't jinx anyone. TAKE THE BUS.

10) Something magical is going to happen this weekend. Something magical. I can feel it.

It Was All Already Clear: But I Couldn't Stop It.

2012-01-04T15:01:00.003-07:00

A couple of weeks ago my friend read my tarot cards. My immediate-future card said that there would be much death.

Well.

All my plants died.

I wrecked my car.

I had my period.

And today I basically lost my job.

So, death much, yes.

Very much yes.

I can hear my mother an entire state away, sighing, “I told you so.”

And I can hear my roommate, 15 blocks away at her real-life-paying-job, groaning, “gggrreeaatt.”

But. Dear Friends and Family.

I have no fear.

It will all become clear. Soon enough. My future-future card looks BRIGHT!!! And my horoscope said that this year I’d become famous—which would only be like a year off from the time prediction that the Native-American-Meth-Head woman gave me in Hays five years ago right before Virgin and the Bandits played.

Yeah, so I just have to believe.

And probably put some effort into life.

Actually. I was thinking the other day that I need to learn how to read tarot cards now that I inherited a deck from my friend . . . perhaps I can start charging for that. I don’t know if I could make $500 a month doing it, but maybe enough to keep me in beer. . .

Also. I’ve been thinking about all of us who have degrees in the “arts” and how most of us are unemployed or underemployed or shitty-employed and how most of our days are spent wanking off in one way or the other—whether it’s wasting our time applying to jobs we don’t really want while streaming Netflix tv shows, or waiting tables to have enough money for rent and beer but little else—we are wanking wankers. And what we need to be is creators. We need to unite and make something together. Even if it’s low-budget (because it has to be). At least it would be better than mediocrity. We’d feel accomplished. We’d feel that even though we’re not quite fitting into mainstream capitalist culture at least we’re fitting in the way of feeling productive. Think about it; if everyone who wasn't really doing much actually did something...wwwoooaahhh!! crazy time.

I’m currently accepting applications for others to join me in this endeavor. And by applications, I mean, tell me you’re in.

To new, new, beginnings!

The Art of Being a Twat.

2012-01-03T11:48:00.007-07:00

I feel like a twat.

I don't even know what a twat is, just that they say it a lot in Skins and I'm guessing it's like the British word for "cunt."

Am I spiraling out of control? It feels like I may be.

It's because I am in the middle of complete indecision. I can't figure out what I want. And so, I think I'm taking that out on everyone I know. Not everyone I know, but a lot of people. My intentions aren't evil I swear, the problem is, I'm not really thinking through my intentions.

I'm just sucking at life.

I try to be thoughtful and caring and considerate but I can't be those things all the time. I can't be anything all of the time.

I feel like I've wrapped myself in invisible bubble wrap so as to prevent any sort of feelings or love or hate from penetrating my heart.

I am Chuck Bass.

But even Bass found love with Blair (I know eventually they break up even though I haven't gotten that far in the series).

Even cold distant manipulative Chuck Bass opened his heart for at least one and a half seasons.

I on the other hand just want to hide under the bubble wrap.

It should be okay for me to do right? It's my protection during this heartbreak recovery.

Often though, I think what bothers me more than anything is that my heart doesn't really feel broken. Because I don't feel anything. And that's the scary part. I've been listening to all these breakup songs, trying to figure out how I'm actually supposed to feel this, to react to it, and I get it, I mean I understand how other people have felt, but for me really it's just numbness.

I've had several people ask me why I even bothered joining an online dating site if I wasn't going to take it seriously. I think they know the answer to this, but they just want to hear me say it. I obviously want to feel wanted. Even if I don't really want to want any one right now. And yeah, that's fucked up but I can't help it.

I know deep down that I'm smartbeautifulfun, whatever, but surface, I don't feel it right now. I have enough confidence to get through the day. But not enough to imagine my future.

Or really to even think of what I'm doing to other people.

I should probably hide for awhile. The problem is, if I hide I'm afraid I will never reemerge.

So instead I'm self destructing in public.

Enjoy the show, I suppose, because it's going to be awhile before I save myself.

(I've been crying to this song since 1997, here's to another year and another layer of meaning!)

9 Random Thoughts: Mostly About Doodes.

2012-01-01T21:30:00.004-07:00

1) Has anyone else noticed at parties or bars or shows that a lot of guys go to the bathroom a ridiculous amount of times in a night? Once I was hanging out with this guy and I swear he went to the bathroom like 8 times in the course of two bands playing. Not only that but they spend a lot of time in there too. What are you guys doing? I am so curious.

2) I made this hummus with lentils, which I've never done before, it's weird, the texture reminds me of play-doh, which really kind of freaks me out.

3) I think I'm addicted to the internet.

4) I started making this painting the other day using the olive oil left over in a container that had once held stuffed grape leaves, so the olive oil was this cool green color. Anyway... I'm wondering if it's okay to use olive oil on a canvas....like is it just going to rot? And if it does, should I just write some deep philisphical meaning about the piece, like, "with this painting I am expressing how art and life, life and art is always changing. This is about the cycle of creation, the cycle of existence; we're here and we slowly decay." IDK. I think I could pull off being a visual artist. If I wanted to.

5) I almost lost 1-4 because I clicked the wrong button. Lucky for you all, I saved it right in the nick of time.

6) Also, pretty happy I got this iSkin for the holidays, since I just dropped play-doh hummus on my computer. This is why I needed a keyboard condom.

7) Speaking of condoms. . .what a weird but necessary invention. I wonder who I'm going to have sex with in 2012? I totally just went to OK Cupid to browse through my potential prospects. It's not looking promising. Although there are plenty of doodes that wanna fuck me. Gross.

8) Why do doodes think that just because they talk to me I am automatically going to want to have sex with them? Just because I like having sex (which most people do) it doesn't mean I want to have it with just any one.

9) OMG OKC is distracting! I did find a cute one, finally. We'll see how this goes. Wish me luck.

I Think I Am a Ghost: Champagne Resolutions For All That Will Be New.

2011-12-31T12:55:00.004-07:00

I resolve to revolve around myself more

to smoke cigarettes and take more drugs

to find fun in the mundane window panes

and spackled paint jobs

to get more sun

I resolve to involve more people in my schemes

to read fashion magazines and blow off

steam by rhyming words with dream

so it seems, it's hard to stop

but that's okay.

I resolve to dissolve all my drama

as quickly as soap bubbles in water

Dawn not just a grease fighter

stain booster, but drama reducer

staying clean and fresh

like lemon zest

I resolve to evolve as a positive life force

of sun goddess quality

growth unbuttoned

a blouse in the breeze.

I resolve to solve

all mysteries

I resolve to solve

all mysteries.

I Did It All for A Cookie: A Rant on D-Bags At Bars.

2011-12-31T09:54:00.003-07:00

Last night I was at this show at the Skylark and I swear to you one of those really bad OK Cupid profiles came to life. I was standing up front watching the band and these two doode-bros drunkenly came up right beside me, totally unaware of the space the were invading; my space. I was like, “I am not moving because of these assholes.” Then of course one of them bumps into me and does the whole, “uuhhhh yo saarreeee” thing. And continues to not move out of my way. It only got worse when this woman joined them and started swinging her hair all around. I could smell her shampoo. I was afraid pieces of her hair were going to fall into my beer. Or like her dandruff or something. (I don’t know how clean these people are.) Anyway. The one doode who ran into me looked like a skinny wiener version of Fred Durst circa 1999. And then. This is what sold it. He lifted up his shirt. Just like they all do in those photos in front of the mirror. Yeah, he lifted up his shirt to expose his skinny muscled abs to the girl whipping her hair back and forth. I guess this must be some sort of new mating ritual I don’t quite understand. Did this start with Jersey Shore and “The Situation?” I don’t know because I only have seen that crew on talk shows and all he ever does is objectify himself. Was this Durst character objectifying himself in an attempt to get laid by the hair-whipper?

It didn’t work.

She disappeared. Then this other woman came to take her place. And Dirty Durst was on top of his game. She took the bait, even as he sloppily spilled beer all over his face and shirt (that was no longer pulled up). I could no longer watch the scene because what I wanted to do was punch the guy in the face. Something about him just rubbed me the wrong way. I think it was probably the realization that guys on OKC that do the shirt/ab/mirror thing actually exist in real life. And they can easily be in the same room with me without me being able to do anything about it, except leave of course. And why should I have to leave because some wangsta-wanna-be-loved-hated-at-the-same-time doode can’t function in a socially appropriate way in front of me?

Yes, there is socially appropriate behavior at shows. Being a sloppy drunk, taking up too much space, and generally splaying about isn’t appropriate. We’re all used to it, be we don’t like it.

I mean, are there people out there that like getting bumped into and beer spilled on them?

I guess it could be someone's fetish. There's a fetish for everything.

Limp dickscuit ab pics are not mine.

Perfect Punctuation. Period.

2011-12-30T13:58:00.003-07:00

I have exciting news!

Many of you readers may remember me talking about my life with birth control; how I was on this progesterone-only pill that kept me from having a period for over a year. And how when my relationship ended I quickly quit taking the pill, because, fuck hormones, ya know!

But still, it had been months. Like three months and I was starting to freak out. Watching one episode of “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant,” really didn’t help. Every time I got gas I thought maybe it was a baby growing in there. And I was worried because I drink so much that if there were a baby in there it would come looking super retarded—not to mention the Maury—Who’s Your-Baby-Daddy—like scene that could have ensued directly after pooping it out into a toilet.

(deep breath)

So, needless to say, I am thrilled to announce the arrival of my period!!!!!!!

I have never in my life enjoyed having a period so much.

I don’t even care if this is too much information for all of you.

I feel as if I am getting rid of so much toxic energy.

And right in time for the new year!

I am really looking forward to 2012—new year, new start. It’s going to be a good one.

Many creative plans in the works including a new music project involving sounds of domesticity, painting, Spanish learning, and of course, an extreme amount of writing.

Cheers to the New Year!

*I’d like to quickly note that my blog from the other day may have been a bit much, perhaps a bit of an exaggeration, maybe even yes! a bit dramatic! But I had debated with myself for days about publishing it... my gender studies side of my self said, no, this isn’t ready; my writer side said, sometimes you just have to make sweeping generalities and be solid in your choice. So. I chose the writer side. A part of me feels bad, but another part of me doesn’t. I am not perfect, I do not have an editor telling me what’s good and what’s not. I make mistakes, but I hope that my readers understand this. My writing choices come from a place of wanting to connect, share, expand, learn, grow. I’m going through a rough time and I feel much gratitude for my readers’ support and understanding. And, of course I will elaborate on the gender issues sometime in the near future as I feel they were not quite clear.

From One Ex to The Next (Stay Blocked)!

2011-12-28T10:29:00.007-07:00

I couldn't decide whether or not to actually post this, but I am like fuck it, I think this needs to get out into the world... so here goes. Written Dec. 25th):

I did something really stupid today.

But let me backtrack for a moment.

When my ex and I broke up I blocked him on facebook. To which he responded in an email telling me how unnecessary he thought the blockage was and how all like 300+ pictures of us were now untagged.

I responded to that with some message resembling this:

“Boohoo. We’re not together anymore. And I can do whatever the hell I want.”

Fast forward.

I’m on my mom’s computer uploading holiday pictures to her facebook.

(You all know where this is heading right?)

And of course she never de-friended him because “she doesn’t know how to do that sorta thing.”

Why I clicked I do not know.

Since clicking on his page I’ve been trying to unclick the click from my memory but I can’t.

It was the click every ex dreads.

Now, I’m questioning whether I am actually a masochist who clicked knowing it would cause me more pain and suffering. Or, if my subconscious told me to click because I am now strong enough to accept the outcome of his betrayal.

Perhaps it’s a mixture of both.

It was of course, the click that revealed how he is now “in a relationship” (with the woman he cheated one me with).

My initial reaction was “of course.”

Then I got that sinking feeling in my stomach again, like the same feeling I had the week we broke up. I couldn’t eat. And had been doing a damn good job eating the entire time I’d been back home.

This non-eating made me analyze again... Am I not eating because I literally cannot stomach food...or can I not stomach food because subconsciously I don’t feel attractive and think if only I were thinner like them...or even more subconsciously--without food I can just whither away and become invisible like I already feel.

I mean, it hasn’t even been 3 months.

What I realized though, while sitting in the hot tub having a loud conversation with myself over the jets was that there are many men out there who disguise themselves as “feminists” but who are actually walking breathing misogynist asshole leaches.

Socially, women are brought up learning how to be nurturing and thoughtful of other people.

Men are taught that it’s okay to use women’s socially constructed tendencies of taking care of others as a way to get out of doing all the stupid shit that no one really wants to do.

Leaving it for us women.

What I mean here is that many men are perfectly fine with women doing the cleaning, the cooking, all of the planning, scheduling, organizing, bill paying etc. so they can do what they really enjoy.

Whether that’s some business exec who likes playing golf or some artist who likes wanking off on a canvas.

This is not 1952 anymore.

Please, people, let’s stop pretending it’s changed just because it’s masked by the scatters of daddy “daycares” and women CEOs.

(the fact that I have to put “daddy” and “women” in that sentence is a glaring indicator).

Okay. So. Many of you are probably thinking....

“oh girl you just be feeling used cuz you got cheated on by some dude.”

And yeah. I do feel used. And I know I’m not the only person who has gone through this type of relationship before.

You know the type--where you put love and thoughtfulness and energy into maintaining the relationship--even if it costs time and energy that could have went into other more beneficial things like book writing or art making or dinosaur riding, whatever.

What I am saying is that I now will be doing all my cooking, cleaning, organizing, working, creating for myself. And I don’t need anyone to hold my hand through it or anyone helping me get all the “shit” work out of the way... because my life will be more rewarding and fulfilling if I truly know how to Do. It. Myself.

Ain’t no one gonna hold me back.

And I’m gonna keep blocks blocked for a reason, yo.

Music Monday: If You Knew Better You Would Do Better.

2011-12-26T08:15:00.004-07:00

I need a little pump up music energy boost this Monday. Oh, the hollordaze really got to me. So much food. So much drink. I need to dance it off. No really, if I don't dance soon I'magonnagocrazy. And when I say, I'm going to go, what I mean is that I'm going to become crazier than I already am.

I could be okay with that.

But I'd rather dance.

No official video for this song.

But.

You should know better.

10 Random Thoughts: Presents, Freedom, and Sexy Sex Oh My!

2011-12-24T11:10:00.011-07:00

1) Is anyone creeped out by the Folgers commercial where the sister says to the brother, “you’re my present this year!” And then she looks at him, like he’s her “present.” Gross. I get freaked out every time it’s on. Plus the “African” wrapping paper that’s supposed to be an indication that “he was doing something heroic in some 3^rd world country somewhere where they don’t have good coffee,” –that also weirds me out.

2) How can I become a television script writer? I mean the stuff on their today is so bad, I could definitely write something just as bad if not worse, which is obviously the direction they’re going. I should probably just pretend to be an upper class white dude and then I’d totally be able to write sitcoms and dramedies. Or at least commercial jingles.

3) I wonder who in Long Island invented this “tea”? They should win some inventor’s prize.

4) Usually with online profiles, facebook, linked-in, ok cupid, the pic of yourself is supposed to, I don’t know, be one where you feel you look attractive. Do guys really think they look good in their online pic choices? Some of them look freaking higher than a kite, unshaved, blurry, dirty ass, sweaty, baseball-cap-wearing, lame wieners. (Never gonna get it, just sayin’).

(See how poor the picture quality is? And he's standing in a bathroom without even a real expression on his face. Try again. TRY AGAIN!!!)

5) I was talking to my friend the other day about how the act of shopping is itself the holiday experience. Or so it seems. And maybe that’s why I don’t feel very connected to this holiday. I don’t care to shop at places were things are new. I prefer to shop in dumpsters where things are free. And give the gift of dumpster finds to my friends and family year round instead of feeling the need to put something together at a particular time. It just doesn’t seem as thoughtful or sincere when it’s supposed to happen.

6) Does wrapping presents seem odd to anyone else? I mean, paying money for paper that’s just going to get ripped off and thrown away in less than a minute. I usually wrap with newspapers, but that’s not much better anymore since I never actual read real-life newspapers (yes I aware I write for one) but I read everything online. I guess, gifts need to become “virtual” gifts these days to save paper (and time and money).

7) I’ve noticed that in Kansas people eat a lot of white stuff. White flour, white ranch dressing, white mayonnaise, white potatoes, white cheese, white sugar. I think there’s a theme. Also—some times it’s disguised: chocolate cake, pepsi, French fries etc. but deep down we all know the root is white. No wonder people have weight issues. Not to mention the fact that produce around here is ridiculously expensive.

8) I’d really like to have the courage of a dog. Particularly these little lap dogs. I mean, they really have no consideration for gravity. They’ll just leap off of chairs and couches. They’ll fall back off of chairs and couches, without flinching, they’ll hop right back up, like it wasn’t no big thing. Like falling off furniture is just part of life. Plus the whole, “Oh, you just said no? Well, I’m going to do it any way,” attitude.

I like that.

9) I feel kind of guilty for not getting very thoughtful gifts for anyone this year. Usually I’m on top of that shit and even though I don’t spend a lot of money I at least exert effort. Though I have plenty of excuses I’d prefer to just fess up to the fact that I failed this year and acknowledge that I will try harder next year--(as long as I don’t break up boyfriend and have to move three times in a year. Oh wait. I won’t have a boyfriend, so no worries there.)

10) Many people seem to think I need to have a new boyfriend. I just want you all to know that I don't NEED or WANT that shit right now. Dudes are fun to hang out with, drink with, create weird creations with, but it hasn't even been four months yet. Give me a freaking break. Can't I just be alone? YYYEEESSS!!! And I will. As Salt n Peppa so poetically say, "If I wanna take a guy home with me tonight, it's none of urrrr business..."

Meaning--I'll do what I want.

Word.

And what I want is FFFREEEDDDOOMMMM.

(This is sexy freedom.... I grew out my hair just to take this picture).

Metronomes Kill Time (And My Soul).

2011-12-23T16:26:00.004-07:00

They say narcissists cuss a lot. I don't know what the fuck they're talking about.

eace... (I like how this video ends mid-word... and how I sort of look mentally challenged).

Also...why have I waited until just now to do video blogs??? They're SOO much easier.

(I will stop soon and write real blogs again I promise).

And Life Just Gets More Entertaining When Your Parent's Dog Picks Out Your Dates.

2011-12-22T16:18:00.010-07:00

My mom's dog Mindy recently helped me respond to a message I got on a popular free online dating site. Many people have asked me why I do this...

There are SOME cute guys. But really, the best way to look at it is like a garden... I am the garden and I have to keep plucking all of these weeds out. But occasionally I'll let a pretty flower blossom, but only if it's pretty. Then I'll pluck it's pretty head off and stick it in a vase until it withers up and dies and then I'll throw it away.

This particular guy was a doode who asked me if I wanted to chat. . .

Also, I apologize for the incredibly boring blogs lately. I umm... lead a very boring life right now. I mean, I'm not that bored. But I know I'm not very entertaining to you all.

My First Boring Ass Video Blog.

2011-12-21T20:09:00.005-07:00

I was so lazy today that I decided to just record myself instead of actually write down anything...

You will soon discover why I usually write down everything (cuz I can delete "likes" and all the weird facial expressions)

Say. My. Name?

2011-12-15T09:00:00.000-07:00

So. I’ve recently discovered I have a problem (I mean, I obviously have multiple problems but I am now aware of this one) the problem is I get crushes on people based on the sound of their names... I have this weird fetish for vowel-y type names, like the ones that roll off your tongue. I do not know what’s wrong with me. But if the name is like a little haiku or just beautiful sounding in general I will probably be crushing on that person. Which is really weird because the person often isn’t as great as the name; I find this disappointing over and over again. It really brings up questions on what’s in a name, and if a name really determines a person or not. Like, Krystal. Sparkling clear glass. I think that’s pretty accurate. But what do names like Jake or Mike or Ben really do? These people have to work really hard at creating an identity that is more than their name. Which may be why names don’t matter or aren’t as determining as people want to believe.

BECAUSE the ones with the weird cool names don’t have to try as hard--they’re already born with interestingness labeled on them. Even if they themselves aren’t interesting.

But who am I to determine who is interesting in general? I can only determine who's interesting to me and I think I need to stop crushing on people just because they sound nice, literally, but aren't literally nice (I'm sure some are, but it's not like, based on the sounds of their names).

Ugh.

Really what I was thinking is that I should not be crushing on these people but their parents, like whoever named them. Those are probably the interesting people.

Unless it's a last name and then I don't know what I'm supposed to do about that. . .

Yep.

Stop asking people their names I guess. This is the new plan. Then I won't crush on them and problem solved!

What's Beneficial About Friends with Benefits?

2011-12-14T08:14:00.006-07:00

Alright. As promised. Here’s me going into the concept of friends-with-benefits a bit more.

I am aware that there is a movie coming out with this title. But I know nothing about the actual concept and I’m guessing it follows the romantic comedy genre exactly so that means—guess what—it’s not really friends—with—benefits. (Now I’m going to start abbreviating it FwB btw.)

What is FwB and how do two (or more) people make it work.

Well, first off, it doesn’t work.

But it does.

It works only as long as the two people involved can stay on the same page in regards to what they want. This is exactly how any relationship works and how all relationships that end (friends, lovers, companions) fail.

FwB is a relationship dynamic designed for the less-committal, the less-prepared for seriousness, the less-desiring of long-term long-haul love—in all actuality it’s designed exactly for ME!!!

What makes it seem like an impossible relationship dynamic for both sexes (any sex combo) comes from:

1) An underlying egotism 2) Fear of rejection 3) Fear of unforeseen future drama

No one wants to be the state someone passes through on their way to a better state, but let’s be serious we’re not all meant to be together forever. The very fact that we’re not all meant to be together forever should be the very reason why more FwB relationships exist.

Shorter time-span relationships that are beautifuldynamicsparklyfunsmartsexysensualchill.

As I mentioned before, people want to feel loved, duh. I’d say most people though, want endless love—that is someone to love them FOREVER. But let’s slow down for a second-- anytime you love someone that love exists in the universe forever—so if you’ve ever been loved you can’t be un-loved, just maybe not loved at that very second ha! (okay, too heady moving on. . .)

If we worked on getting over the notion that our love is limited than we would be less possessive of other people’s love and more of it could spread around (not like herpes, but like oxygen)--we could all feel it a little more.

So the scariest part, the part that keeps us from proceeding into this type of relationship is that we will end up not getting attention from that person anymore. And/or the benefits are going to make things weird. But, as my friend pointed out the other day—if there is already a strong sexual tension not acting on it is just as weird as acting on it. I mean, if you feel some sort of physical attraction and you both want to jump each other it seems perfectly reasonable to do so. What’s the big deal with sex again? If you’re not into organized religion than you should probably be into sex. And having sex with friends is fun!

Right? You’re not friends with someone unless you’re attracted to them on some level—this does not mean it’s sexual—but there is still an attraction.

What makes a good friend?

What makes benefits?

What makes it more than friends with benefits?

The establishment of boundaries.

Communication.

Explaining what you want to who you want it from.

Most people have problems with this. Particularly the communication part. Like, if they say what they want out loud there is a bigger chance they won’t get it. The logic here doesn’t really make sense. But, I guess it could stem from 1. Not really know what one wants, or 2. Being afraid that the other person isn’t going to want the same thing.

Again, if this person is your friend you should be able to bring it up and work something out, or it’s not a very good friend to begin with.

Am I making any sense here? Am I getting anywhere?

I don’t know.

I’m tired of rambling on about it, so instead I’m going to write a list of everything I look for in a potential FwB.

Top 10 Traits for Friends-with-Benefits Status:

1) Compatible sense of humor—“funny” doesn’t really cut it because there are just too many styles of “funny” out there. So, quick witted, sarcastic, challenging.

2) Hot. If there are going to be any benefits the person has to be attractive to me. So, this one is pretty standard.

3) At least intelligent about some things. To be perfectly honest, this all depends on the level of hotness I’m dealing with. Deal with it. Some people, though less physically attractive, have had the ability to arouse my mentality—which, as they say, the brain is the sexiest organ—so either super smart about things I am interested in—or hot and smart about things that I’m slightly interested in.

4) Financial stability. I am not your mother. I am not your chauffer. No, I will not make you sandwich. No, I will not clean your room. This person should be capable of handling his or her own shit.

5) Communication.

6.) Trust.

7) Open-mindedness.

8) Thoughtfulness.

9) An exertion of energy directed into making the relationship fun, meaningful enough, entertaining.

10) If this is more than friends...than the benefits have to be worthwhile of the time and energy put into it. There has to exist that tension. And if that ever fades, going back to just friends should be the plan.

Alright, well, I’m sure I’m missing a few important qualities, but I think that covers it pretty well. I understand that I have perhaps made it even more complicated than it already was, but maybe I’ll do another round and flesh out these ideas EVEN more.

Other thoughts/opinions are welcome.

Turn and Face the Strain. Chh. Chh. Changes.

2011-12-11T15:52:00.005-07:00

Moving. One of life’s greatest joys. There really is nothing better than putting all of one’s stuff into boxes and bags, throwing them in an expensive rental truck, driving the ridiculously large rental truck through a big city and then carrying all the stuff (why is there so much stuff?) into a new place. It just makes me want to move every other weekend it’s so much fun.

But besides the paragraph of dripping sarcasm, perhaps I could dig a little deeper and find something a bit more meaningful.

Here goes.

Moving. A time of transition. The act itself, the carrying heavy objects over and over again is a sign of one’s commitment to change. A must needed physical challenge that gives the mind time to adjust to the idea that, yes, this is really happening. See, the bed is going into a new bedroom. The desk is going into a new office. The tv stand is going into a new living room (slowly and surely but it’s going). Watch as it all unfolds.

This time around I was luckily enough to have help from an (relatively) old loyal friend as well as a very new super awesome friend. Moving is where friendship is tested. If you can survive a move, you can pretty much survive anything. And the experience is always there to loom over the person when other favors are asked, such as, “remember that time I helped you move and like, you made me carry that massive bookshelf and I almost DIED?!? Now, please do ____ for me, you owe me.” And it’s true. Moving: a time to rack up the friendship favor points.

I don’t know. I’ve never had a problem helping other people move. I mean it doesn’t bother me like it does most people. It’s annoying when I have to move myself... but it’s because I have to organize it, pack it/unpack it, hope no one breaks any of it. When it’s someone else’s move, it’s usually pretty simple and only hard in the manual labor sort of way—which I actually like. It makes me feel like I’m accomplishing something. I am not offering my services to any of you dear readers; I’m just stating how I’ve felt about it in the past.

Anyway. I’m almost all unpacked! I look forward to writing many many lists, here’s a list of the lists I’m going to write.

(I love lists of lists)

1. things we need to buy for apartment

2. things wrong with apartment right now

3. what I need to do online when I go to coffee shop

4. groceries

5. things I want to do in Denver

6. year goals while living in Denver

7. okcupid dates (who’s in, who’s out)

8) things people can buy for me if they want to buy me presents (which everyone should)

10 Random Thoughts: Birth Controlled Nuns, Moving from Sexyville, And MORE!!!

2011-12-09T10:45:00.007-07:00

1) I wonder if I make better food when I am drunk or if it just tastes better because I am drunk. Not drunk right now. Cooking though and curious if it's going to taste as good as it did last night. Unlikely.

2) For my job I get a lot of google alerts about fertility. Lately what's been trending is whether or not nuns should take birth control pills since they're child-less and at great risk for developing ovarian cancers etc. I'd just like to point out--they're nuns--they have GOD on their side. They don't need birth control, they just need prayer.

3) Speaking of birth control; I just saved one of my (many) vibrators from imminent battery-acid death! Long Live Snorkledorkle!?! Snicklewinkle?!? Whatever. Do people really name sex toys? Or do they just do that in the movies? Also, fun fact, in most Asian countries it is considered a sin to have sex with an inanimate object, which is why almost all current vibrators have faces on them. And why it's probably a good idea to give them a name. Snickadickle it is!

4) While on the subject of naming; I’ve decided to call my bass Chuck Bass, all of you non-gossipgirl lovers wouldn’t understand. But it's bass (as in guitar) and Bass (as in the fish). And I'll get to say, "I'm playing Chuck Bass hard." Which makes me giggle inside like a little school girl.

5) I should be getting my car back today, which is perfect timing because I'm moving to Denver TONIGHT!!! Crazy it's already happening. I'm pretty excited for it though, there seems to be a welcoming scene of beautiful creative people. Plus like so much more music happening, which I think is going to be therapy for my ears and my soul.

6) Will I miss Boulder? Nah, it's only like 40 minutes away. And everything I really liked about Boulder, The Catacombs, being close to the mountains, Pearl Street, ended when I moved to the south side anyway. Certain people I will miss, but again. We're not that far away.

7) A friend of mine and I were talking about the concept of "Friends with Benefits" the other day. She was saying that no guy ever really believes a girl wants that. And after I thought about it, I realized it all comes down to their over-inflated egos. They couldn't possibly imagine that a girl wouldn't want to be with them forever.

Listen guys, you're not as amazing as you think you are; sure I'm sure some of your ARE amazing to certain women. But to women actually actively seeking FwB status these women may think you're fun to be around, they may even think you're fun to have sex with, but that doesn't mean they want to ride away with you on a white horse into the sunset. (I plan to go into this more soon, it's a big one).

8) My hair is getting long...which is funny because it's still so short. I can't decide if I want to grow it out to more of a bob-like thing or re-chop it into a nice little pixie. I love having a pixie, it's the best haircut ever (in regards to maintenance, time, energy, effort). So. I may have just answered my own question. Unless there is strong resistance from my readers--like you can really convince me otherwise--I'm open to negotiations here.

9) Why are my feet ALWAYS so cold? I think it's because they're so big, blood just gives up when it gets there and is like, nope, not going to be able to circulate these things.

10) On a quick serious note--I just want to throw a shout out to all my friends who have been there with me through this transition (and to the new ones who have made me realize it's a good one to be going through)--appreciate the love.

Awh Shheeeeet. What's Happen' To Me? Giddy Up.

2011-12-08T09:28:00.004-07:00

I remember this moment in sixth grade, walking through the halls with my friends after this study came out stating that like 60% of our school picked country music as their favorite kind of music and I turned to my friend and said, "I hope I never turn into a lame-ass and like country."

Well. This is hard to admit. But today, I succumb. I am now a lame-ass old woman who enjoys the twang. But, it's only one very specific album--okay, and Faith Hill's This Kiss (BFF will call me out if I don't say it now) so I'm questioning whether or not I should break-down and accept country in my life or just think of it as a fluke?

Perhaps, you can take a listen and tell me what you think?

Why I Don't Want To Have Babies: Round 37,027

2011-12-07T11:01:00.005-07:00

As many of you loyal readers already know, I have a very strong lack of desire to have babies. Much of it stems from an irrational fear of the physical act itself--though I am aware that women everywhere have been doing it forever. Still the thought of something so large and so alive coming out of my body really freaks me out.

But I realized the other night that it's more than the physical. The underlying reason is that I don't want to be solely responsible for the upbringing of another human being; even if the father was around and there were two of us--that's not enough. The only way I'd EVER consider pushing one out is if I lived in an close-knit strong loving community of like-minded folks who worked collectively on the development of all people--children and adults--living in the space.

Our current society is constructed around the individual family unit and I do not feel that sort-of boxed in lifestyle is conducive to who I am and who I want to be.

The stereotypical "commune" is not what I'm looking for. Honestly, I think very few people of our generation are looking for that--but it's closer in model than what we have now.

For one thing, there has to be some sort of merging of the environmental necessities--being connected to the earth and each other physically, you know gardening, taking walks, having face to face conversations, touching each other (this does not have to be a sexual thing, though that would obviously happen)--with technological advancements--connecting us to others globally via the internet etc. with space and time to create/play/party juxtaposed with maintenance and labor of the community itself.

If that could happen, then and only then would I consider reproducing. Technically though, if other people in the community are doing it then I wouldn't have to bother because I could help with their upbringing without physically going through the stresses of pregnancy.

I'd like to point out that after talking with a friend last night about this community concept (not in detail) it has become an even more far-fetched idea. It doesn't work to run-away in some sort of escapism/avoidance tacit just for personal well-being; we're all connected to what's happening to our earth. So, as an example, he elucidated, if toxins are being dumped into the water supply those toxins will flow eventually into "happy time community-ville" and we'd all die of cancer/weird diseases too--along with everyone else.

I don't know, maybe there is some sort of compromise that could be made--like the community isn't actually escaping just banding together for the "greater good" and living a lifestyle they envision everyone leading eventually, yet at the same time working to end the atrocities that are happening every day on this earth.

Yes!?! Who's with me?

My Adventures in Online Dating: Round 1.

2011-12-03T09:31:00.003-07:00

So, I've gone on two OKC dates since I began my online adventures a month ago. I'm a little weirded out.

Both guys have been like 6"4. Hairy chested spunky characters. But I think what weirds me out the most is that both have perfectly manicured apartments, brightly painted colorful walls with really terrible art. But nice. Like, metrosexual nice.

Is this a thing guys in their 30s are doing?

I have rarely dated older guys. They're usually not my type. But I've decided to expand my horizons and give non-typical-types a shot. I think if I keep this up I could become an art dealer. I could just go into these 30-somethings apartments and be like, nope, this shit is ugly, I'm going to hook you up with an original ________; I'd hire an MFA student to paint something, and then take a percentage; it would work out for everyone. (Yes, this is actually a pretty good idea--don't even think about thief-ing it.)

Anyway. I've also been having regular conversations with dudes on OKC to sort of even out all of the really bad ones--an ok-karma game, if it worked that way. I've even had a conversation with this dude whose grammar is so bad he doesn't even use the correct words in sentences. But I've kept talking to him without being an asshole... because I'm trying to give guys a better shot. Though first impressions--even online--are generally pretty accurate.

Finally, I've been sort of seeing this guy, a guy that I did not meet on OKC but found his profile on there like a week later--so it sort of connects to my OKC life. I don't really know what to think of him. He's been acting rather dooode-ish lately. Ya ladies know whatimatalkin bout. video games. enough said. And I just need way more attention. I don't think people understand the amount of attention that is required in keeping my interest piqued. It's really a ridiculous amount. If I could I'd scale it down, but I can't so I get it however I can. If you want to get with this there has to be at least some sort of effort. I don't think that's too much to ask.

So, there you have it. My current adventures in online dating.

I think when I move to Denver I'm going to try to go on a different OKC date every night for a week. I can just imagine the stories now. I will, of course, blog daily about it, just for you dear reader, just for you.

Post Break-Up Update. News + Drama + Top 20 List.

2011-11-21T09:30:00.005-07:00

I think this could be the messiest my life has ever been. But, in regards to messes, I've seen others that have been much worse (*cough* gossip girl). Thus, I don't want to complain because I know it's all going to work out. The major problem is that I am not comfortable being in the in-between. The space of unanswered questions, where I seem to be waiting, wondering, wandering, basically floating.

I've never been a floater.

Here's the story in case you've been out of town. . . when my ex and I broke up, the founder of the non-profit I work for offered her home to me to live and work in--I accepted as it worked out best for both of us--I got away from the toxic "ex" space and she got to live with me... or better yet she no longer had to pay me a salary as I got paid in room and board.

All of this was fine and dandy until OK Cupid came into our lives.

(Can I just say OK Cupid has created a lot of recent drama in my life.)

She fell in love.

Fast.

I am not one to judge the speed at which others fall in love--though I will admit to being rather bitter about "love" right now anyway, considering--but now, she is moving out of the house we were roomies in and into his house.

Leaving me in purgatory.

I don't know how long I can stay or where I should go when I am forced to leave.

So.

I quit roller derby.

I know, it's sad. I only made it to three practices, which just goes to show my commitment level to life right now is just not very high. Probably because my number one priority is not playing a game, but figuring out my reality.

Instead of actually sitting down and figuring out my reality I've been choosing distraction, usually in the form of food and television. I'm pretty sure I've finally gained back all the weight I lost during the break-up, which is rather sad considering I could fit into skinny jeans rather well. (I'll fast after the holiday.)

Anyhoo, so at this point in my life I could essentially go anywhere and do (almost) anything. This has never happened. I have always had a plan. Life without a plan is frightening. Debilitating. Long and short at the same time.

Here are some of my options:

1) Move to Denver and stay working for the non-profit/ find a supplemental job.

2) Move somewhere in Boulder and keep on keeping on.

3) Search the entire country for new jobs and move to one of those.

4) Put all my shit in storage and couch-surf around the country.

5) Move to South America.

6) Find a sugar daddy (mommy).

7) Occupy

8) No, mom, I will not move back in with you.

9) Find a witch and have her turn me into a cat.

10) Find a witch and have her put a wealth spell on me so I win the lottery (yeah, even if I don't buy a ticket)

11) Buy a lottery ticket.

12) Find someone driving somewhere, catch a ride and disappear.

13) Rent a room from someone.

14) Eat more pie.

15) Start doing lots of drugs.

16) Become a prostitute.

17) Ride a horse off into the sunset.

18) Find a psychic and have her tell me what's in store.

19) Pretend I have some sort of addiction and go to rehab.

20) Jump trains for days.

10 Random Thoughts: Fortunes, Occupy, and the Dating Life.

2011-11-18T12:41:00.004-07:00

1) The other day I got a fortune cookie (that I could actually eat), it read, "No one is standing in your way anymore, time to moving forward." Besides the hilarious grammar issues, I hadn't before realized that indeed someone was standing in my way. I've never in my life had a fortune cookie that was literally significant. I'm afraid I may be reading into things too much now. Or maybe I want to believe in something magical.

2) What exactly could moving forward look like? It could look like anything. I think that's why I haven't moved very far. When there are too many choices it becomes debilitating. Maybe that's a subconscious reason why I'm vegan, less options makes life easier more often.

3) I bought a livingsocial coupon, $50 for a truck, 3 months storage unit space AND Avalanche tickets--not sure why they were giving away Avalanche tickets, but at least now I have a back-up if I want to escape Boulder and become a professional couch surfer. After I watch a professional hockey game, of course.

4) We all want to live in a better world, but few people are actually willing to make the sacrifices--time, energy, effort, to make this happen. So much apathy. So much, "oh, I totally am behind what the Occupy people are doing," though they're never like literally behind them. Standing there.

5) I’ll tell you why I’m an (Occupy) hypocrite. I’ve been to a few of the events and I find them tiring. It’s still full of white guys blabbing their mouths off and no one stopping them as they keep saying stupid shit. Working within the same paradigm will only create the same problems. We need a complete shift and this happens with consciousness, a change in thinking that takes over an entire population. This mean letting new voices speak up, voices that don’t get a platform very often, if ever. Occupy gives us the opportunity to have dialogue with people on these issues of intersecting oppressions (class, race, gender, etc) again and again, and it’s within this dialogue that shifts will happen. The symbolism of an occupation is helpful, but it comes down to being able to influence change through conversation, enthusiasm, and literal solutions. (This is obviously coming from my standpoint in Boulder, CO, I’m sure the atmosphere is different in different parts of the country)

6) I am not an expert on social change... just a Master. Bah. That’s so pretentious. I welcome full arguments on this topic.

7) Ok Cupid is driving me nuts. Luckily my message level has decreased. But I haven’t replied to any one, good or bad, for like ever. The “hi how you doin” messages are getting really old. And all the guys are starting to look the same. The appeal is over. Though I never had plans to fall in love I had thought I could meet some cool people to hang out with. I guess I’ll leave that to real life.

8) Yesterday I had several people ask me if I had gotten a haircut, or complimented my “new” hair cut. What’s weird about this? I haven’t cut my hair in months. In fact, it’s grown out, A LOT, which must be what it was. Also, I hadn’t combed it. I just ran my fingers through it so it sort of just stood on top of my head. It’s like the best hair ever... I don’t do anything with it. Should have pixie-ed it years ago. (yay to lazyvainness)

9) I think I need to go to coffee shops more often. I actually get things done. Must be the collective work mode we’re all in. When I drink coffee at home I just go ADD about everything and hop from one project, thought, tv show, song, to another. Then my day is gone. It’s annoying. I guess it’s worth paying the extra money if that means I accomplish and finish projects.

10) Today I will do something creative, visual art, music, something. Hold me to it. If I don’t I’ll cover my body in dead leaves and let the worms eat me (maybe I’ll film it and that will be my art project).

Which Way is Which Way?

2011-11-15T08:39:00.004-07:00

I did not punch anyone in the face last night. I didn't punch anyone anywhere except with my brain power.

Okay, not really my brain power, but our trivia-table's collective brain power. For only three of us, we did pretty freakin good. My contributing efforts consisted of motivating my friends to dig deep within their minds to come up with the answers, and then when they did, I happily "chugged" the beer that came with winning. It was really important because I was not the designated driver and it was what I happen to excel in--though I never actually "chugged" it, I sipped it and took it back to my table to have through the next round (b/c I'm smart and cheap).

But who cares.

The point is I didn't punch anyone.

And I think I really should have, because this morning I'm slightly depressed. No, I won't blame it on the depressants that I have been over-consuming. I know where it's coming from and I find it irritating, but there is nothing I can do right now except let it pass through.

I guess it's nice knowing it's going to pass as opposed to thinking I could feel like this forever, that would only make it more depressing.

I just need comfort food and direction.

I seriously would be okay with someone else taking charge of my life, even if it's just for a day. Any takers?

Why Don't More Women Get in Bar Fights (with men)?

2011-11-14T14:15:00.004-07:00

So tonight I'm going to get in my First Ever Bar Fight!!!!!

This is weird. I am aware that people don't typically "plan" bar fights, but the truth of the matter is, I think my testosterone is out of whack--all I've wanted to do lately is either have sex or punch things...And I haven't been punching many things. So. Yeah. I thought I'd test it out.

Getting off birth control is crazy time. I'm pretty sure my body is just entirely confused. As I am no longer "pregnant" every month. I think it's a really fucked up thing to do to one's body over and over again for almost ten years, it could not have been healthy--though in my defense having a child would have been even more unhealthy--particularly for the child.

But anyway, yeah. I have never punched anyone before. One time though, a girl punched me in the forehead--I only slightly deserved it--the forehead was a terrible choice. I will not punch anyone in the forehead. I'm thinking right side jawbone.

I'm doing this in pure defense of my own honor.

Okay. I probably won't do it at all. I don't have it in me to hurt other people just because they're assholes. Cuz if I got punched every time I acted like an asshole... well. Yeah. I think I'd be pretty freaking deformed by now.

But the idea just sounds so, I don't know, exhilarating. Probably because it's the opposite of who I am... and maybe I need to be my opposite for a bit. Allow my evil side to escape, so it gets out and away from me?

I'll keep you all informed. I may need you to bail me out!

Whipped My Ass.

2011-11-10T07:11:00.003-07:00

Yesterday was Day 3 of my Roller Derby training. No, I'm not playing games yet. And no, I probably won't be for some time.

Yesterday I did crash hardcore though...over and over again.

And my wheel flew off my skate--but no worries, I didn't die!

I didn't really even get hurt, though the first fall was epic and had me not just crash, but flip over myself. No bruises to prove it, which I find rather sad.

I mean, what's a good fall without proof?

Maybe it's just an internal organ bruise--just what I need.

To be honest, I was kind of dreading going to practice; I think it's because I suck so much and hate sucking at things. I truly can't stand it. I want to immediately be good. And for some things I am, but most things, especially things involving wheels under my feet, I'm not.

But obviously being immediately good at everything is not how life works, at least not my life, no, in my life I have to work at it.

So.

I went and I improved--not drastically, but slightly and that's all I can do for now.

I am not dreading it anymore. I'm actually excited to see my improvement over time, and to do something for myself that physical, mental, and fun. I'm getting ripped, btw. And soon, I'll wear the booty shorts to prove it.

What's So Great About a Routine?

2011-11-09T07:48:00.004-07:00

As many of you may recall I quit birth control cold tofurkey back in late September.

I've been waiting for the day when I could get on here and say Aunt Flo is in the hizzy; but still, she has not came to visit.

I'm wondering if I should be freaking out? I am not freaking out. But I'm curious to find out when my body will get back on track, back into a pattern, perhaps when that happens I will too?

Routine would be nice. But also, my life doesn't really bend well to routine. Schedules are actually making me anxious. For example, roller-derby, twice a week, at very specific times; it's not the fact that I am putting my 150# body on 8 wheels and circling around on a cement floor as fast as I can, but that I have to do it at a designated time. That makes me nervous. Isn't that weird?

I don't know what's wrong with me.

I'm sure there are plenty of things.

Maybe I already mentioned this, but I would really love events to be like Netflix movies; you can pick the time and day you want to go; instead of them being "pre-scheduled" on specific dates. But, alas, life doesn't work that way.

If I was a better life-designer I'd invite a way.

But for now, I'll just keep waiting, period.

(One of the many reasons why I'd never wanna be knocked up)

Shift It All Into Place. A Better Place.

2011-11-08T08:36:00.004-07:00

So, my morning has sucked so far. For different reasons that are boring and trite. What I'm trying to figure out is if it's possible to turn a day that started off so sucky into a day that's awesome?

Because you know that feeling, like, when it all starts adding up, and the mood seems stuck?

Stuck in a muddle of irritating buzzes; deep sighs, silent screams.

Re-centering is the only way.

Or perhaps it's just the alignment of the stars and I should hide for the day?

Maybe I'll just do some back bends... that could shift everything.

Or at least shift my perspective.

(Also have you checked out my new website Aimless Cupid?)

It's Not About Love: Online Dating Adventures. (And Music Monday)

2011-11-07T08:10:00.000-07:00

I know many of you have been curious about my new online dating life. Well, the website is finally up, Aimless Cupid: They Shoot, But They Don't Score.

Meeting people in real life, not through online sites, works out much better. It's very difficult to tell if there is any chemistry based on our percent match, or questions we answered, or even how they look in pictures; just because they're cute and funny doesn't mean there will be any type of connection. It can actually be a downer, going into it thinking how they're so charming and clever online and then to meet in reality and discover they're actually awkward and boring. (I know this goes both ways).

Anyway. It's Music Monday too, so here's a little Fiona Apple to set the mood while you check out the new site!

My First Roller Derby Practice: Success!

2011-11-03T08:21:00.003-06:00

This was my first derby outfit.

It was not enough clothing. I, in fact, almost froze to death.

That's right. Death.

We play in a secret warehouse that has no heat. It's pretty much the most D.I.Y. sport I've ever ben apart of.

The secret of being a successful derby girl: duct tape, lots of duct tape. Really, you just have to wrap your entire body in duct tape and you're good to go.

Like my skates that I'm borrowing, full of holes and tears, but not after we fixed them up and turned them into ductskates.

Did I fall, you wonder?

No freakin way! I mean, I will, I totally will, a lot, but I did not last night. That's how good I am. And we also only skated for like 30 minutes, slowly.

The women are amazing. The skating is painful. The warehouse is creepy.

This is going to be good.

10 Quickies (Not the Kind You Think).

2011-11-02T15:27:00.004-06:00

1) I have been working all day long. This is an accomplishment.

2) I also washed my sheets.

3) And brought back my planner.

4.) I am on top of shit.

5.) I have yet to actually get dressed in clothing that people don't just sleep in. Like I could put on a bra maybe, or some jeans.

6.) But, I got work done. And I'm not stopping yet.

7.) Soon, I'll have finished a blog post, so I can cross that off my list.

8.) Roller Derby tonight. First time. I'll blog about it tomorrow, so you all know what happened. I can tell you ahead of time: I fall down.

9.) I met a cute guy. Or two.

10.) You want more don't you? Well, I'll fill you in later. When I know more. The ridiculous messages have slowed down. I think it helped that I removed certain "wants" from my profile. And I am no longer "fresh" or "new," me being on there a week now.

Abracadabra...in your pants.

2011-11-01T10:29:00.005-06:00

Last night I stole a ring from a magician.

Did you read that?

I stole. From a magician.

And now I have his super powers because it was all trapped inside this ridiculous ring.

He was not "dressed up" as a magician but being his "true" self, card tricks and all.

Halloween is weird.

Music Monday: You Can't Handle This. Mhhmm.

2011-10-31T09:13:00.003-06:00

Every day I think, today is the day that Robyn is finally going to get old. But then I listen to her and I fall for it again. It's like dance-crack. So, here's more Robyn for everyone's Music Monday.

And also, what do you think of me copying her hair cut? I've never bleached it out before. I'd probably look like crap. But, maybe I wouldn't.

Okay, Seriously...Cupid?

2011-10-30T17:20:00.007-06:00

I didn't realize that being single was actually going to be a full-time job. I understand now why long-term relationships happen--the game is ridiculous. I joined OK Cupid just for kicks and I got over 50 different dude messages in 2 days. 50 guys in 2 days. I bet there's a porn with that title somewhere. . . anyway. It's exhausting. And I haven't even gone on a date with any of them yet. I have though learned how to narrow it down.

Here are 10 reasons why I won't date you.

1) You have "dick," "sex," "lonely," "desperate," "horny," "psycho," some sort of animal, or some sort of combination of those words as your screen name.

2) You have a picture of yourself shooting a gun. Why do you think women like this? They don't.

3) You don't have a picture at all. Or you just have one and it's like a black and white close up of half of your face.

4) You ask to see me on my webcam.

5) This isn't a complete deal-breaker but, if you have a picture of yourself on a mountain, or climbing a mountain, or out on a trail...this is Boulder and that has become cliche.

6) You write a sentence that reads something like, "hey hot stuff, what u up to..." or "feeling frisky tonight?" etc.

7) You send me an incredibly long (or short) erotic fiction story.

8) You make some lame comment about some part of my body like, "I like the shape of your boobs."

9) You write sentences that just don't make sense.

10) You're ugly. (Oh yeah, I know that sounds really mean, but I know not every one thinks I'm attractive and I don't feel the need to act like physical attraction doesn't play a role in all of this.)

All of these things have happened AND more! Oh the single life, I still don't get how people do it.

(Here's an example...if you can read it)

My Boobs Do Not Need to Rest.

2011-10-25T09:02:00.003-06:00

Has anyone else tried to buy a bra lately?

It's ridiculous out there.

All I wanted was a basic black bra lightly padded/lined so my nipples wouldn't stick out of my sweaters like they like to do.

What were my options?

Pillows for my breasts.

That's right. All of the bras were so padded it would have been like a bed for my boobs.

I mean really?

This is fucked up in multiple ways--mainly the illusion of bigger breasts for no one's gain except maybe some creepo at a bar, cause once you take it off the real size will shine through. And what's the point really if every woman is wearing a bra that makes their boobs 2x larger, everyone would still have the same size, the only difference is we'd all seem so much bigger--the small boobs would still be smaller (even if they appeared larger).

Also, shirts. If you buy a bra that makes your boobs two to three times larger than they typically are, your shirts aren't going to fit like they used to.

What's wrong with breasts of all sizes? It would be really boring and unsexy if women all had 36Cs (that's me in case you want to buy me a non-pillow bra), and boobs probably wouldn't be as fascinating as they are in our society.

It just weirded me out.

Eventually I found one hidden amongst the inflated masses. So, at least some regular bras still exist. For now. No telling what they'll invent for our boobs' futures.

(Maybe we can invent a society that likes boobs... just as they are)

Music Monday: Watcha Do That For?

2011-10-24T08:32:00.005-06:00

It's been awhile since I've posted a Music Monday, but here it goes.

Ms. Lily Allen telling it like it is, again. Slightly old-school, but it really nails my current situation. And it made me smile. That evil sort of smile, I shouldn't be smiling. I am probably in no state to watch Revenge either but I still do that too. Muhaha. Cackle. Cackle.

Another Day Wasted By Germs.

2011-10-22T13:54:00.003-06:00

When I said nothing, I didn't literally mean "nothing." But that is exactly what's been happening the last two days. I've been in my woman-cave (aka woca) watching Netflix movies, drinking apple juice, and coughing. Lots of coughing. Which led to shots of Nyquil, which led to me sleeping like 14 hours in a row.

Now I'm freaking bored out of my skull, but way too tired to leave the woca and actually do something. I wouldn't know what to do anyway. The things that I'd want to do require so much energy, Occupy, Zombie Crawl, Drinking, Dancing, yeah. I can barely even type without almost falling asleep. I don't think I could ever handle getting really sick, a basic cold makes me completely over-dramatic.

Maybe if I take another nap, then get up and drink some espresso I'll be good to go.

Or perhaps the cold is just my body's way of telling me to stop. think. figure my freaking life out.

Ain't goin happen overnight. especially if that overnight includes sleeping pills.

Eventually though, eventually.

One of Those Really Boring Blog Updates That No One Really Cares About.

2011-10-20T09:37:00.003-06:00

I feel like I've been blogging more than I have, but I haven't. Nope, I have not been blogging at my usual pace of almost daily. What have I been doing you ask? Well, that's a really good question. One that deserves a really good answer.

I haven't been doing anything. Really. I've just been fucking around. I've barely been thinking, and I certainly haven't been spelling words correctly (this is a rare case).

And I want to let you all in on a little secret. I don't feel bad about it at all. That's right. You can take your plans, your goals, your to-do lists and shove them wherever you want to shove them because I'm over it.

I've been running, running, running trying to be "successful" and now instead I'm just going to be. Take it all buddhist-y if you want, that's fine, but don't read into that too much. I'm going to do one day at a time (not the AA way) and enjoy the experience of just living.

WHHHHHAAAAAATTT???

Crazy time.

(I've also considered helping these Occupy people get their shit together, but that would be like a goal....so, yeah.)

Here's a little throw-back tune for your pure enjoyment.

Why Vegans Aren't Afraid of a Zombie Apocalypse.

2011-10-17T08:01:00.005-06:00

Yesterday, a group of amazing people and I went to hear Melanie Joy speak. She's the author of Why We Love Dogs, Eat Cows and Wear Pigs.

A few hours later we went to a Haunted House.

I realized I can handle zombies and psychos much easier than say, baby pig castration.

Yeah, the Melanie Joy talk was much more frightening than Zombieland.

Because Zombieland is not real. And mega-meat-industry does take boy chickens by the barrel-full and suffocates them. Or puts the fuzzy yellow boy cuties through a grinder. That's right, a grinder. By the heap-fulls.

We often talk about the interlocking connections of oppression of this violence-dominanting society and how women and animals share similar power struggles, but what does it mean when males, by the millions are slaughtered for being worthless, for not being able to grow quickly enough to be eaten...or to be eaten quickly because babymeat is much more "tender?"

Dead baby boy chickens, dead baby boy cows, dead because they're not "useful." Only the best of the best can be part of this earth. Only the most genetically sound can grow into adulthood-- and that's just to get their sperm.

This is disgusting.

This is scary.

Maybe the Zombies aren't so frightening because I'm around them all the time anyway already.

Occupy Your Life. Or Just the Sidewalk for a Few Hours.

2011-10-13T10:53:00.005-06:00

Occupy.

That is what people are doing these days.

But also, some people aren't.

Do they have something better to do? I mean, you can record Gossip Girl for another day right? I'm just saying, finally, people are getting off of their fat asses and complaining loudly about the state of the country. Sure, complaining doesn't really do much, I know because I'm an experienced complainer, but it does do something. Which is better than nothing.

We're all talking about it aren't we? Okay, so protesting isn't the best solution. But I don't think a protest is about solutions, it's about speaking out that we need new ones, better ones, and we need them now. And we need people, many many people, to step up, provide them and carry them through.

Why not?

What could it hurt? I mean, besides the potential for a civil war or another red scare? It's time for change. And not just like nickels and dimes, real fucking paradigm shifting change.

Right?

If you've missed it; here's what they're talking about:

As we gather together in solidarity to express a feeling of mass injustice, we must not lose sight of what brought us together. We write so that all people who feel wronged by the corporate forces of the world can know that we are your allies.

As one people, united, we acknowledge the reality: that the future of the human race requires the cooperation of its members; that our system must protect our rights, and upon corruption of that system, it is up to the individuals to protect their own rights, and those of their neighbors; that a democratic government derives its just power from the people, but corporations do not seek consent to extract wealth from the people and the Earth; and that no true democracy is attainable when the process is determined by economic power. We come to you at a time when corporations, which place profit over people, self-interest over justice, and oppression over equality, run our governments. We have peaceably assembled here, as is our right, to let these facts be known.

They have taken our houses through an illegal foreclosure process, despite not having the original mortgage.

They have taken bailouts from taxpayers with impunity, and continue to give Executives exorbitant bonuses.

They have perpetuated inequality and discrimination in the workplace based on age, the color of one’s skin, sex, gender identity and sexual orientation.

They have poisoned the food supply through negligence, and undermined the farming system through monopolization.

They have profited off of the torture, confinement, and cruel treatment of countless animals, and actively hide these practices.

They have continuously sought to strip employees of the right to negotiate for better pay and safer working conditions.

They have held students hostage with tens of thousands of dollars of debt on education, which is itself a human right.

They have consistently outsourced labor and used that outsourcing as leverage to cut workers’ healthcare and pay.

They have influenced the courts to achieve the same rights as people, with none of the culpability or responsibility.

They have spent millions of dollars on legal teams that look for ways to get them out of contracts in regards to health insurance.

They have sold our privacy as a commodity.

They have used the military and police force to prevent freedom of the press. They have deliberately declined to recall faulty products endangering lives in pursuit of profit.

They determine economic policy, despite the catastrophic failures their policies have produced and continue to produce.

They have donated large sums of money to politicians, who are responsible for regulating them.

They continue to block alternate forms of energy to keep us dependent on oil.

They continue to block generic forms of medicine that could save people’s lives or provide relief in order to protect investments that have already turned a substantial profit.

They have purposely covered up oil spills, accidents, faulty bookkeeping, and inactive ingredients in pursuit of profit.

They purposefully keep people misinformed and fearful through their control of the media.

They have accepted private contracts to murder prisoners even when presented with serious doubts about their guilt.

They have perpetuated colonialism at home and abroad. They have participated in the torture and murder of innocent civilians overseas.

They continue to create weapons of mass destruction in order to receive government contracts. *

To the people of the world,

We, the New York City General Assembly occupying Wall Street in Liberty Square, urge you to assert your power.

Exercise your right to peaceably assemble; occupy public space; create a process to address the problems we face, and generate solutions accessible to everyone.

To all communities that take action and form groups in the spirit of direct democracy, we offer support, documentation, and all of the resources at our disposal.

Join us and make your voices heard!

Word!

When, Where, Why, What & How of the Day.

2011-10-10T09:08:00.007-06:00

Because some questions really need answers.

When?

Was it decided that Halloween would be the one time women could dress up overtly sexy and it be okay? Because it is only one day out of the year, this makes it so the costumes become jokes of material and substance and women instead are mocked. Not sexy. Obviously, there is also a deep level of objectification going on, but women (and men) (and everyone in between) have the right to feel and be sexy, however that looks/feels to them. And not just on Halloween.

Where?

Have all the cowboys gone?

They can stay there.

I mean seriously, is she serious?

Why?

Did it take people like hundreds of years to just now get off their asses and try to take care of this capitalism problem? Okay, so of course people have protested in the past but could Occupy Wall St. be the beginning of a new paradigm shift? One where people don't give a fuck about material possessions and care about people instead? Good Goddess I hope so.

What?

Is up with post-colonialism? I ask genuinely what is up in the field, it being Columbus Day and all and it being awhile since I've read any post-colonial theory. Send me links. And let's stop celebrating this stuff already.

How?

Do people go without sex for so long? I mean, there are people out there that haven't done it for weeks, months, years! HOW?!!?!?!? It's supposed to be on the same level of importance as eating. Eating!!! And most people don't have any problems doing that; in fact, I'm guessing plenty of people substitute eating for sex (considering the general obese problem of this nation) but I don't want to do that. I like food and everything, but seriously, if I do that I will not have much of a chance at any come-back. I need a plan here because I may not survive the drought.

Multiple Personalities Soon to Hit the Big Screen.

2011-10-07T10:21:00.002-06:00

How do you all feel about Lipface making a come-back?

I was thinking about turning her into a video blog about fashion. Cuz, she obviously knows what's up.

You can see the full photo series, Lipface Gets Crunk here.

I was also thinking about creating a whole new character, one where I have a pencil-thin mustache, and video blogging about art...and by video blogging I mean making fun of it (in a playful respectable way).

I'm probably going to need an editor (Katie I'm looking at you).

And if you have your own character we can do a show together--Like Joan and Melissa Rivers in the Fashion Police but better.

This could be awesome. It could be. It could.

(But I actually have to make it happen + buy more lipstick)

Oh, Good Grief And an Open Field.

2011-10-06T09:27:00.006-06:00

I'm sure most of you are or have followed the Amanda Knox story. On the news before the decision came out they kept repeating that if she were free the first thing she'd want to do is go sit in a big green field. Now of course, pundits are often insensitive assholes and will say things like, "isn't that a bit poetic? I mean, does she have a grip on reality here?" Etc.

But, I don't know, the idea seemed pretty nice to me. So off I went yesterday to find a field.

Luckily there is one like 3 blocks from my house, which is actually really amazing in Boulder since most large areas of land are just dried up dirt with the occasional weed poking through--it is a desert after all. I found a good one though, rolling green grass, a view of the mountains and wide open sky.

I always hope but never expect some profound idea to enter my brain when I do things like that. It didn't work yesterday but it was really good to go outside. It's the small steps.

See, those five stages of grief, I have a feeling I am going to go through them all and it scares me. I can handle being sad and I can really handle being angry, I mean I thrive in anger but being depressed is no good. I don't want to go there because I'm afraid I'll get stuck. And of course, I don't think that someone else should have that much control on how I am feeling. That's where the anger comes in. That's where sitting in a large open field and connecting with the outside world comes in. I may not have any profound ideas but knowing that I exist outside of my living space is important. At least to me. I'm sure getting a bit of sun helps too.

I promise to leave the house every day, even if it's just for a walk around the block.

Greif will not take me under.

The One Thing That Would Complete My Break-Up Recovery.

2011-10-05T15:07:00.005-06:00

While lounging on the couch watching the Soap Opera channel I discovered what would make this experience complete. And I really don't think I can get over this break-up without them.

Pajama Jeans.

It's like the illusion of being dressed, but not really. And I could sleep in them. Or not move around much in them. Oh, plus I wouldn't get that button imprint on my stomach (umm, if that is happening to you, you need bigger pants).

The advertisers claim that these "jeans" are sexy. I'm not really looking for sexy as much as I'm looking for functioning. Like, it looks like I'm functioning. Many people seem to not believe I am functioning well when I don't have pants on. But with pajama jeans I can trick them into it.

The best of both worlds. For everybody.

Oh, infomercials.

10 Random Thoughts: Garlic Breath, Bruises and Breakups.

2011-10-04T11:04:00.004-06:00

1) I have the grossest taste in my mouth I think ever. I've been dropping garlic down my throat like the cloves are potato chips trying to keep myself from getting this cold that's brewing. Garlic + garlic toast + coffee is nasty on the tongue. I do not recommend it.

2) I like literally cannot envision my future. I used to be able to, but now it's completely blank. I can barely even remember what I'm supposed to do today, I know I have to write an article. And some grants. And walk dogs. But other than that my life is plan-less. In a way, it's nice, but it's also the opposite of who I typically am. Guess, I'm not that girl anymore.

3) I've been watching a fuck-load of really bad television. Revenge, Pan-Am, X-Factor, Gossip Girl, Hart of Dixie, E News, CNN. What have I learned...well, if you pretend to be someone you're not you're in for some drama. But if you like drama, pretend to be someone you're not.

4) I've been thinking about bleaching my hair, Robyn style. But it seems like a lot of work. I mean, everything seems like a lot of work.

5) My foot is asleep. That happened really fast. Like, I put it up under my butt on the chair and within a minute it was tingling. Crazy bad circulation.

6) People keep talking about how it was just the Jewish New Year, and it's Fall, and how it's the perfect time for change. And I'm wondering if all of this break-up stuff happened because it's just the "perfect time for change," or because it was just time. And people are trying to be nice.

7) I want people to come and make me food (or bring me food) because I would eat, I swear Iwould eat, it's just that the making of it and then the sitting down and eating of it seems so dramatic, like it would take forever and I'd have to put so much effort into it. I think that's why I've been on such a liquid-y diet, all you have to do it pour it in glass (and sometimes I don't even have to do that).

8) I have probably a hundred bruises on my body. Every time I move stuff in large quantities like that I bruise all over, particularly on my legs where the boxes hit into my thighs. Plus I bump into a lot more stuff when I can't see over the load in my arms.

9) I want to find something new to do, like rock climbing or roller derby or long distance running or music making or kick boxing or gardening or working at some cute cafe/bar or stripping or creating a new vegan product for the market or riding unicorns, but I can't decide which.

10) Some of this may have sounded negative but I am telling you all I am moving forward in a positive light. Positive. I am positive. Not for any diseases but just, you know, excited for my blank-less future to be filled in, at whatever pace it wants to be.

5 Good Things About the South Side, Boulder.

2011-09-30T14:21:00.008-06:00

Well the move is almost done. Just a few more big things left and I'll be all set up on the South Side. What What. (I feel I should throw up some "gang" sign...but in Boulder, yeah, that ain't gonna happen.)

Here are 5 things I'm looking forward to about my new neighborhood.

5. The World Famous Dark Horse.

Yep. It's the one bar near here so that's where I'll be. Good thing it doesn't suck. The last time I was there we had a pretty cute server so I look forward to that.

4. Biking Everywhere.

I know what you're thinking, Krystal, biking everywhere, wtf? Well, I'm going to and I'm going to like it. It will keep me fit and partially sober. (And of course, save gas money/be nicer to the environment.)

(I still think my invention of a vibrating bicycle seat would be a hit in some niche fetish community--I'd like it anyway, though orgasming while riding could cause crashes; there'd have to be some sort of written warning.)

3. Puppies

I'm closer to the dogs I walk. AND I now live with 3. It's so nice to be around furry tail wagging creatures again. Even if this one particular dog needs to learn some manners. I'm talking to YOU black lab Marley.

2. Sprouts.

It's like the only fresh produce market I can afford in Boulder and it's only blocks from my new home. Yay! I can buy less more often. Fresher. Healthier. Yummier.

1. Trails.

I went for a walk/run earlier and the trails around the south side are ridiculously nice. I'm so excited to start running regularly around here. Especially now that it's fall and all the leaves are changing. Today was the perfect weather. I mean. Perfect. I'm going to go back out now!

Word Up South Side. I hope you're ready for me, cause here I am!

This is Really Terrible, But It's All I Got Right Now.

2011-09-29T12:51:00.003-06:00

(Soon my song Gyllenhaal Sandwich will be out on the market, keep a look out)

Enjoy the stream:

My nail is slightly broken and I keep filing it through my teeth trying to smooth it out. I don’t know where anything is. It’s a jumbled mess and it’s not over. Messes. Menses. Not yet but soon I’m sure. Tree life plant life lean life fo. For real. It’s cold. Not freezing. Actually just right except my hands are ice. Ice. Ice. So nice. In a glass of water. Cut off. Stand off. No thought. Just go. Have you gone, or will you go and when if you have not? Finding mysteries. Real life not books. Books are better than real life. Sometimes. This nail really irritates me. I need to get laid. Laid. Like someone laying lying on top of me. Or the other way. Or sideways. Either ways. It will have to be a woman cuz I’m off the pill for real. Thank the goddess. She’s smiling down. And I’m centering myself and the world will soon be mine. That’s probably true, they probably put other drugs in pills to keep women from being fully successful. Idk. If that were true more lesbians would be successful. Not like there aren’t any. All she wants to do is dance and make romance. Maybe not romance. Maybe just straight up sex. It’s like before when I could get it whenever I wanted it I wasn’t tempted. Maybe I’m just turned on by the challenge. The risks. The possibility of rejection. Though I like to think it would be difficult to say no to this. But people have. And it’s been their loss. Lost. They were lost. But it’s okay. Not their fault. Jake Gyllenhaal, the only guy I’d fuck. Or maybe someone who looked just like him. And he wore a condom. Though I still get high school worried about that stuff. Like let’s go ride some roller coasters and drink wine coolers just in case. Just in case you haven’t noticed. I never run late. The wheels of fate of told me what? Go with the flow. Be the flow. Follow no. no way. Lead the way, not today but after coffee. I will find a file. I will be filed under ____________? I’m sure only the government knows. Though I doubt I’m on their watch list. But wouldn’t that be cool? I’m not revolutionary enough, I’d like to be. Be the change, blah blah. Better than asking for change I guess...and I mean that in more than one way. Off to work she says. Off to work. Work. Why do we do that? What is the point? I discovered a good point about myself last night, but I need more time to dwell on it, to make sure it’s right. In the meantime, kisses and wishes for a future full of clean dishes.

Having a Chat With My High School Self.

2011-09-28T09:09:00.003-06:00

Sometimes I wonder if I was intuitively smarter or more honest with myself, and life in general, when I was younger. Or if I just didn’t get it.

For example, while packing up my stuff I came across this picture of me back in high school. I was wearing a shirt that on the front said, “Boy Troubles?” and on the back said, “Just Dump Him.” Now, that seems easy enough right? It seems like a smart solution.

Trouble. Solved.

But I’m pretty sure I bought that shirt before “love” entered the picture. And love just completely fucks things up now doesn’t it?

Not that it’s bad—all the time—just that it changes one’s perceptions of reality.

I woke up this morning, not too long ago, and realized that last night was the last time I’d sleep in my bed in this apartment. (And the last time I’d sleep in my own bed for a few months too).

I realized how much work lay ahead of me—not just the general packing up of all my shit (and there is a lot of shit), but emotional work. The working of “getting over it.”

And it is rather annoying—all of it.

I’m tired of being nice about it. I’m tired of being P.C. I’m tired of doing all the work.

But, I guess that’s just the way it will be. Soon I won’t be tired anymore because it will all be over. Yay!

A part of me does wish for those youthful simple solutions. Non-complications. But I wouldn't have really grown much as a human if that's how I approached life (and men); and acting like a 16 year old when I'm 26 doesn't seem fair to anyone including myself.

Sandra Cisneros says something like, when you're five you're still four, you're still three, two, one. You are all of those experiences. So maybe having a little bit of my 16-year-old self shine through occasionally isn't so bad--as long as it's the carefree, strong-headed part.

(I'll throw in a bit of my 5-year-old self too cause dancing in costume is always fun)

To troubles solved and new beginnings.

Baby Got Back Falling Out and Shit.

2011-09-27T10:27:00.006-06:00

(I really enjoy how this model is holding kale next to her butt... It makes sense, I'm sure, somewhere,)

This other incident happened yesterday while I was attempting to hike. Again it was super hot out and I had just biked all the way there, which I guess it's that far but it's an uphill angle the entire time. I hopped off my bike, sweaty, trying to pull myself together; right when I did these dudes in this big SUV drove by and one dude so graciously yelled out the window at me, "your butt is falling out."

Yes. From the road, and for only like 5 seconds it took to pass, the dude was able to notice that my butt cheeks were not entire covered by my shorts. And he felt the need to comment on it.

Guess what dude? My arms were falling out of my tank top. My neck was falling out of my collar. My legs were falling out of my short holes. Or maybe it was hot out and nothing was falling out of anything. I was just wearing whatever the fuck I wanted to wear regardless of anyone else's approval.

And, does a little bit of butt really bother people that much? Obviously he was just making an observation. But it seemed like he wanted to make me feel embarrassed, instead I am slightly pissed and annoyed that our culture is so puritanical and yet obsessed with sex.

We can't have both ways. Having it both ways causes confusion and lots of stupid shit to happen.

So I pick the sex positive way, and that includes accepting, loving and being at peace with our own bodies.

I bike and hike up mountains. I have a nice ass. And if it "falls" out occasionally... well, good, it fucking should. Why should it have to hide just because other people are scared?

Sometimes the Rock Just Disappears.

2011-09-26T15:59:00.009-06:00

Earlier today I attempted to go on a hike. I rode my bike the 10ish blocks there and preceded up Mt. Sanitas--one of the rockier, longer trails near my place--the hiking pros claim it's "moderately strenuous." Basically because it's like a literal staircase the entire way.

I realized today that it's not always about getting to the top.

And that Mt. Sanitas is only moderately strenuous for regular people. I am not a regular person right now. I am actually a zombie.

The truth, I was trying to hike up it at the hottest time of the day with the sun beating down on me after realizing I hadn't really eaten anything all day, again.

I kept stopping in the shade to catch my breath because every few steps I'd get dizzy and feel like I was going to throw-up. Good times, I know.

But it was a good time. Because it allowed me to realize how we are all interconnected. That, we all exist in the universe for a reason and we all impact each other whether it's on a small scale or larger.

For example, while resting in the shade on an uncomfortable jagged rock I saw this dude running down the mountain. Running. In like 85+ degree heat. It was at the sight of him that I began an inner dialogue:

"Fuck that guy," I thought.

Then right away I realized how rude that was, it wasn't his fault he could run down the mountain and I couldn't even walk up it. So instead in my head I was like: "No, I take it back. Good for him. Good for him for being able to run down the mountain."

Then.

He ate it.

Hard.

Yep, right in front of my eyes he was standing up and then he wasn't. And then he was.

I was like, OMGoddess, my bad thought caused him to fall! Which obviously isn't true--or is it?

I asked him if he was okay and he was like, "Yeah, the rock just disappeared."

And then I was relieved because it wasn't me at all, it was a magical rock. One that was there and then wasn't and had nothing to do with me. Or did it?

Maybe I caused the rock to be magical and disappear? Do people have that kind of power? Do I? It's highly unlikely.

But then, I was sitting there and this fly was buzzing around my head and I said, "go away, go away." Guess what? The fly went away. Yeah, and it didn't just happen once, when I moved to a different rock the same thing occurred again. Usually flies never listen to me, so maybe the Universe really knew that I didn't need a fly swarming around my head while I was trying to think.

Which was the entire point of going out into the wilderness anyway--to get some perspective--and that I did.

All in all, the adventure didn't really help clarify any immediate issues in my life but it did help reinforce the idea that it will all work out, as long as I believe it will.

And I should probably not think mean things about people cause they might come true...(and I don't want people thinking mean things about me!)

And Now There Can Really Be No Babies. Yay!

2011-09-25T13:01:00.004-06:00

Today was my first day birth-control-pill free. I am super excited to be off those destructive pretend-to-be-pregnant-every-month / make-me-super-hormonal-crazy things.

I think it's a really good decision particularly since I am no longer having sex with men. That's right, this (me) is a dick-free zone--so boys park it some place else. What? Word! You heard me.

I know what some of you are thinking--yeah right, there is no way that someone who's loved men for so long can just up and quit.

But I'm telling you, I can. And one way I for sure will make this happen is by knowing I have no personal protection from se(men).

In case you're really confused and didn't get the memo my partner of five+ years and I have recently split. I mean, he fucked up big time, to say the least. And now I'm in mourning/confused/angry/excited/scared/numb.

Yeah, I think right now I'm really numb and not quite sure what to do with myself.

But I know what I am not doing. I'm not going to keep feeding my body hormones. And I'm not going to have sex with men.

So, there's that.

At least there's that.

(Isn't this creepy?)

Music Monday: I've Got My Own Hell to Raise.

2011-09-19T16:44:00.003-06:00

I've recently been going through a lot of personal drama which has prevented me from being able to blog. Obviously, it's difficult to write about anything besides the drama because it's like the one thing on my mind constantly and anything else that I might blog would just feel trivial to me.

But, it's not appropriate for me to get into in virtual space. I will say though that I would be dead without music.

I am almost entirely certain of it.

I especially do not think I could have made it through my life without Fiona Apple. And I am entirely grateful to have had her music in my life. She, more than any artist, has helped me make it over some major issues.

And, since it's Monday, and I try to regularly put music on here on this day, here's a little of her that I share with you.

(This helps express part of what I'm feeling, though not the entirety.)

Oh, Sweet Country of Mine, Why? Why?

2011-09-13T18:17:00.003-06:00

I'm at the airport. Waiting for take-off. I can't believe I had no time to blog pretty much the entire time I was home. I guess there is more to do in Kansas than people think! Lots of people to see anyway.

I've been kind of tense lately. I'm not sure why. Maybe I've just been drinking too much caffeine.

What I really think it is though, is television. There is something to netflix and commerical-freedom.

I've watched a lot of crap while I was home mostly in pure amazement that they even exist to begin with. But I think that what drives me the craziest is the news.

Maybe it's because it's another mega-political season, but the stuff going on is just plain moronic. I cannot believe these are the people we've all selected as representative of the United States. It's disturbing.

The HPV thing just exemplifies it perfectly.

Besides the politicians saying ignorant things, news sources just shouldn't give them this type of attention. These people really should never have made it where they have and it's not entirely their fault.

AHH. I have more but I gots to go get on a plane.

More later.

Peace.

Random Bedtime Thoughts: Like a Journal But Worse.

2011-09-07T21:49:00.004-06:00

I feel like Frankenstein's monster; I have two zits right on my jaw line like bolts in my neck. Too much salt (like literally some people are allergic and it makes them break out, fyi).

That's what Kansas is like, bad food.

And mean cute dogs that nip at my toes and fingers. Or more specifically, one cute dog, that is actually a demon in disguise. Okay. She's just a puppy, but still. When did I become the chew toy?

Also, Kansas is really tiring. It's like 10 p.m. my time (mountain time) but like 11 here-- either way, I shouldn't be tired, but all I want to do right now is sleep. I'm wondering how I'm even typing at this moment.

I saw my friend's baby today. Maybe the next time I will have the courage to hold her. Babies scare me. But at least I can acknowledge my fears.

When I'm in the middle of nowhere I always wonder what everyone else is doing with their lives and if they even remember me.

Also, are they worth remembering?

Some people very much are.

Well. Redlight on my computer, that means night night for me.

Okay. Well, enough about me, here's a song to entertain you until I am more awake to write.

Music Monday: I'm Not Anything At All.

2011-09-05T08:46:00.000-06:00

I love her. I'm so excited she's coming to Boulder in October AND coming out with a new album. Wohoo. Happy Holiday Music Monday.

(You don't mean that, say you're sorry. (I'll make you sorry).)

KanYes!

2011-09-04T07:50:00.000-06:00

So, today, Sunday, I am road-tripping back with my dad, all the way through the lovely state of Kansas... home. I feel incredibly privileged--but not in that white upper class capitalist way--(as that would be difficult not being upperclass and all) but privileged in that I have and have always had some place to call "home." A place to go back to and feel comfortable and happy to be surrounded with not just familiarity but family.

Because it has been my experience it's been hard for me to realize many other people don't have similar relationships with "home."

(I was f-ing cute huh? hahaha)

And of course, it's different now, going back, and not staying, but the feelings are pretty much the same.

Like I can't wait to sit outside at my grandparent's house and drink beer and listen to my grandpa sing Black Eyed Peas or Blue Moon or whatever the latest coolest songs are out there that I'm out of the loop on.

Or go for a walk down the gravel road and see how the fields have and have not changed.

Or go into Garnett and "run" into people I haven't seen in forever but could never forget and it's like I haven't really been away at all.

And even though my parents have completely demolished my room and turned it into a closet (yes it has always been only as big as a closet) the house itself still represents so much to me--safety, love, hope.

It's cheesy, but sometimes cheesy feels real good (I mean, not literal cheese, me trying to be vegan and all, but yeah.)

I'm excited to chill with my family (and I hope my old friends).

I Hope You're Not Here to Traffick Us.

2011-09-02T10:54:00.005-06:00

I'm not really sure how I ended up outside a bar last night, but there I was, with other people who were unlocking their bikes; we were all heading home. But then, these two Romanian guys came up to us and started saying how one of us looked too Eastern European, the other too American, and me, well I was perfect (HAHAHA I know, they seriously said that)-- I looked French.

French.

WTF?

Anyway, the whole thing was really freaking weird, but then it got weirder. I am about 87% sure that those dudes were human traffickers. And that they were wanting to abduct me and take me back to Romania to be a "dancer."

Why do I think this? Because they literally asked me if I wanted to go back to Romania with them and be a "dancer."

I truly hope they were just drunk and fucking around because if that was their true intent then that is really creepy and scary. And if it is true and they keep it up I hope other women here in Boulder (or anywhere) don't find the offer alluring, because that could end up being the most frightening journey of any American Girl's life. Prostitution and slavery in Romania.

Well, being a part of that anywhere (including women from all over the world who end up doing that here) would be frightening, being somewhere unfamiliar with no one familiar having to fuck men so other people get paid. Yikes.

Yikes. Yikes.

Please Stick to the Rivers and the Lakes That You're Used To.

2011-09-01T07:38:00.000-06:00

You know, people ruin a lot of things, but there is one thing they ruin more than anything--Waterfalls. That's right.

Yesterday I was at the car wash vacuuming out my car because the fishbowl that was holding all the Sir Richards condoms at the After Party decided to shatter into a million pieces all over my backseat. Great, I know. The car wash that I was at is located on the very edge of town and I knew if I kept going on that road I'd get to Boulder Falls.

I thought, shit, I live in f-ing Colorado, I'll just go sit at a waterfall and gather my thoughts, relax, find some peace and quiet. Bahaha. Bahahaha. Bah. That. Did. Not. Happen.

It was a Wednesday, the middle of the afternoon, during the school year--don't people have jobs? Aren't they in school? Why were they there? And I know-- I was there so why am I being such a freaking hypocrite. Here's why. I was there, sitting calmly, taking in the scenery. They were there yelling and being overtly obnoxious.

Their actual presence has gotten me to question why people are so fascinated with waterfalls to begin with. I mean, it's just a stream splashing down a cliff. The sound must subconsciously remind us of being in the womb or something. I mean, yes, it's beautiful and the mist feels really good, but they seem to have all turned into major tourist traps..."trap" may not be the right word. All I know is it did nothing to ease my mind.

Not to mention the fact that some tourists were being a-holes when I was trying to leave my parking spot--they literally turned in right behind me because they saw I was backing out but then gave me no space to move out of their way so they could have it. Yeah. Really. Smart.

I feel like I may have complained about this before... hmm. Well, my suggestion to the general public (though I know the general public would never read this blog) would be when attending a waterfall please keep your mouth shut. Pretend you're at a library, but like a nature library, and you have to be quiet so not to disturb your surroundings.

Just an idea.

Your Poor Poor Car and it's Sad Sad Stickers.

2011-08-31T07:33:00.000-06:00

I've decided that I hate bumper stickers. All--bumper stickers. I find them obnoxious, distracting, and rather pointless.

In fact, I think bumper stickers are worse than tattoos. That's right. Why? Because people are often careless with what they're sticking on their cars, but they usually think it over a bit more when it comes to their body4life.

I mean, seriously Boulder--I don't need you to tell me to "co-exist," I really just need you to use your freakin blinkers.

I don't need to know your kid is smart or your dog is your god or that you love drinking Avery or Boulder Beer or that you might be behind the wheel angry mad crazy sad.

Want to individualize your car with bumper stickers? May I ask why? Are you so insistent on people knowing your identity without them ever meeting you personally that you need to plaster it all over your car?

I've seen some really dedicated bumper-sticker-cars out there--and that I can almost accept more than those vehicles, those sad sad vehicles that have just one. One measly bumper sticker that seems to really have nothing to do with anything. Like some business went out and got the car while the driver wasn't looking. Those are the ones I don't get at all.

I'm probably just really bitter right now about all the bad drivers moving around in the same city I'm trying to get around in, perhaps I'll get over my bumper sticker hatred soon... like when people here learn how to drive. So, I guess what I'm saying is, don't count on it.

Yeah...don't you love it when someone else's car tells you what to do! Wohoo.

Faking It: Middle Schoolers Interpretation of Adulthood.

2011-08-30T10:42:00.004-06:00

We live pretty close to a middle school and yesterday we witnessed quite the performance art scenes.

First a large group of middle school boys kept fake fighting each other of the street. They threw gang signs around and circled in on one boy and "pretend" kicked him. Over and over. Of course they were doing this right on the side of one of the biggest intersections in town, eventually, they got what they wished for. Someone called it in and a police car showed up. They all played innocent and nothing happened, their bus showed up and they all got on. It was quite the entertainment.

About thirty minutes later a group of middle school girls sat waiting for the bus--all in sports uniforms. We started hearing loud moaning, when I looked out the window one of the girls was "fake" stripping on the bus stop pole.

So the boys want to fight and the girls want to fuck.

Or, they are just a reflection of our societies expectations. Neither of the groups realized it I'm sure, but they were obviously products of our environment, directly influenced by the mainstream culture. And the fact that they were separated by gender is telling of how we treat people going through puberty.

I don't know, I found the whole thing fascinating. (Ryan taped a bit of the "fighting" but I don't have it uploaded yet). Anyway, I'm looking forward to some more entertainment today, though I'm sure the boys will be better behaved since "the man" came and had a word with them.

Don't Have Any Fun on my Watch.

2011-08-29T13:19:00.004-06:00

I have to admit I'm a bit sad today.

Last night I put on the PrideFest After Party and it would have been really nice to see more familiar faces.

Of course I met a lot of new awesome folks--but I could have really used the support. I guess I'm just having a hard time understanding why it's so difficult for people to show up to stuff.

I think I might have like a masochistic personality or something. I put on events all the time and every time people act really excited about it prior and then...nothing.... and the worst part for me is that I KEEP DOING IT. I don't get it.

It's a lot of stress, a lot of energy, a lot of time. And then I get disappointed.

Again, I am really grateful for everyone who did come out and especially grateful for all the help I got--particularly from Ryan who ran Sound all night, amongst other things.

I guess I'm just trying to figure out if I should bother with it anymore. Not just the organizing of my own events but the attending of other events as well. It's like a real immature mental reaction--they don't come to mine, I don't go to theres'. It's lame.

Bitter. Would be a good word. But I don't want to be bitter. I just want everyone I know to come out and have a fun time.

What's wrong with me?

I woke up with three new bruises, one new bleeding cut, covered in glitter, hungry, with a headache and other people don't want that... why?

I May Be Your Desire But I am Not Your Object.

2011-08-23T11:25:00.003-06:00

Yesterday I was out on Pearl Street.

Yes. I was wearing a lower-cut shirt.

Yes. I was even wearing a skirt.

And okay, I was bending over to tape one of my After Party posters on a pole.

But I don't think it's okay for some random old man to take my picture. Which he did.

Then he proceeded to go around to the other side of the pole to take a picture from another angle, cuz I cause the cleavage shot wasn't enough for him. Of course, I stood up and hide behind the pole so he couldn't do it.

But I should not have had to do that at all!

I don't think I'd even be comfortable with a close friend taking that picture. Though if it was a close friend, they wouldn't. Because they wouldn't need to and they'd know it would make me uncomfortable. (I would hope anyway.)

Plus. Isn't it just weird?

Why did that guy think he could do that? I mean, it's obvious if he had asked I would have said no. But if he knew the answer would be no, then, well, maybe he should have known not to do it at all.

A-hole.

I am not some masturbatory object to add to your fetish image collection of young women putting up posters (or whatever you're into.)

Ugh.

Music Monday: Who You Dancin With?

2011-08-22T07:51:00.000-06:00

OMGodess. I think I may be in love with this song. But it could be because I am often dancing on my own (except for the other night when I was dancing with many people). But anyway. Even though it's pop it still feels raw, like she really means it. Which, is kind of sad, but I think we've all been there, right? Right?

Why Won't These Songs Go Away, Naturally?

2011-08-19T07:43:00.003-06:00

There is a mashup of 4 relatively bad songs stuck in my head. Mmmbop (Hanson), My Lovin (En Vogue), Tale as Old as Time (Beauty and the Beast soundtrack) and some country love song that I don't know the name or artist to. They keep like smashing into each other in my brain--which could be a sign that it is near explosion.

I believe scientists should invent a remedy to cure song-stuck. I'm surprised pharmaceutical companies are not all over it.

If this movie isn't about gender roles I want to know what is, gross. I don't even understand how this song--out of all the songs in the world--ended up in my brain. The other ones make sense, as there is a karaoke connection, but this one? WTF.

9 Random Thoughts: Hoops, 90's Women's Power, and more.

2011-08-18T10:44:00.004-06:00

Even more random thoughts (because I've been randomly thinking lately)

1) Hula-hooping is hard. It's also hard to spell. Personally I would have given it two oo's but I guess the u will do. I didn't realize until I was doing it and it was falling to the ground over and over that you're actually supposed to move front to back, not swirl your hips like a hooker on a bad date. But I'm pretty sure the hula-hooping helped me not be so hungover today. Funny how that works.

2) A friend is sleeping on our couch. I can hear him snore and I'm like 4 rooms away. I would hate to be his g/f, put a sock in it or something.

3) I hit my knuckle on the bottom of a pool. It hurts really bad. I don't get why this tiny cut hurts so bad. It probably has weird bacteria floating around in from the hot tube I was sitting in later that night.

4) I'm pretty sure Ryan just came into this room to fart. Cuz now he's not in the room anymore and it smells like a skunky dirty diaper. That was incredibly rude. And now everyone else knows about it, what revenge, yes.

5) En Vogue. What happened to them? Actually what happened to all the 90's women-power bands? It's like all these amazingly strong songs about equality and awesomeness came out, then it didn't change the world like they thought and now we just have Lady Gaga babbling about being a freak. Woopty doo. (Or it was just a marketing campaign during the GIRL Power era idk I was like 8.)

6) It's still hot out. Is it hot where you are? I mean, like I could use a fan in here.

7) You have the right to loose control. According to En Vogue. You also ain't ever gonna get it. Wow. This is a lame thought.

8) I'd like to give Boulder citizens a lesson in driving/parking. Like a refresher course. If I were a cop I'd pull over the a-holes that never use their blinkers and the people who park in parking lots half-assed. But. That's just me. I enjoy traffic rules--because they keep me from WRECKING MY CAR. But I guess other people don't really care about that.

9) My brain hurts from trying to think of more random thoughts. Guess I didn't have as many as I thought.

10 Random Thoughts: Garbage. Yes. Mostly on Garbage.

2011-08-16T09:00:00.004-06:00

10 Random Thoughts!

1) Do Garbage Collectors start out incredibly early in the morning because they are bitter and pissed off that they collect garbage for a living? And do they have the loudest engines and beeping beepers they can possibly possess just for added acknowledgment to the rest of the us that they are out there? We get it. You collect garbage. We're a trashy society. Now please, let me sleep in a bit longer.

2) Why is it that I can never find recipes I already cooked from? And then when I go looking for said recipe again it has magically disappeared off the face of the internet. I didn't think anything really disappeared off the face of the internet. But I guess recipes do.

3) Ryan puts hairspray in his hair. Hairspray smells funky. It ruins my coffee drinking.

4) I am actually not in a bad mood as the last few random thoughts may lead you to believe.

5) I can't watch Ryan eat. Still. After five years. I am amazed at the amount of crap he can put in his mouth at once (and by crap I mean food).

6) As I was saying, I am not in a bad mood. I don't really even care about the garbage trucks that much because my hangover woke me up way before they did. They're just loud. Which I find completely unnecessary. I'm not really that hungover either. So that's exciting news.

7) I think women need a new style of underwear. Has anyone seen that c-string? It's like a wired g-string. That's right, a g-string made out, instead of string, wire. Who the fuck thought that would be a good idea? Seriously. A man had to be behind that design. I think someone should come out with women boxers. Like the opposite of spanx. Just let everything hang where it wants to hang.

8) Ryan is paranoid that I am writing about him.

9) Hahaha.

10) Could somebody find me something delicious to do with kale that doesn't involve making them into chips?

Music Monday: Stroking it Hard.

2011-08-15T10:26:00.002-06:00

Why is their music so upbeat and yet their lyrics are so depressing? I don't get it. But maybe they enjoy being contradictory.

Anyhoo. Here's some music for this sunny sunshine-y Monday.

6 Thoughts on the Girl with the Dragon Tattoo Series.

2011-08-11T11:12:00.003-06:00

Okay. So I didn't reach my goal of reading all three Girl With the/Girl Who series in three weeks. I was off by two days. And I still haven't watched the final movie but here are some of my thoughts anyway.

1) Is it weird to anyone else that the author, Stieg Larsson, just happened to die after turning in his manuscripts? Seems like there might be a conspiracy theory there.

2) Speaking of the author, after finishing all three, I felt I had just completed reading some dude's fantasy--like all of these characters were manifestations of who he wanted to be but wasn't--particularly Blomkvist.

3) The guy who plays Blomkvist in the movies is really unattractive. I find it in no way believable that he's a playa'.

4) The books make me want to take up boxing.

5) It's hard not to love Salander but who she loves/fucks is a bit weird. Like, I understand being attracted to people regardless of gender--but usually it's not such a all-encompassing list. For example, thinking both Maggie and Jake Gyllenhaal are hot--that makes sense, but fucking a 16 year old boy, than a 23 (whatever) year old woman, then by the end fucking all those old men. It seems strange that she doesn't have a type at all and just likes to screw whoever (hence why I felt it turned into an authorial fantasy).

6) They weren't bad reads, I'll give them that. They resonate which I find shocking. Usually books that are super duper popular are duds to me, but these were fun. Maybe because the main character was a kick-ass woman and there were underlying messages of polamory and ending violence against women.

I'm Not Complaining, But. . .

2011-08-09T10:34:00.004-06:00

I finally got where I wanted. Both of my degrees are being put to use in the non-profit I'm working for and the paper I'm writing at. I have jobs.

This is what I've been trying to get to all my life-- a good job working for something I believe in and want to make better. Helping women who have cancer become mothers isn't a bad job. It is at least a meaningful job.

And yet I feel scared.

Scared that now I am where I have been trying to get with no immediate new goals in mind and that I might get stuck in a routine where I become boring and bored.

Especially with Ryan. Becoming. Emerging. He'll soon be jet-setting around the world making massive installation pieces in fancy gallery spaces and I'll be like, send me a postcard if you have a minute and he won't. Have a minute that is.

I mean, I also feel happy that I have succeeded in my goals. And I should probably just take some time to relax and enjoy being where I am right now before deciding what my next big-time goal will be. I just don't want to settle. If I don't have a new big-goal now will I have the time, energy, desire to have one later? I've never not had one. And that's what worries me most.

Smooth Moves: Another Bar Experience.

2011-08-06T14:14:00.005-06:00

I was 'Round Midnight after midnight watching mating rituals from my usual perch above the dance floor. Somehow I became a part of the story without really trying or really wanting it to happen. I was standing next to this Indian dude wearing a Slipknot shirt. He leaned over.

To me: "Why aren't you dancing?"

"Why aren't you dancing?"

"Do you want to dance?"

"There are so many women out there already for you to choose from."

"I don't want to dance with just some random girl."

"I'm a random girl; we've never met before, I'm just as much a stranger as anyone else here."

"But the only way to make someone not random is to try."

"True. But I think I'll stay a stranger."

Sad face.

Man, that was awkward. I should have told him to buy me a drink and I'd think about it. Dang! Pretty sure he didn't try to dance with anyone else that night. Now I feel bad.

Just so men are aware, rejecting you isn't easy for us either.

Rabbit Talk.

2011-08-05T07:35:00.001-06:00

(they blend in well don't they?)

We used to have two pet backyard rabbits, Nibbles and Bert. Nibbles always was nibbling, obviously and Bert had a uni-brow like you know, Bert and Ernie from Sesame Street. Well, now unibrow Bert is gone, but there are still TWO bunnies and all they do is nibble! I can't tell the difference. I feel lousy. I feel like the real Nibbles must be pissed at me for calling the other rabbit by its name. I don't know what to do.

I'm going to have to sit out and watch them more closely until I can tell the difference again.

Silly rabbits. Messin with my brain.

Photography Series: Leftovers

2011-08-04T19:22:00.011-06:00

It all started with this sign. Then I went for a walk around the block and found so much more.

"Now what do I do with this baby?"

"You can Only Park Here if You live Here"

"OMG!!! I didn't realize we had this much stuff!?!"

"And then there was NoLight"

"Insomnia"

"The American Way"

"Leftovers"

"Cleaned Out"

"Going Away For Awhile"

How Dance is Changing Lives: Leaning Crescent Pose Into a Shimmy

2011-08-02T08:52:00.003-06:00

I can't decide if I should be happy or sad.

A part of me is sad because I am not the only one.

A part of me is happy because, in a way, I have found a community of people who are a lot like me.

Yoga Dancers.

That's right. I thought I was the only one who mixed yoga with dance moves, but I discovered differently at Titwrench over the weekend.

Almost everyone was doing it!

It seriously may be the best thing for one's body--you get the high calorie burn with strength and flexibility mixed in.

Come on Tony Horton where's your Extreme 90 minute Yoga/Dance DVD?

Maybe I should make a video. . .

I could be like the next Jane Fonda (a personal idol).

And/or rich.

Which would be amazing.

Hmmm....

The only problem is there isn't like a routine or anything, you just go with the flow, interpreting moves based on the beat. Still. There could be a market for it. (Maybe there already is and I'm just out of the loop?)

I Need a New Crush.

2011-08-02T00:07:00.000-06:00

I don't know how anyone else feels about crushes, but I love them. I think I enjoy having crushes more than having actual relationships. Why? Because crushes can be everything you imagine them being and more! Real relationship have harsh realities, such as incompatibility, terrible discussions regarding Foucault or Steven King or why bell hooks doesn't capitalize her name--or the person could have a bad smell or be like sexually anorexia or something. But crushes, crushes are always fun.

And I haven't had a good crush in awhile.

Jake Gyllenhaal you are not doing it for me any more.

(okay...maybe doing it for me a little still.)

Jakey-poo, I am sorry. You are attractive and those dimples are freaking ridiculous, and those puppy dog eyes... but come on! It's been like almost ten years now. TEN YEARS!!!!

It's time for a change.

I considered James Franco for awhile--mainly because of that shit-eating-grin of his (that's what they call it in Kansas) but then I read this article on how he's like an ego-maniac and I was like, duh. Over it.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not just here looking for a new celebrity crush; I like to have real-life-people crushes too. (I'd name past ones but they might read this and feel weird around me so I'll just keep those to myself).

But...

If you're in my real-life, wink at me or something and I'll figure out if I want to crush on you or not.

This also works for friend-crushes. I remember the excitement and thrill of meeting and finally hanging out with Lizz (name droppin, what). I didn't like fantasize about her or anything, but I had extra energy in my life because I had met someone who was soooo cool (and still is).

I'd like that. Again.

Though really a celebrity or real-life (non-friend) crush crush would be super amazing.

Who's hot right now?

Who should I crush on?

Thoughts, suggestions, and/or resumes would be appreciated.

Is it Hot in Here or is it Just Me?

2011-07-22T08:06:00.005-06:00

It's hot.

Wow. I'm pretty disappointed in myself for all the lack of blog writing, but I'm not going to feel guilty--it's summer anyway. But of course I do feel a little guilty only because I write it on a planner and then I can't cross it off, which drives me nuts. I also write down "learn spanish" and "workout" and those two things rarely happen either. Ha. I've even been getting up earlier to get everything done and yet I never quite do it. Perhaps I'm adding too many things to my list.

It's been really hot in my apartment, so hot that it makes me feel nauseous and gives me a headache. Most people would leave for cooler places, but it's so hot the thought of walking out in it makes me unable to move. I just lay here and groan. It's quite the site.

It's so hot that I can't even think about eating; hours upon hours go by then I realize I'm starving--yet I still don't want to eat anything because of all the effort I'd have to put into it.

Don't get me wrong, it's not like I just sit here doing absolutely nothing, I've just have limited my activities to the bare necessities (or the bear necessities if you're into the Jungle Book). I just wish some hot muscular men would come over and fan me while I'm working--or better yet, install and air conditioner and pay my electric bill. Such are dreams.

Update on my: Girl With a Lot of Reading to Do issue.

2011-07-19T15:16:00.004-06:00

That Girl With the Dragon Tattoo book must have crack in it. When I'm reading it I can't put it down. When I finally manage to stop to like go to the bathroom or eat something or check my email all I can do it think about finishing it.

Ryan told me it was impossible.

It's not even close to the end of the third day and I'm already at page 447 of the first book. What! Yeah. Right. Uhhuh. I'm doing it. Faster than scheduled. Move maybe tomorrow already. Excited!

P.S. Can I just take a moment to ask--who the F would get a dragon tattoo? No offense if you're my friend and have a dragon tattoo that I am unaware of, but umm, it's a dragon. It's just as bad if not worse than like a Looney Tunes character or something.

Music Monday: I don't Understand (H) Job.

2011-07-18T08:10:00.000-06:00

Why not a little humor for our Music Monday?

Enjoy.

The Girl Who Read The Girl... Series.

2011-07-17T10:47:00.012-06:00

I've decided to tackle a mini-goal this summer.

Three Books:

And their Three Movies:

In Three Weeks.

Since millions of people have read these books, including my grandmother and mother who are just happening to let me borrow them, I thought, might as well. I didn't get into the Twilight rage so maybe I can make up for it it with this series. Plus it's summer and it's hard to read anything theoretical when it's so sunny out.

If you want to join me in this crusade feel free. I'm starting today.

Boulder, Take it Off (And Leave of Off?)

2011-07-15T09:49:00.008-06:00

When I look out my window and see all the hot sweaty people run by--I agree with GQ-- Boulder people would look better naked.

Boulder barely made the list as part of the worst dress cities--I'm guessing because Boulder isn't much of a city--no offense, but coming from Chicago where it took me an hour to get from the south to the north side and here where it takes me ten minutes; I'd say not quite a city. Plus the fact that I recognize someone every single time I go out anywhere, the store, the coffee shop, the sidewalk, not to the mention the bartenders know my name (which may say something more about me) And I've only been here a year.

But yeah, I agree with GQ. This city has not fashion sense. It's fashion practicality--cargo pants, spandex, those sun hats with the middle part missing (what's up with those old ladies?) or hipsters trying to be too ironic in their 1993 Blossom attire.

Those people may look better naked.

However, the other day I was staring out the window because I kept hearing this black guy screaming down the sidewalk--turns out it wasn't a black guy--it was a juggalo, and not just one juggalo but four juggalos. Three men and one woman. All with limp mohawks, the rest of their heads shaved to the skin, and baggie, very baggie clothes. Juggalos are white people who worship the band Insane Clown Posse; they have created their own style, their own language, and their own rules. They're basically like a white-trash gang. They need each other so collectively there is at least one barely working brain.

I have to admit juggalos may be the scariest creatures on the planet. And the fact that the exist in Boulder somehow just reinforces the GQ Top 40 list.

Not to mention the hippies, the yuppies, and the old men who wear socks up to their ankles.

And finally, if that wasn't enough-- right in the heart of downtown Boulder their is a Crocs store. That's right. The company who put millions of Americans in rubber clogs.

(You'd think that would be enough to make us #1)

5 Things I Learned on Vacation.

2011-07-14T08:42:00.004-06:00

(me getting closer to the top of the sand dunes)

I've been on vacation and though I've been back for several days I've found it hard to jump back on the blog wagon. Here are 5 things I learned during my trip to southern Colorado.

1) Ruby Red Squirt still exists, yay!

2) The Sand Dunes National Park is bigger than it appears and really hard to climb up after several days prior of hiking.

3) People will go anywhere and do almost anything for a glimpse at something beautiful; for example they're willing to walk a half a mile up a mountain, than through a freezing cold run off full of slippery rocks just to look at a waterfall--and many are willing to climb up the waterfall just to take a picture with it. (Prior experience of falling down a waterfall prevented me from doing that step.)

4) Hiking all the time made me realize how little I actually do here in Boulder, so now I plan to go more--like twice a week--I'm going to get super buff and like fit in here and shit.

5) Vacations really throw everything off, it makes me want a vacation after my vacation.

Babysitter's Club Update #2: Claudia.

2011-07-05T06:58:00.000-06:00

Claudia Kishi, Vice President of the Babysitter's Club

Background: Artsy, poor at school-work, loves fashion.

Update:

After barely graduating from high school Claudia hitch-hiked down to burning man with a group of stoner friends. There she tripped acid for 4 days straight which led her to understand her true calling; basket weaving. She ended up investing most of her savings in this new found undertaking plus a van to work out of. After 3 months of weaving and an entire van full of baskets Claudia gave up on that future. Now she draws caricatures of people on the beach in tiny tourist town in South Carolina. She lives in her van with her hippie boyfriend Stardust.

Music Monday: Not Every Girl is an American Girl

2011-07-04T10:42:00.003-06:00

Well. It's the United State's Birthday today. And maybe I'm an American Girl, maybe Hilary Clinton is an American Girl, but guess who is not--Michele Bachmann.

Tom Petty recently sent her a cease and desist letter after she used his song during her campaign announcement.

All I can say, is thank you Tom Petty.

Fun Fri(Food)Day: Who Says Vegan Food Has to Be Healthy?

2011-07-01T07:27:00.000-06:00

There's fruit in this....

Ryan and I went for a walk and discovered a cherry tree in full bloom. We decided to not allow the tart fruit to go to waste--well a handful of the fruit. We picked the cherries and then I made this delicious vegan pie from the website College Candy.

The crust could use some work, but over time I'll figure out how to do it right.

Even though it's not the prettiest pie it tastes darn pretty to me.

If Only the Words "No Baby" Worked as Birth Control.

2011-06-30T06:02:00.000-06:00

Yesterday I had my yearly lady-parts examination (or I should say every two years now, but that's a different rant) and it went like it always goes, awkwardly.

It's just the nature of the experience--and, well, I hope, all sexually active women are experiencing it.

But I'd like to note something my doctor said that rather irked me.

Warning, it's going to get a bit personal.

I was complaining because I am on a progesterin-only pill and since starting the pills I haven't had my period. It weirds me out to not have a period.

She replied, "Since the invention of the pill 50 years ago women have become accustomed to having their periods every month; before that women were having babies and breast feeding, and didn't have a regular period."

Okay Doc. Point heard. But I don't get the logic?

1) It's not 1954

2) The point of the pill is to NOT have babies

3) If I wasn't on the pill and I wasn't having babies then I'd be having a regular monthly period because that's the way the freaking female body works.

Don't try to reassure me with information that isn't even relevant.

And I know the pill isn't all that wonderful for women, with the whole blood clot, weight gain, lack of sex drive, higher risks for cancer stuff, but I have to live with all those risks because having a baby would be so much worse.

Most women would probably love to not have their period, but when it's not around for months at a time it seems a bit suspicious and it seems entirely unhealthy--no matter if the doctor tells me it's "harmless."

All I want is to not have a baby. Why does it have to turn into a big health concern? And why do these doctors feel the need to pretend that it's not? Or to disregard issues that may be important to their patient's health--whether it's physical or mental?

I would have preferred her to just say, "Yes, this pill causes some women to not have their periods, but isn't that better than having a baby?"

And I would have very much agreed.

Because My Body's Not a Graveyard.

2011-06-29T10:35:00.003-06:00

I've been having a hard time lately. It's like that saying--once you know you can never go back. Well, I feel that way not just about feminism, or racism, or capitalism but also about animals. Once I learned how they are treated by us, humans, I just can't go back to a lifestyle that supports it.

And it's hard.

It's not hard to eat a vegan diet or refuse leather goods or to not go to circuses. But it is hard being with friends and wanting them to understand but not wanting to be pushy or radical or scary to them.

I don't find it radical to want all creatures to be treated with respect. I know all of my friends feel the same way--if they didn't then I wouldn't be there friends; still, how do some people choose to live consciously on a daily basis while others just acknowledge it theoretically?

We've all been exposed, in some capacity, to videos where the chickens are being de-beaked, where the foxes are skinned alive, where pigs are eating the tumors off of each other, where dogs and cats are being throw in mass graves after being shoved into gas chambers to die a slow death.

Anyone who watches it will admit it's heart-breaking, but so many people now refuse to watch. They blame it on sensationalism or over-dramatization--even though they fully know that these things really do occur, everyday. They know they occur and that's why they won't watch.

Knowing is hard, because once you know if you don't change, then you're an asshole. Then every time you eat meat or dairy or whatever, images of raped cows and bleeding slit-throat-pigs pop into mind. And no one wants to feel guilty for eating food.

But pretending it doesn't exist doesn't make it go away. Pretending the meat was grown in a vat and not connected to living creatures does not make their deaths invisible. Or that animals don't feel "enough" pain as a justification for our normalization of their abuse.

So yeah, knowing is hard, but we have to know, we have to learn, if we want our world and all the beautiful, feeling, creatures in it to have better lives (and that includes our own).

To watch and learn check out some of this site and this video.

Music Monday: Young Galaxy

2011-06-27T07:22:00.000-06:00

This song is gorgeous; I could potentially listen to it over and over again. Though I won't because, yeah, I'd like it to stay gorgeous and not get on my nerves (like your face). Just kidding about the face thing.

Oh and the video's pretty sexual too. So. Enjoy that.

Babysitter's Club Update #1: Kristy.

2011-06-25T07:48:00.000-06:00

Kristy Thomas, President of the Babysitter's Club.

Background: Tomboy, loves, baseball, and is bossy.

Update:

Well, here's the low down. Kristy decides she really does love Bart and they end up getting married right out of college. They move back to Stonybrook and have two kids.

But then one day, when Kristy is dropping her kids off at school she notices Jackie, a very attractive 3rd grade teacher. Kristy realizes she cannot continue living a lie. She divorces Bart and "becomes" a lesbian. She even starts her own blog, LesbianMoms4Change. She moves to New York and screws every woman she meets, but theirs one catch; they have to remind her in some way of her pals from the baby-sitters club. She's especially attracted to woman who look or act like Stacey.

During a vacation she actually runs into Stacey on a lesbian cruise--but discovers to her dismay that Stacey isn't a lesbian at all but just part of the entertainment crew.

She leaves vacation disappointed but also happy she ran into an old friend.

Currently Kristy has her kids on the weekend so they can stay in school at Stonybrook, in their peaceful upperclass neighborhood. She works as a physical therapist during the day and watches terrible romantic LGTB films at night while drinking coors-light and crying about no one truly understanding her.

The former club members are considering a intervention, not because they think she has a drinking problem, but because they think she's too sad (though most of them aren't doing so hot themselves--more updates to come).

Fun Fri(Food)Day: Cookies You Can't Eat.

2011-06-24T07:39:00.001-06:00

Isn't it frustrating going to blogs where other people are blabbing on about the food they just cooked, with tempting pictures, etc., knowing that there is no way you'll ever get a taste?

Well.

Sorry.

I just made these (vegan) oatmeal cookies and I'm pretty sure I'm going to eat all of them; or at least, you reader, will not get one. I'm not even going to be nice enough to share the recipe. Because I'd have to type it all up and well, I'm too lazy for that.

So the title is slightly misleading--or it could be read multiple ways--like they're inedible or something, but they're not, they're very edible, all I was saying was that you can't have any.

Umm.

Yeah.

Thanks for reading.

Go to College, Get Married, Have a Baby, Check.

2011-06-23T09:42:00.004-06:00

The other night I watched this really awful television show (which will remain nameless so no one out there tries to do the same to prove me wrong) but during one episode the high-strung-cheerleader-blonde-popular woman, now 6 years out of high school and married had a breakdown. During the breakdown she mentioned that her husband fit her list and that's why she married him. She remarked, "I was so busy worrying that he didn't love me I never stopped to ask myself if I loved him."

And though the show was rather terrible, I feel that point highlights many people's lives.

Why do we do the things we do?

Why do we get married?

Have children?

Go to college?

Etc.

Just because it's on our list? How did it make it to the list to begin with?

Many people seem to be on auto-pilot, routinely going through each day, being "successful" how they imagine everyone else wants them to be.

But can auto-pilot ever be considered living?

My new job is working in social media/writing blogs for a non-profit that helps women touched with cancer become mothers. This organization obviously has a heart and exists to truly try to help people. But what I've noticed while tweeting daily, is that there are so many people out there desperate to have children. I mean, they will go to whatever lengths possible. And I wonder if they're doing it because it's on their list?

Have they stopped to question why they want a child to begin with or are they just doing it because they think it will "complete" their lives as proper human beings?

Ryan has some theories as to why people have children and they are not very nice theories, so I won't go there. But I will state that Al Gore isn't that far off, not everyone needs to reproduce.

And it's okay if you don't want to.

It's also okay if you do, but one should ask, "Is this whatI really want? "Will it truly fulfill me as a human or am I doing it to check it off my list?"

No one should enter this world just because someone wrote down "have a baby" in a planner.

I Got Out of Bed in the Morning! In the Morning!

2011-06-22T08:53:00.002-06:00

This is day two of waking up with most of the morning still available. It's sort of weird.

Now that I have a job, even though I'm working from home, I feel the need for more responsibility in my life. And by that I mean waking up and working when most other people are working.

Plus I do really enjoy the morning, the quiet, the soft sunlight; I just don't enjoy the literal part of getting out of bed. It's one of the most painful things to do.

Developing a schedule is actually more important to me than I thought. And I bought a planner yesterday, which actually excites me. I love to organize! For a few months I even considered becoming a professional organizing, though I don't really know how one goes about getting that kind of job.

It's satisfying to see something in disarray become something clean and neat.

Anyhoo, I haven't had any coffee yet. I think that comes across in the boring-ess of this blog. Maybe I'll write something better later (I hope so).

9 Random Thoughts: Hair, Plagues, and Just Pure Evil.

2011-06-21T08:50:00.004-06:00

1) Every time I get my haircut now I get paranoid. Not that the stylist will fuck it up or that hair will get stuck in my bra for days but I get paranoid that other people will read into my haircut too much. Like I can't just get a hair cut to get a haircut; now it has to mean something. Guess what my new haircut means, it means I no longer have long hair.

2) I plan to write a longer blog about this for elephant journal but I just want to state briefly that Walmart is the quintessential example of evil and the supreme court has been demonized by its corporate powers.

3) The people who own are apartment complex are coming over to "inspect." Is this a Boulder thing? I just hope it's not infested with the PLAGUE.

4) Yes. There is a plague in our neighborhood, well, all the fleas have it and they're giving it to the prairie dogs and dogs and squirrels and shit. I'm sure the city is spraying for it, which will in turn kill more animals, but only later, after a year of ingesting it, then developing some strange cancer.

5) When I was younger I had really bad acne; I am afraid it's trying to do a sneak attack back onto my face. I will not have it. Zits--go find some sad 14 year-old to bother and leave me alone. I have had enough of you... (literally and emotionally and spiritually and all that).

6) Today is the longest day of the year. I wonder how much I can pack into it? I hope vodka and tonic and limes are involved.

7) Does everybody in the U.S. have this mug?

8) I'm happy to have the word "critic" in my job description, though I wish it were "life critic" instead of just "art critic" but I'll take what I can get.

9) It's going to be strange finding long strands of my hair now. Like lost relics.

Or just pieces of dead hair.